SELFISH & PATHETIC

I don’t know what’s wrong with me. Lately I’ve been backtracking my thinking process, and I don’t like it. I was doing so well keeping my heart in the freezer. I didn’t… feel. I didn’t… think. It was nice to not have any pain whatsoever for a change. It was nice to repel all the “what if” scenarios that clouded my mind for so long. It was nice to have a clear mind and guarded heart. I didn’t have to worry about hurting myself or giving myself a mindfuck. I built up my new found strength and felt so damn proud of myself. I don’t know what the hell happened. I must have taken a wrong turn somewhere because my pace has been staggering. I guess I shouldn’t have listened to old songs -regardless of how much I missed them- and I shouldn’t have taken more than a “peek.” I’ve been running into too many damn “reminders” and “coincidences,” not to mention the occasional WTF dreams. During  some of my insomnia-filled late nights, I found myself digging too deep into thoughts, whether they were fond memories, or ones I’d rather not remember… or things that were said; words exchanged. Some things are impossible to believe anymore. Some things seem unreal, some things seem like a lie… all those things were easy to let go as unanswered because there didn’t seem like any use in finding them out anymore. That’s why I’ve been keeping my heart in the freezer for almost 3 or 4 months.

I was re-reading some of the stuff I wrote last week:

“…that’s one of the things I was scared of the most -aside from feeling alone- it was the pain.”  “I invested too much time and feelings to be “just friends.” You’ve had too much of an effect on me for me to want to be with you so badly like I once wanted. I can’t just allow you to rely on me to be a friend unless there’s something more -as selfish as it may sound. I’ve been a giver all my life – it’s my turn to be a taker.”

I thought about how much it would hurt to… see or know that his attention has moved on to someone funnier, smarter, prettier… someone all around better than me. As selfish as that sounds, that’s the last thing I’d want to see because it would probably upset and bother me more than anyone can imagine. Like I said: selfish.

I was daydreaming today, because I had nothing better to do, and I found myself thinking. Yet again. I was thinking about all the plans that were once made – all the things we once said we’d do together. That actually seemed to crack the ice, for the first time in a long time… for the first time in a long time, I wished things were better off, and I wanted more than anything to cross some of those plans off the old to-do lists. I realized the chances of that happening are pretty damn slim, and I felt a wave of  disappointment wash over me. I even dared to think about the “future” we once playfully talked about having together and I told myself: pathetic. I forced myself to fall asleep before I could get the ice to crack beneath my feet any more farther along than it already had.

It’s times like these when I remind myself that all this is not worth sitting, waiting, wishing for someone to fall in love with me.

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I’m looking to see if I can
And you’re looking for me to begin this
Just try to pretend if you can
While you’re waiting for me to unwind… again…

But I can’t find a way
No, I can’t find a way
To just try and
Just try and explain myself

Because we stay the same,
We stay the same
Now I’m looking to see
If you’re sad or just lonely
So next time things will be different…

I’m waiting to find out when
And this wave is starting to get in my head
Just try to pretend if you can
Because if we fall, we’ll fall hard again

But I can’t find a way
No, I can’t find a way
To just try and
Just try and explain myself

Because we stay the same, we stay the same

Now I’m looking to see if you’re just sad or lonely
So next time I things will be different…

Just calm down, I’m always around
And I can’t seem to shake this out

And I’m still looking to see
If you’re just sad or lonely
So next time I things will be different…

ON MY MIND

There’s been a bunch of stuff on my mind lately.

I can’t wait until I go back to work, which (hopefully) is soon. Unemployed life is boring and it sucks to be broke. I need to save my money up… for a lot of practical and impractical things. I need to get a steady income rolling.

I feel like shit because I haven’t been to the gym in like… six months. I hate being lazy, for the most part. I love to work out, I just hate being surrounded by disgusting jocks in the weight room at school. I keep telling myself I’m going to get back into the habit; my gut has become slightly larger since the holidays and I can’t stand it. Definitely need to start eating healthy again and get back into old work out habits & commitment.

