Everything that’s been going on lately has been so surreal. I didn’t want to believe any of it, because it’s just one of those things one can’t help but think “It can’t happen to me.” I haven’t really told everyone yet -anyone, really, for that matter- and I don’t plan on doing so until I feel like I can. But… being able to confide in you, that was different. Thank you. Thank you so much for taking the time out of your day -to drop everything you were (or weren’t) doing- just for me. I think that is by far the most meaningful thing you’ve ever done for me, hands down. Being in your embrace was by far the most astounding comfort I’ve felt in a long time. Those few hours really did make me feel so much better, I don’t think you have any idea. You couldn’t have walked back into my life at a better moment -if that is in fact what you did. I don’t know. I didn’t mean to compromise your thinking process or your feelings, but the thing is, I don’t want to assume anything. I’m so sorry I hurt your feelings, but I know better to assume things from you, it’s just not a safe bet anymore. I don’t assume now, because assumptions are what have broken me down in the past. I didn’t mean what I wrote. Of course I noticed what you were doing, but I didn’t know what to think of it. I wanted you to mean everything, but there wasn’t a real way for me to know for sure. You can understand that, right? The reason why I keep my guard so high up now, the reason why I’m skeptical about putting myself completely out there, and the reason I don’t get too excited when I hear you say or do sweet things. I won’t know where you stand unless you tell me. I’m not going to lose my mind wondering, because I’ll just end up being disappointed if things don’t turn out the way I want them to. The truth of the matter is, I still want the same things I always did. That hasn’t changed. Regardless of the Clementine Kruczynski state of mind I’ve kept myself in, that was only to keep away my old pain and fears, and I’d be lying if I said it didn’t work. I really do have new-found strength, and it’s up to me as to how I decide to use it. The guard I have up has been reinforced, and there’s a part of me that wants you to work your way through it and be able to come out alive. If you don’t want to do that, then I completely understand, I wouldn’t be surprised if you’re tired of the idea of me, it’s okay – no hard feelings. I hope you know, however, that I felt sprung on the new plans you and I made. Same as always, I want more than anything to go through with all our old and new plans – if you want to, too. I remember thinking back a couple weeks ago about how much I wanted to cross some things off the old to-do lists. I want to go to Disneyland with you, I want to watch all those movies with you, I want to meet your family, I want to sit with you and watch the sunrise/sunset, and I want to have all those other numerous adventures with you. Honestly, it almost seems like you’ve come back to me. Please, don’t go. Please stay. If there was ever a time when I needed you the most, it’s most definitely now. Another reason I felt so bad about hurting your feelings was that I was scared you’d pull a Joel Barish on me. The fear of losing one of the only outlets of bona fide comfort I have during these times caused my staggering stress and worries to nearly topple over. I don’t want to fuck up anything with you. I’ve missed you, one of my best friends, and everything I’ve been going through is reminding me just how much I don’t want to lose you again. The thought of you not being here makes me feel sad and uneasy. Whatever this is, I don’t want this to be another fluke. I don’t want another bittersweet taste. I’m not going to get bent out of shape hoping for too much and getting nothing- I don’t plan on old feelings getting the best of me, because I’ve grown out of that. Whatever happens, happens. I’ll go with the flow. No more set-ups for disappointment, because I know better now. I refuse to allow myself appear pathetic. I’m stronger now, and I have to focus on just being happy with myself and everything around me. There’s no sure-fire way you’ll ever end up reading this, and it’s kind of irrelevant, but if there’s anything I feel you should know, it’s that you pretty much never fail to inspire me, and if I can’t get what I hope for out of you, I always have that lovely constellation. I think over all this time, I’ve managed to refine my expectations, and learn how to ensure they don’t interfere with my better judgment. And I hope you’ll know that you’ve managed to make me feel so much happier than I thought I possibly could be lately. Please… stay.
