CUT! PRINT IT

So I flew across the country just to find your broken word
Like the dry wall in the bathroom of the hotel room she left me in alone
Excuse me while I let your secrets out
Does it comfort you to think about how wonderful this was up until now?

‘Cause this is closure once and for all
Oh, this has to stop right now
‘Cause I’ve been running for my life
And you could never catch me now

So I guess I’ll just get going, I’ve got better topics now
And I’m off to find some blank pages to write all of them down
Because these ones have been dirtied with the mentioning of you
And you know I wouldn’t say I hate you if it wasn’t true
Because you’re the talk of the town
And everybody’s found it out

‘Cause this is closure once and for all
Oh, this has to stop right now
‘Cause I’ve been running for my life
And you could never catch me now

So I guess I’ll cut my losses ’cause I lost a lot
I guess I’ll quit complaining and I’ll starting walking it off
Because there is no point in living in a past with that unhappiness
Consider it a promise we both broke
Consider it mistakes on both our parts

‘Cause this is closure once and for all
Oh, this has to stop right now
‘Cause I’ve been running for my life
And you could never catch me now
Yeah, this closure once and for all
Yeah, this closure once and for all
And you could never catch me now

Awkward vibes? No fucking thank you. I refuse to play any stupid games (subconsciously or otherwise), because I’m just not like that. Mindfucks ain’t gonna work because I’ve been tested already through all the heartfucks. I won’t be broken down anymore, because I’m strong now. I’ve got my eyes set on the horizon and I’m ready for something new; something better. Time to throw all those reminders of constant inconsistency out the motherfucking window. I’m done with that. I’m not going to feel guilty about never having what it took to be “enough.” I AM ENOUGH. My friends were right, and I guess that’s not a bad thing after all. I’m not phased anymore. The most I’ll do is roll my eyes at the thought of things that have been said (whether they were important or not; whether they meant anything or not) and things that have been done. Feelings of being taken for granted are being thrown right out the window too. It’s sad to think, but “…after going through so many rough patches and being disconnected from each other for so long, it’s been easier and easier for me to forget how wonderful you  are. I guess it’s easier that way. I can’t hide that I’ve relied on you, because I have. You have no idea how much I’ve relied on you.” I wrote that in class yesterday, in addition to the rest of the page I used up in writing it. After taking a few more good listens, Cut! Print It takes the words right out of my mouth (more or less). I’m not hating, at all. Thank you, TSL.

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Edit:// And I know there wasn’t ever a time when you promised that you wouldn’t hurt me, but that doesn’t mean you had to go ahead and do it anyways… numerous times. When did I ever hurt you- ? All the hurtful things you’ve ever done to me is like a slap in the face. I never deserved any of that.

PUSHOVER

I feel like a doormat. There doesn’t really seem to be any other way to elaborate, because it’s plain and simple. I tend to allow people to walk all over me. I’m too much of a damn coward to stand up for myself, and I know I need to. Don’t get me wrong, I speak my mind… sometimes. The thing of it is, I’m usually always really careful about not offending anyone or hurting someone’s feelings, and that’s why it’s sometimes difficult for me to be brutally honest. Sometimes I feel I’m too considerate. I was thinking about it… and I realized just now that if I can’t speak up for myself at all times, people may very well underestimate me, which has a big chance of leading to people taking me for granted, and there’s no way in hell I will allow that to happen, if I can help it. Words seriously cannot explain the excruciating pain I feel if I’m being taken for granted, or even if I think for one second that I may be taken for granted. I think it’s the one thing I hate the most in this world. Being taken for granted really makes me die inside.

“Never allow someone to be your priority, while allowing yourself to be their option.”

Those are words I plan to get inked into my skin, because no other quote can speak for itself quite the way this one does. I wish everyone was capable of understanding my way of thinking, and recognize when they should reflect on their own actions. I think I do that too much too: analyze myself. It’s a 50/50 thing to say that no good comes out of it, because sometimes there is good -I understand myself at least a little better; but other times, I’m left hating people’s failures to compromise and failures to open their eyes. I know everyone is different, and not everyone thinks the same. I GET THAT. It’s just my nature to automatically assume that people should see eye-to-eye on the same things that I do. I don’t think it’s that much of a challenge to take the time to really look at a person and wonder what’s on their mind, and what factors are contributing to their current state. (Reading over that last sentence, I’m starting to wonder if my sanity has run out for the time being.) It’s almost 1AM, and I’ve got a lot of other stuff on my mind, and it’s weighing me down. I think it would be best if I continue this after my mind has had some rest.

BOTTOM LINE: I don’t want to be a pushover anymore, but I don’t know where to start so that will… stop.