School is pretty breezy nowadays. I love AP Lit. I love having only 3 classes again. Unscheduled 4th period is a God-send. I even managed to swing a 4.33 GPA. I haven’t done that since freshman year. High school is almost over, I can’t believe it.

I got accepted into SFSU, woot woot-! My mom still wants me to go to community college for two years to get my general studies out of the way. It makes sense, but goddamn. I want to get out of this town. Well, I do and I don’t. I just really need a good dose of adventure & new things. I love meeting new people, and I’m very greatful to have had the opportunity to meet a handful of new people this past couple months. I need more of that. More adventures & more new people.

My writing has been slowly progressing, and that’s better than nothing in my book. I’m making an honest attempt to resurrect The Hot Dog/Cab Incident short story, but I really don’t know where to go from where I left off. I figure once I do something good with that story, then I can advance to Cheese, Chocolate & Grapes.

I’ve been feeling more disconnected from church lately. There really isn’t anything I can do about it. I don’t like the priests, I don’t pay attention during the readings- let alone the sermons, and I still don’t like the music. There isn’t much point in talking to my mom about it, because she’s really stubborn on the subject. I wish there was something I could to to renew my faith in my religion, but I’ve been drawing up blanks when it comes to that.

I’ve been feeling really restless due to lack of a driver’s license. I think if I had my license, I wouldn’t be so damn lazy all the time, and I hate wasting days away doing nothing but nap in bed. I plan on taking my permit test again sometime soon (for the 3rd time). I know. I suck. I’m a horrible test taker, I’m not even kidding. I absolutely HATE taking tests, no matter what. I get nervous, no matter what. It’s ridiculous. I need to get my license soon. I’m most likely going to be stuck driving the ugly janky Mexican van until I get a real car. My brother-in-law says I can have his old Nissan. The only problem is that it’s a stick shift, and I have never even touched a stick shift car. If I go up to San Francisco to visit my sister and stuff during spring break, I plan on driving the car back home with me. Summer is going to be here before I know it and I can’t not be without a car.

My love life… hah. Well, it doesn’t exist. The existance of my non-existant love life is pretty much the story of my life… that makes sense, right? It sucks, as always. I guess it’s better to be in no relationship rather than an unsteady one, right? I could ramble on and on about this, but I shouldn’t. And I won’t. It looks like a friendship got ruined because of a so-called “relationship,” and you have no idea how much that has really bummed me out. It would be pointless for me to ramble on and on about that as well, because no one reads this blog anyways, and… rambling wouldn’t change anything. As much as I wish it would.

CUT! PRINT IT

So I flew across the country just to find your broken word
Like the dry wall in the bathroom of the hotel room she left me in alone
Excuse me while I let your secrets out
Does it comfort you to think about how wonderful this was up until now?

‘Cause this is closure once and for all
Oh, this has to stop right now
‘Cause I’ve been running for my life
And you could never catch me now

So I guess I’ll just get going, I’ve got better topics now
And I’m off to find some blank pages to write all of them down
Because these ones have been dirtied with the mentioning of you
And you know I wouldn’t say I hate you if it wasn’t true
Because you’re the talk of the town
And everybody’s found it out

‘Cause this is closure once and for all
Oh, this has to stop right now
‘Cause I’ve been running for my life
And you could never catch me now

So I guess I’ll cut my losses ’cause I lost a lot
I guess I’ll quit complaining and I’ll starting walking it off
Because there is no point in living in a past with that unhappiness
Consider it a promise we both broke
Consider it mistakes on both our parts

‘Cause this is closure once and for all
Oh, this has to stop right now
‘Cause I’ve been running for my life
And you could never catch me now
Yeah, this closure once and for all
Yeah, this closure once and for all
And you could never catch me now