#1
You, you are wonderful. After all these years you still make me smile. And damn, you’re still charming as ever. I can’t believe it’s already been 5 years. Every time I talk to you, or even look at you, I remember every feeling I ever had for you, and I realize why I felt the way I did about you. There’s still that sparkle in your eye, but unfortunately, I still see the pain. I’m sorry for that. I wish I knew what was hurting you so badly all these years, or even the recent happenings. I have and most likely always will have the determination to pull the thorn from your heart, so you can progressively heal. You deserve so much better than I ever was, and even more than she ever was. I hope you find what you’re looking for. More importantly, whom you’re looking for. You changed something in me so long ago. I owe you everything; the heart-wrenching realities I had to face -because they made me so much stronger-, the ability to notice sparkles, and above all… the inspiration. Where the hell would I be if I had not met you and had never felt such things for you? You’re amazing. Now, when I look at you, I know I’ve overcome so much, because there are no more backflips my tiresome heart would perform every time I’d think of you; every time I’d see you; hell, every time I’d hear your name. All that’s gone, but the memory of my feelings remain, and that’s what matters. I remember everything, and I will never forget. You’re unforgettable, and you taught me so much… even though you’ll probably never realize it. You’re a great friend, and I love you for that. My writing would not be the same without you. You were my first muse. You’ll always be my #1, no matter what. I’m tripping over my words and talking in circles, but… everything makes sense to me. I just wanted to take this time to look back and be thankful for… well, you. We’ll go our separate ways, but you’ve left with me something I will never part with, and that’s inspiration. Here’s to these past 5 years. Hard to believe it’s been that long, but in the end, it really was worth it all. I am the way I am today partially because of you. How can I ever regret anything that changed me so positively? Thank you, “Wally.”
As Aslyn so eloquently sang: I never stopped falling in love with you.
In a sense, I never did, but in other ways, I did — so to speak. It’s complicated to explain, and the only person it will ever make sense to will be me.
THANKS
Happy Thanksgiving, everyone.
Watching old home movies from when I was a baby really hit a nerve, and I was eventually in tears. Hard to believe I’m that same baby girl… well, not quite so hard to believe, since I stumbled around unsteadily on my two feet even way back when… I guess I’ve always been the same girl, hahah. I’ve really grown up and I can’t believe how much some things have changed. The house looked the same (in some parts) the people looked younger (& LOL@ early 90’s fashion). (And I noticed that I was a Disney freak from the womb. My high chair was Mickey & Minnie Mouse, and I ALWAYS wore a Minnie Mouse sweatshirt.) Kim said that watching those home movies would make me feel thankful, and she was right. I don’t know what else to say, other than thank you… to everyone. My life wouldn’t be the same without any of you, and I love you guys for that. I love my friends. I love my family. I love every curve ball life has ever thrown at me. I never thought I could get so choked up just from watching myself stumble around the same old house in diapers. God… this house. I’ve grown up in it. The tile is still the same, that’s what really gets me for some reason, I don’t know why. I’ve stumbled around on the same old tile for almost 18 years now, and I’m still not the least bit graceful, hahaha.
I don’t know what I’m really getting at anymore, but I suppose that doesn’t matter, because when I read this back a year from now, I’ll remember where my thoughts were when I wrote this, and that’s what matters. This is a rather unconventional “what I’m thankful for” blog, but oh well. I’m an unconventional girl, right?