ALONE WE STAND, TOGETHER WE FALL APART

“You see, you can never muster the strength, to fight for me.” –Bridget Jones

This didn’t turn out the way I planned. Not at all. But there’s nothing I can do about it, really. There’s no use in fighting for what just was never supposed to work out. I can’t regret anything, because I learned so much about myself these past 5 months, so why would I dream of regretting knowledge? I don’t want to play the victim, because I’m assuming I’m not the only one who is hurting. What’s done is done, and all I can do is grow from it. It’s unfair to me if I allow myself to become consumed with negativity and second-guesses of possible regret, because I’ve never needed such strength to stand on my own two feet before, the way I do now. I can’t afford to shoot down my original thoughts, I just can’t. It’s not like I’m invincible, a huge part of me is still hurting. It’ll take time for me to heal completely, but I can guarantee you that I definitely will, and I’ll come out of it stronger than ever. I’m already feeling and noticing changes in myself that would not have resulted if I had chosen to remain on stand-by. I’m not going to allow myself to be taken for granted, because that’s what I felt I was being treated. Honestly, for the first time in my life, I spoke my mind for real and I didn’t feel like a push-over… and that’s a big deal to me. I love you, but I’m letting go. That’s what was going through my mind. I’ll respect my past and embrace everything in store for me in the future. I’m not going to dwell and reminisce for too long, because ultimately, all that will do is make me feel like shit, and that is the last thing I want. I had my good cry, and with a heavy heart I’m learning to slowly let go. My heart is open, but not quite all the way… yet. If only it were that easy to have a miraculous recovery after a heartbreak, but that is just wishful thinking. My good friends (they know who they are) have really been there for me and the most sincere concern makes up for this heartfuck. Thank you, good friends. Thank you, my own heart, for reminding me that I have yet to find my lobster. It’s going to be difficult to get past, but everything will get better in time. Who knows where I’ll be another 5 months for now. I’m staying optimistic and I’m telling myself that in 5 months I’ll be happier and my fear… my damn fear of not being good enough and my fear of being dropped when at my highest will dissolve.

Hello, my name is Catherine, and I’m the strongest girl I know.

WHAT DO YOU TAKE ME FOR?

I’ve always said that I don’t want people to take me for granted, simply because it’s a horrible, painful feeling. Think about it: who wants to feel like they are being treated less than they’re really worth? And here’s another thought: who the hell has the right to let someone even think for even a split second feel that they’d mean anything less than they actually do to a person? (I have a tendency of compiling wordy sentences, I hope that made sense and I apologize for any confusion that may follow… or any that has already begun.)

I was just thinking about that; being taken for granted, I mean. I realized that I shouldn’t get so defensive because I may possibly be guilty of doing the same. Obviously I don’t mean to do such things intentionally, I’m not evil. I know things just happen, and it’s understandable for people to feel badly about it. I grew up being taught with the moral of being considerate to other people, no matter what. That may slip every now and then, but I’m usually pretty good about keeping up with it, whether it may be taking the time to do a favor for someone, working around your own schedule to benefit other peoples’, or to recognize that someone might be too busy to focus on you and allow them to continue with what they were doing, whether you like it or not.

I want to start being more vocal when it comes to letting people know that they are important to me and how glad I am to have them be a part of my life. The way I see it, everyone you meet impacts your life one way or another, if it’s greatly or a little less than that: what matters is that they did in fact change your life in some way, whether you realize it right away or after some time.

I want to tell all the people I’ve only known a couple months or weeks that I’m glad to have met them; I want to tell all my closest friends that their friendship means the world to me; I want to be able to tell my parents that I’m very grateful for everything they’ve ever done for me, and that I respect their best intentions even when I don’t agree all the time; I want to tell my brother and sister that I really enjoy spending time with them, especially since distance makes that rare; I want to tell my boyfriend that I want more than anything for us to work through this distance because I know he’s worth it; I want to develop sincere friendships with people who are merely acquaintances; (even though I don’t have a job anymore) I want to tell my co-workers that I really appreciate all the help they give me, especially when I make little mistakes at work; I want to tell my teachers (the ones I actually respect and learn from) that I appreciate the effort they put into everyday at school and that they really have contributed something to my academic life, which will ultimately lead to my future.

There’s so much more that I have left to say… to so many people, and I’m going to start doing that more often. Taking others for granted is just as bad as taking life itself for granted, and no one wants to do that, right? In so many words, and without any shame or fear, I’d like to say thank you to anyone and everyone, and I promise I’ll do my best to not take people in my life for granted, and make sure they won’t feel anything less than what they really mean to me <3 I appreciate the people I am lucky enough to know and/or love, and I don’t want ‘em to forget that.