Awkward vibes? No fucking thank you. I refuse to play any stupid games (subconsciously or otherwise), because I’m just not like that. Mindfucks ain’t gonna work because I’ve been tested already through all the heartfucks. I won’t be broken down anymore, because I’m strong now. I’ve got my eyes set on the horizon and I’m ready for something new; something better. Time to throw all those reminders of constant inconsistency out the motherfucking window. I’m done with that. I’m not going to feel guilty about never having what it took to be “enough.” I AM ENOUGH. My friends were right, and I guess that’s not a bad thing after all. I’m not phased anymore. The most I’ll do is roll my eyes at the thought of things that have been said (whether they were important or not; whether they meant anything or not) and things that have been done. Feelings of being taken for granted are being thrown right out the window too. It’s sad to think, but “…after going through so many rough patches and being disconnected from each other for so long, it’s been easier and easier for me to forget how wonderful you  are. I guess it’s easier that way. I can’t hide that I’ve relied on you, because I have. You have no idea how much I’ve relied on you.” I wrote that in class yesterday, in addition to the rest of the page I used up in writing it. After taking a few more good listens, Cut! Print It takes the words right out of my mouth (more or less). I’m not hating, at all. Thank you, TSL.

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Edit:// And I know there wasn’t ever a time when you promised that you wouldn’t hurt me, but that doesn’t mean you had to go ahead and do it anyways… numerous times. When did I ever hurt you- ? All the hurtful things you’ve ever done to me is like a slap in the face. I never deserved any of that.

MOOD: FABULOUS

Today was slightly more eventful than yesterday, hence the blog I’m beginning to write…
I got to 1st period a few seconds late, like always. The Jurassic Park substitute was there, and we just watched Super Size Me all period long. Is it bad that no matter how many times I’ve seen that documentary, there is initially never any circumstance in which I’m ever seriously disgusted by McDonald’s food? If anything, watching that documentary almost always makes me hungry… especially since it was the morning, and I didn’t eat breakfast.

In AP Lit, Mrs. Steinberg surprised me by reading my essay aloud to the class… I got a 40/40 (that’s a 7 on the rubric sheet)… I actually got an A. I got an A on an essay that took me 3 hours to write the day before it was due. Such procrastination hasn’t paid off in so long, and that made me feel really happy & confident about my writing. The thesaurus is a God-send, I’m telling you! I could have sworn she was going to use mine as a poor example of what we were NOT supposed to do or something… I wasn’t paying attention at all when she was discussing our grades… I was busy drawing an octopus in my notebook and adding to the list of things I consider to be “annoying as FCUK” (which I started writing in 1st period.) I really do love AP Lit, though. Mrs. Steinberg is hilarious! (Intentionally and unintentionally, mind you.) She says the best that’s what she said lines. Example: during a class discussion of The Stranger. LOL.

Yeah, I’ve been drawing a lot lately… mostly due to boredom in classes. The other day I was zoning out on a lecture about existentialism because I was (attempting) to draw Audrey Hepburn based on the small thumbnail picture reference I had of her on my cell phone. (Oh, and The Rocket Summer lyrics to All I Have was stuck in my head.) I like that I’m putting the boredom I feel in class to good use. I’ve also been writing a bit here and there. I miss that. I don’t know whether to pick up on The Hot Dog-Cab Incident story (I really need to think up a catchier name for that…) or my work-in-progress novel, Cheese Chocolate & Grapes. I owe Tumblr a lot of credit to all the inspiration I’ve had lately. My mind is reeling.

Oh yeah, something random and completely off topic: I’ve been wanting to watch Fight Club, Knocked Up, and Rushmore for the longest time. When I go back to work (hopefully sooner than later) I plan on buying all three of those movies at the same time… if I can find them all in one place… maybe on Amazon…

THE RESOLUTION

Happy New Year! Hello 2009.

I liked ringing in the new year with James phone talk. It was nice, to say the least. LOL @ kisses.

