UPSIDE DAY

This morning I sort of felt like shit, partially because of the phone talk I had last night, and because I was jut flat-out sleep deprived… because that’s how it’s been lately. Sorry if I was such a downer. Everyone has their off days, right? I brightened up for some weird reason towards the end of second period, and felt better – more or less. [There really is no damn point in being upset over something I can't change, as much as I'd like it to. Like the song goes: While truckin' down the road of life, although all hope seems gone, I just move on. When I can't find a single star to hang my wish upon, I just move on, I move on. I got all the closure and clarity in the world, and that's all that matters, really. I think my (very) newly found glee has left me feeling more ready to be forgiving and civil about it all. Call it a random epiphany, if you will. And... new inspiration, can't forget that.]

Anyways, I was seriously trailing off topic… but like I was saying, today really seemed to lift my spirits, for a number of reasons. I actually got into the musical at school. (Oh yeah, I actually did try out, by the way. I sang That Thing You Do! for my audition song.) I can’t believe I’m at least a little good enought to get in. I must say, I’m proud of myself. High School Musical, here we go! Had lots and lots of LOLs with Victoria and Kim after school. “Will you eat my insides, Catherine?” LOL @ burned potstickers. Mad Libs is about a million times more amusing when you’ve got perverted word choices, in MY opinion. *WINK WINK*

About an hour ago, my mom tells me my sister, Ana’s genius plan of having me & a friend (I pick Kim right off the bat, because it’s just a given) meet up with her and my brother-in-law, Don, and niece, Colleen, and nephew, Sean at Disneyland for TWO DAYS while she and him attend to work-related matters. HELL YEAH. Now, I’m listening to Disney music, getting myself really pumped up. Nothing else gives me such a wonderful feeling the way Disneyland does… that’s just how it is with me. Disneyland is my sweet escape, and it really could not have come at a better time.

The last two-ish months of the year are always my favorite, and this year is no exception. I’ve always got so much to look forward to around this time of the year, and I love that. Twilight at midnight with Victoria and a whole bunch of other people on Thursday, Thanksgiving weekend is next weekend, and the weekend after THAT will be Disneyland, and the weekend after Disneyland will be the first week of winter break! You should all know by now know all the things in store for winter break: 18th birthday (which has a bunch of cool sub-plans/events on its own), I’m going back to the Disney Store (or so I’m told) after I turn 18, and then there’s Christmas… AND New Year’s! Whooooooooo. This is a wonderful time for things to be looking up for me. I’m glad. Lord knows I needed it, and for that I’m very thankful

P.S. Better than Jacob Black.

WHAT DO YOU TAKE ME FOR?

I’ve always said that I don’t want people to take me for granted, simply because it’s a horrible, painful feeling. Think about it: who wants to feel like they are being treated less than they’re really worth? And here’s another thought: who the hell has the right to let someone even think for even a split second feel that they’d mean anything less than they actually do to a person? (I have a tendency of compiling wordy sentences, I hope that made sense and I apologize for any confusion that may follow… or any that has already begun.)

I was just thinking about that; being taken for granted, I mean. I realized that I shouldn’t get so defensive because I may possibly be guilty of doing the same. Obviously I don’t mean to do such things intentionally, I’m not evil. I know things just happen, and it’s understandable for people to feel badly about it. I grew up being taught with the moral of being considerate to other people, no matter what. That may slip every now and then, but I’m usually pretty good about keeping up with it, whether it may be taking the time to do a favor for someone, working around your own schedule to benefit other peoples’, or to recognize that someone might be too busy to focus on you and allow them to continue with what they were doing, whether you like it or not.

I want to start being more vocal when it comes to letting people know that they are important to me and how glad I am to have them be a part of my life. The way I see it, everyone you meet impacts your life one way or another, if it’s greatly or a little less than that: what matters is that they did in fact change your life in some way, whether you realize it right away or after some time.

I want to tell all the people I’ve only known a couple months or weeks that I’m glad to have met them; I want to tell all my closest friends that their friendship means the world to me; I want to be able to tell my parents that I’m very grateful for everything they’ve ever done for me, and that I respect their best intentions even when I don’t agree all the time; I want to tell my brother and sister that I really enjoy spending time with them, especially since distance makes that rare; I want to tell my boyfriend that I want more than anything for us to work through this distance because I know he’s worth it; I want to develop sincere friendships with people who are merely acquaintances; (even though I don’t have a job anymore) I want to tell my co-workers that I really appreciate all the help they give me, especially when I make little mistakes at work; I want to tell my teachers (the ones I actually respect and learn from) that I appreciate the effort they put into everyday at school and that they really have contributed something to my academic life, which will ultimately lead to my future.