ALONE WE STAND, TOGETHER WE FALL APART
“You see, you can never muster the strength, to fight for me.” –Bridget Jones
This didn’t turn out the way I planned. Not at all. But there’s nothing I can do about it, really. There’s no use in fighting for what just was never supposed to work out. I can’t regret anything, because I learned so much about myself these past 5 months, so why would I dream of regretting knowledge? I don’t want to play the victim, because I’m assuming I’m not the only one who is hurting. What’s done is done, and all I can do is grow from it. It’s unfair to me if I allow myself to become consumed with negativity and second-guesses of possible regret, because I’ve never needed such strength to stand on my own two feet before, the way I do now. I can’t afford to shoot down my original thoughts, I just can’t. It’s not like I’m invincible, a huge part of me is still hurting. It’ll take time for me to heal completely, but I can guarantee you that I definitely will, and I’ll come out of it stronger than ever. I’m already feeling and noticing changes in myself that would not have resulted if I had chosen to remain on stand-by. I’m not going to allow myself to be taken for granted, because that’s what I felt I was being treated. Honestly, for the first time in my life, I spoke my mind for real and I didn’t feel like a push-over… and that’s a big deal to me. I love you, but I’m letting go. That’s what was going through my mind. I’ll respect my past and embrace everything in store for me in the future. I’m not going to dwell and reminisce for too long, because ultimately, all that will do is make me feel like shit, and that is the last thing I want. I had my good cry, and with a heavy heart I’m learning to slowly let go. My heart is open, but not quite all the way… yet. If only it were that easy to have a miraculous recovery after a heartbreak, but that is just wishful thinking. My good friends (they know who they are) have really been there for me and the most sincere concern makes up for this heartfuck. Thank you, good friends. Thank you, my own heart, for reminding me that I have yet to find my lobster. It’s going to be difficult to get past, but everything will get better in time. Who knows where I’ll be another 5 months for now. I’m staying optimistic and I’m telling myself that in 5 months I’ll be happier and my fear… my damn fear of not being good enough and my fear of being dropped when at my highest will dissolve.
Hello, my name is Catherine, and I’m the strongest girl I know.
WHAT DO YOU TAKE ME FOR?
I’ve always said that I don’t want people to take me for granted, simply because it’s a horrible, painful feeling. Think about it: who wants to feel like they are being treated less than they’re really worth? And here’s another thought: who the hell has the right to let someone even think for even a split second feel that they’d mean anything less than they actually do to a person? (I have a tendency of compiling wordy sentences, I hope that made sense and I apologize for any confusion that may follow… or any that has already begun.)
I was just thinking about that; being taken for granted, I mean. I realized that I shouldn’t get so defensive because I may possibly be guilty of doing the same. Obviously I don’t mean to do such things intentionally, I’m not evil. I know things just happen, and it’s understandable for people to feel badly about it. I grew up being taught with the moral of being considerate to other people, no matter what. That may slip every now and then, but I’m usually pretty good about keeping up with it, whether it may be taking the time to do a favor for someone, working around your own schedule to benefit other peoples’, or to recognize that someone might be too busy to focus on you and allow them to continue with what they were doing, whether you like it or not.
I want to start being more vocal when it comes to letting people know that they are important to me and how glad I am to have them be a part of my life. The way I see it, everyone you meet impacts your life one way or another, if it’s greatly or a little less than that: what matters is that they did in fact change your life in some way, whether you realize it right away or after some time.
I want to tell all the people I’ve only known a couple months or weeks that I’m glad to have met them; I want to tell all my closest friends that their friendship means the world to me; I want to be able to tell my parents that I’m very grateful for everything they’ve ever done for me, and that I respect their best intentions even when I don’t agree all the time; I want to tell my brother and sister that I really enjoy spending time with them, especially since distance makes that rare; I want to tell my boyfriend that I want more than anything for us to work through this distance because I know he’s worth it; I want to develop sincere friendships with people who are merely acquaintances; (even though I don’t have a job anymore) I want to tell my co-workers that I really appreciate all the help they give me, especially when I make little mistakes at work; I want to tell my teachers (the ones I actually respect and learn from) that I appreciate the effort they put into everyday at school and that they really have contributed something to my academic life, which will ultimately lead to my future.
There’s so much more that I have left to say… to so many people, and I’m going to start doing that more often. Taking others for granted is just as bad as taking life itself for granted, and no one wants to do that, right? In so many words, and without any shame or fear, I’d like to say thank you to anyone and everyone, and I promise I’ll do my best to not take people in my life for granted, and make sure they won’t feel anything less than what they really mean to me <3 I appreciate the people I am lucky enough to know and/or love, and I don’t want ‘em to forget that.