I suppose it’s time for a list of some sort of resolutions. I don’t really have that many in mind, but I’ll do my best for the sake of the new year…
+ get driver’s license
+ get a job
+ don’t slack off (as much) in school
+ write more [particularly progress in Cheese, Chocolate, & Grapes]
+ work out/eat healthier
+ save money !!!
+ have someone to be with/kiss when the ball drops for 2010

Those are all realistic resolutions, right? Well, okay… that last one might be wishful thinking, but it’d be nice!

#1

You, you are wonderful. After all these years you still make me smile. And damn, you’re still charming as ever. I can’t believe it’s already been 5 years. Every time I talk to you, or even look at you, I remember every feeling I ever had for you, and I realize why I felt the way I did about you. There’s still that sparkle in your eye, but unfortunately, I still see the pain. I’m sorry for that. I wish I knew what was hurting you so badly all these years, or even the recent happenings. I have and most likely always will have the determination to pull the thorn from your heart, so you can progressively heal. You deserve so much better than I ever was, and even more than she ever was. I hope you find what you’re looking for. More importantly, whom you’re looking for. You changed something in me so long ago. I owe you everything; the heart-wrenching realities I had to face -because they made me so much stronger-, the ability to notice sparkles, and above all… the inspiration. Where the hell would I be if I had not met you and had never felt such things for you? You’re amazing. Now, when I look at you, I know I’ve overcome so much, because there are no more backflips my tiresome heart would perform every time I’d think of you; every time I’d see you; hell, every time I’d hear your name. All that’s gone, but the memory of my feelings remain, and that’s what matters. I remember everything, and I will never forget. You’re unforgettable, and you taught me so much… even though you’ll probably never realize it. You’re a great friend, and I love you for that. My writing would not be the same without you. You were my first muse. You’ll always be my #1, no matter what. I’m tripping over my words and talking in circles, but… everything makes sense to me. I just wanted to take this time to look back and be thankful for… well, you. We’ll go our separate ways, but you’ve left with me something I will never part with, and that’s inspiration. Here’s to these past 5 years. Hard to believe it’s been that long, but in the end, it really was worth it all. I am the way I am today partially because of you. How can I ever regret anything that changed me so positively? Thank you, “Wally.”

As Aslyn so eloquently sang: I never stopped falling in love with you.

In a sense, I never did, but in other ways, I did — so to speak. It’s complicated to explain, and the only person it will ever make sense to will be me.

11:11

So, today I applied for college. SDSU is going to be my default, UCLA will always be my dream, and SFSU turned out to be my “surprise.” Online applications are confusing to fill out, and I accidentally clicked on SFSU instead of SDSU on one of the first pages. I didn’t notice until I got to the second page or so (the majors course selections) when I realized I was NOT applying to SDSU. I was about to click the back button, when I noticed my beloved major of choice on the application list: creative writing. I continued to fill out the SFSU application without anymore hesitation after I saw that. UC Riverside also has creative writing as a major, or so Manny told me… but with non-UC schools I don’t have to submit and personal statements… which is a serious load off my mind. Finding a college that actually has creative writing as a straight-out major is like a miracle to me, because whenever I’m asked about my major, I always say creative writing (or film theory– UCLA is the only school I’m aware of that has that as a major), and people always reply with something like: “Oh, you might just have to settle for an English major” I’m cool with that, but hell! I actually found an English major that revolves around creative writing. I’m so glad my mom insisted that I apply to at least two colleges… I don’t think I would have found this if she hadn’t.

The application process took about 2 or 3 hours, since I was working on the SFSU one first, and then it took my dad a while to calculate our annual income but… I’m done. SDSU and SFSU. Let’s hope I get accepted in at least ONE of those colleges!

Since I completed the applications, I feel more relaxed and less stressed, which is really good, because I was starting to feel the build up.