There’s so much more that I have left to say… to so many people, and I’m going to start doing that more often. Taking others for granted is just as bad as taking life itself for granted, and no one wants to do that, right? In so many words, and without any shame or fear, I’d like to say thank you to anyone and everyone, and I promise I’ll do my best to not take people in my life for granted, and make sure they won’t feel anything less than what they really mean to me <3 I appreciate the people I am lucky enough to know and/or love, and I don’t want ‘em to forget that.

FREEDOM OF RELIGION

I’m a Catholic, and I go to church just about every Sunday. My mom gets upset if I ever miss church and will go to any lengths to make sure I never do, like going on Saturday or extra early on Sunday, for instance. When I was younger, I wasn’t exactly fond of going to church, but I didn’t really dread it, either. I really enjoyed the sermons our priest delivered and the music our music director and choir performed. Over the years, however, priests moved to different parishes, and our music director moved to New York. Their replacements weren’t exactly great compensations to our losses. The changes that were being made to my church sort of discouraged me, simply because I began to loose interest. The new priests were not engaging, and the new music was… to put it lightly… horrible. Our former music director was seriously top-notch, I mean… he was amazing, and for the church to hire such a downgrade was completely disappointing.

I can remember a time when I really didn’t mind practicing and following my religion. I used to pray every night and everything. I realized that I haven’t been doing that as frequently anymore. It’s not like I want to live my life without following Catholic beliefs, but I’ve also realized that something that has been pushing me away from it is the one person who has been trying relentlessly to get me to follow it, that person being my mom. Whenever I pass by her in the living room and she’s watching TV, it’s usually on this Christian/Catholic religion channel, and she never fails to say “You should watch this once in a while instead of that garbage you usually watch” (Or something to that effect.) I can’t help but roll my eyes every time. And I hate it how almost every non-religion topic of conversation I have with her turns into exactly the opposite. I can bring up something like school or relationships, or my career goals, and she somehow takes advantage of the conversation and ends it with a long speech about how it’s important for me to pray and go to church and yadda yadda yadda. Not to mention the fact that she makes me feel guilty as hell every time I do or say something that either she or the Catholic faith (or both) would not approve of. I know she’s just trying to steer me the right way, but she should know by now that I’m not a fuck up, and I’m not going to put a bad name on the family; I am old enough and fully capable of making my own decisions however I see fit.

Of course I want to be a good person, but I don’t think that should be based on whether or not I practice my religion or not. Following your religion does not make you a good person; your judgement and the choices you make is what determines whether or not you are a good person. Honestly, I would like to have the strength to follow my religion -on my own terms. I don’t want to be forced to go to church or feel guilty if I don’t live up to the religious expectations my parents may have of me. Everything becomes tainted if I go into something I’m not capable of dedicating my heart to. I hate having to go to church every Sunday and just sit there while the priest puts everything he’s got into something that goes in one ear and out the other. I want to be able to learn from whatever he’s got to say and have it stick in my head. I’m tired of being forced to believe something I was slowly losing faith in. I’ve tried explaining this to my mom, but she didn’t really take me seriously, and continued to push it. The way I see it, is that I need to start over fresh with my religion, the problem is that I know my mom won’t let me handle this the way I’d like to. I’m not too keen with the old-fashioned way of doing things; in my experiences, I’ve noticed that the “motivational speaking method” seems to stick more, simply because the speakers have more enthusiasm in their voices, compared to the elder priests who speak softly and slowly. I think if I found a more contemporary Catholic parish to join, I’d have an easier time understanding myself as well as my own religion. I want to be able to “save” myself, because I want the same unconditional faith and dedication that so many other people have to the Catholic faith because when you reach a feeling of fulfillment with anything (not necessarily just faith/religion), it makes you feel good. I’m all for self-improvement in my life, and I can honestly say that I believe the pursuit/achievement of new-found faith will be a factor for me. It’s important for me to maintain the things in my life that make me feel good and happy, whether it be strong friendships, inspired writing, or simply a positive state of mind. I want that same effect for my religion.

Religion can’t be taken lightly, and you certainly can not force someone to believe in something they aren’t willing to follow, that’s just not how it works, and I understand that better now. My mom would always be upset that my brother-in-law was not religious, and she kept wishing and hoping for him to at least meet her half-way so my niece and nephew would at least be baptized, but even that took a good 5 or 6 years to get through. People have to be willing to see what another person sees -sometimes it’s easy, sometimes it’s not. Sometimes it takes time, and sometimes it’s just plain hopeless. No matter what, everyone needs to respect others’ opinions, because if not, you’ll always be stuck on that same track you’ve been leading your whole life. Open minds and open hearts are key in this crazy, crazy world. I hope I made at least a little sense… if not, oh well, at least it made sense to me.

BOTTOM LINE: I want enough strength to save myself from losing faith in my religion completely, because it is important to me, it just needs to be handled in a way that I can progress from and build off of.