LOPEZ x4

Friday, November 7- I got an extra hour to myself in the morning, since I was technically excused from first period, because the bus wasn’t scheduled to pick us up until the beginning of nutrition break. Went to Fashion Valley for P.R. and photo class. Walking all around the mall left my feet screamingly sore, with a few blisters here and there. OUCH. We met up with the P.R. lady for about 15 minutes before we got the next few hours to ourselves. Ate at Panda Express with Fernando, Ximena, Vico, and Katrina. I bought the cutest Catwoman shirt at H & M… the remaining balance on my ATM is about $19. YIKES.

I kind of, sort of ditched fourth period when we got back to school, which is something I never do, so give me a break! Stopped by at a couple Game Stop stores to see if they even touched my applications. Apparently, they’re not busy enough to be hiring. Greeeeeeeeat. I’m going to be unemployed for the fuckin’ holidays. I can only dream that I’ll get a call in the next week or so saying that one of those locations want me. I NEED A JOB.

A little while later, I went to Victoria’s house, where I gave her some tips on Mafia Wars and we discussed our increasing obsession with Twilight *WINK WINK* We also both decided to try out for the school musical… High School Musical, to be exact. I don’t really have a huge desire to actually be in it… because it’s just High School Musical, but… it would be cool if I actually got a part in it or something, then I’d have to be in it, but I’m not going to get all butt-hurt if I don’t make it. My singing voice isn’t exactly wonderful. (I’m still deciding on whether or not to sing “The Mixed Tape” by Jack’s Mannequin or “That Thing You Do!” by The Wonders… I have until Wednesday/Thursday to make my decision!) A little later into the night, we watched Diary of the Dead, because we couldn’t get around to it on Halloween. It left me paranoid, like all zombie movies, and I was glad my mom insisted on driving half a quarter mile down the road to pick me up, because walking home would have been a nightmare, lol.

Saturday, November 8- I had to wake up around 6, 7AMish for this lame college prep workshop/Filipino pride event down at Sweetwater High School. I walked into their gym, and the first thing I saw emblazoned on the wall was a huge mural of Satan. WTFFFFFFFFFFFFFF. I had no idea their mascot was the Red Devils! Opening speeches/remarks were about 2 hours, and I noticed they did not stick to the time schedule and the first workshop rotation had to be cancelled. The second one I had to go to was about applying for financial aid, which was nothing I hadn’t heard before. The third rotation was some workshop regarding stereotypes and the importance of accepting all races, genders, etc. Tyler and Sam were there for that one, so it wasn’t as painful as it could have been. During an activity, I was randomly labeled as a “poor person,” LOL. Tyler was a “promiscuous male” and Sam was an “ASB member.” After all the workshops were done, I stayed a little longer for free food (abobo, pansit, and rice–nothing special) and I got two free shirts. I wasted a good 5 hours of my life at that damn pointless workshop.

A little later, I called Victoria to come over and help me kill time. After swooning over the newest issue of Entertainment Weekly (which had Edward and Bella on the cover… OH BABY) and kicking ass in more Mafia Wars, AND looking at the over-priced Twilight shirts and hoodies on the Hot Topic website (and then hatching the plan of making our own Twilight shirts), we went to Old Navy with her mom and sister. After getting back to her casa from Old Navy, we got picked up by Manny and chilled at his house for a while with Jo, and his college buddies- Janis and Angel. Michelle Bush stopped by with brownies.. YUM. Victoria and I obsessed over Twilight even more with Janis and Angel, which was really cool… and kind of nerdy, but oh well!

Sunday, November 9- Went to church, as usual. I felt really bad, because the sermon ended before I even started listening… I just zoned out for some weird reason. Kim came over after church, and then Victoria. We  went to go pick up Tina, and watched Diary of the Dead at mi casa. Halfway through the movie, my mom took us to Michael’s, so Victoria and I could get fabric paint for our Twilight shirts. We also got really cute iron-ons for the back design of the shirt. We had to swing by Old Navy so I could get my matching black wife beater. OH YEAH! The weather that day was really nice: cold, windy and rainy. I love fall/winter weather, and I can’t wait for it to get even colder and grayer. Back at my house we ate sweet and sour pork, then finished Diary. After that, we ended up watching Planet Terror. BRUCE WILLIS IS A BABE ;D

Monday, November 10- Spent most of the morning in Eastlake with my mom, because she wanted to check out this new Goodwill book store around there. It was a small store, but really well organized. I bought the entire Chronicles of Narnia collection for $5! I was hoping I’d see Eclipse somewhere amongst the old, used books… but that was wishful thinking. We hung out at the cutest Borders book store I’ve ever seen. And I had no idea there was even one in Eastlake-! I was looking through Eclipse, when this chick on crutches asked if I’ve read any of the Twilight books, and we ended up having a nice little chat about the series before she had to leave. I found one of my favorite genre sections (Reference books) and holed up there for the rest of the visit. I skimmed through a writing reference book about writing/publishing your first novel, which gave me more inspiration and motivation to get back into the habit of writing at least once a day, everyday again. I wish I could have bought it, but it was $16… and I had $0. On the way home, my mom and I picked up some food from Johnny Carino’s, which kept my mouth watering all the way home.

[Random quote from my mom while driving: "This driver in the red car must have itchy balls."]

I indulged in some delicious pasta and chicken when we got home, and shortly after, I was in a damn food coma. When I woke up, I had some phone talk, then went to Victoria’s casa to make our Twilight shirts. The first part of the shirts are a total SUCCESS. Picture this: black wifebeater, and silver text that says “Stupid lamb.” It might sound lame to you, but those shirts are our little masterpieces. You have NO IDEA what it took us to make those. We still have to put the iron-ons, but that’ll come later on this week, perhaps. We even decided to do our makeup and everything for the midnight show. OH YEAH. We’re going to the midnight show, since next Friday is a late start day at school. HOLLAAAAAAAAAAAA!

And if you haven’t noticed, I spent 4 out of my 5 day weekend with Victoria, hence the title of this blog, LOL.

WRITER’S… ROAD BLOCK –? !

Dear self,

hello, hope you’re doing well… with the exception of senioritis, unemployment, and being overcome by the deadly sin of sloth. I was just curious about something, and the best way for me to come about that is by asking… WHAT THE FUCK?! Why the hell haven’t you been writing lately? Remember One In Twenty and All You Wanted? Both of those scripts were completed years ago, and they still require your attention… given the changes you’ve been considering making for the sake of the characters and plots. And what the hell happened to that novel?! Cheese, Chocolate, and Grapes still has so much promise, don’t forget about it! You started that back in 8th grade, and now you’re in 12th. I think it’s safe to say you’ve made progress on it, however said progress is minimal. Get your lazy ass off Myspace and Mafia Wars and get back to writing! Whatever happened to that girl who carried around a notebook wherever she went? That girl who would write herself to sleep? That girl who would even write while soaking in the bathtub? WE WANT THAT GIRL BACK! Lord knows you’ve had enough inspiration to work with, so use it! Don’t waste such valuable writing resources. Don’t forget: everyday you don’t write something clever is one more day you’ve foolishly wasted; and one less word, sentence, paragraph, or page lost.

So what if Zack Braff stole your ending to Candy Hearts when Garden State was released? As brilliant as that ending was, work around it and come up with something better. And whatever happened to that “short ” story you started working on two years ago? Yeah, you know what I’m talking about: The Hot Dog/Cab Incident. That has a lot of promise too. ADD TO IT, DAMMIT. Don’t solely rely on blog sites in which to write all your material. Go back to old habits, and carry around a huge notebook and inky pens. Find yourself writing one-liners and short synopsises.

Look at yourself. You’ve gone so crazy, you’re writing a letter to yourself in hopes of striking that writing bug you’ve seem to lost over the years.

Good luck.

Love, Catherine