Don’t you ever, ever dare fucking think that what I felt for you wasn’t real. I was in love with you, dammit. I loved you through everything – all the breakups, all the arguments, all the stupid mood swings you would have. I stuck it out and I kept my heart invested in you. I was nothing but real, honest, and sincere. You were my priority for a year and a half, whether you were just my friend or my boyfriend – and you treated me nothing more than an option. You’ve hurt me with the things you’ve said and done – you’ve offended me far more times than I ever did to you. I was always willing to hear you out whenever you would try to apologize to me, and now, you won’t even do me the decency of hearing me out.
What has really angered me the most, is the way you so carelessly treated my feelings when you knew just how upset I’ve been over my dad’s current health problems. You promised that you would always be there for me, no matter what – and you said that I could rely on you in times like these. But for you to not even waste a breath asking about him, or even checking up on me when you knew that he was going to be in a serious surgery… that’s what ticked me off. I know you “have a job and a life,” but excuse me for actually believing you when you said that you cared about me. You’ve been nothing more than self-involved and selfish. For you to get angry at me for MY mood swings during such a dark time in my life… fuck you. YOU SAID YOU WOULD ALWAYS BE THERE FOR ME, REGARDLESS OF HOW FAR AWAY YOU WERE. Where were you when I needed you the fucking most?
Ignore the voicemails and texts of me begging you to forgive me/take me back. We’re not even together, so like I’ve said before: it really shouldn’t matter to you. I was surprised when you made me believe it actually did. No, not anymore. If you’re done with me, then I’m done with you. Go ahead and waste all your “precious” time on Tumblr flirting with internet strangers and indulging in whatever popular meme there may be for the day. You don’t have to make promises you feel obligated to keep to me anymore. You don’t have to deal with that “constant knot in your gut” about me, wondering if you should or shouldn’t fall in love with me. For the record, in case I haven’t said it enough to you in the past: I love you and I never doubted that.
The only times I ever doubted myself was when you gave me reason to. A large part of why I’m so insecure about myself is because of you. You’ve managed to break me down and weaken my stride. A big part of the reason I don’t like myself is because you always gave me the insecurity of not being good enough for you to fall in love with me.
If you don’t love me, then just leave me alone. If you should ever have something to fucking say to me – try your luck and maybe I’ll listen. I know one thing for sure: I’ll hear you out – something you couldn’t even have the decency to do for me.
Grow the fuck up, James. You’re 21 fucking years old, and you should know by now how to treat a human being. The way you’ve treated me is NOT the way you treat someone you have or used to have feelings for. Hell, that’s no fucking way to even treat a friend. I don’t know what I’ll ever mean to you. Probably nothing, because that’s how you have made me feel.
What I want to know is how the hell you could go on and pull all the stunts with me the way you did when you told me earlier this year that I was one of the only things worth living for. Don’t think I’ve forgotten that.
It’s a shame we’ll never do any of the things together like we said we always would.
I REST MY CASE
SELFISH & PATHETIC
I don’t know what’s wrong with me. Lately I’ve been backtracking my thinking process, and I don’t like it. I was doing so well keeping my heart in the freezer. I didn’t… feel. I didn’t… think. It was nice to not have any pain whatsoever for a change. It was nice to repel all the “what if” scenarios that clouded my mind for so long. It was nice to have a clear mind and guarded heart. I didn’t have to worry about hurting myself or giving myself a mindfuck. I built up my new found strength and felt so damn proud of myself. I don’t know what the hell happened. I must have taken a wrong turn somewhere because my pace has been staggering. I guess I shouldn’t have listened to old songs -regardless of how much I missed them- and I shouldn’t have taken more than a “peek.” I’ve been running into too many damn “reminders” and “coincidences,” not to mention the occasional WTF dreams. During some of my insomnia-filled late nights, I found myself digging too deep into thoughts, whether they were fond memories, or ones I’d rather not remember… or things that were said; words exchanged. Some things are impossible to believe anymore. Some things seem unreal, some things seem like a lie… all those things were easy to let go as unanswered because there didn’t seem like any use in finding them out anymore. That’s why I’ve been keeping my heart in the freezer for almost 3 or 4 months.
I was re-reading some of the stuff I wrote last week:
“…that’s one of the things I was scared of the most -aside from feeling alone- it was the pain.” “I invested too much time and feelings to be “just friends.” You’ve had too much of an effect on me for me to want to be with you so badly like I once wanted. I can’t just allow you to rely on me to be a friend unless there’s something more -as selfish as it may sound. I’ve been a giver all my life – it’s my turn to be a taker.”
I thought about how much it would hurt to… see or know that his attention has moved on to someone funnier, smarter, prettier… someone all around better than me. As selfish as that sounds, that’s the last thing I’d want to see because it would probably upset and bother me more than anyone can imagine. Like I said: selfish.
I was daydreaming today, because I had nothing better to do, and I found myself thinking. Yet again. I was thinking about all the plans that were once made – all the things we once said we’d do together. That actually seemed to crack the ice, for the first time in a long time… for the first time in a long time, I wished things were better off, and I wanted more than anything to cross some of those plans off the old to-do lists. I realized the chances of that happening are pretty damn slim, and I felt a wave of disappointment wash over me. I even dared to think about the “future” we once playfully talked about having together and I told myself: pathetic. I forced myself to fall asleep before I could get the ice to crack beneath my feet any more farther along than it already had.
It’s times like these when I remind myself that all this is not worth sitting, waiting, wishing for someone to fall in love with me.
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I’m looking to see if I can
And you’re looking for me to begin this
Just try to pretend if you can
While you’re waiting for me to unwind… again…
But I can’t find a way
No, I can’t find a way
To just try and
Just try and explain myself
Because we stay the same,
We stay the same
Now I’m looking to see
If you’re sad or just lonely
So next time things will be different…
I’m waiting to find out when
And this wave is starting to get in my head
Just try to pretend if you can
Because if we fall, we’ll fall hard again
But I can’t find a way
No, I can’t find a way
To just try and
Just try and explain myself
Because we stay the same, we stay the same
Now I’m looking to see if you’re just sad or lonely
So next time I things will be different…
Just calm down, I’m always around
And I can’t seem to shake this out
And I’m still looking to see
If you’re just sad or lonely
So next time I things will be different…
CLEMENTINE KRUCZYNSKI
Seeing that its been a good couple months since certain events have taken place, I realized that I never took the time to post any sort of “angry” or “bitter” rant. I don’t know if that’s what this will be, but… I guess we’ll be able to tell whether or not that’s what this blog will be by the time I’m done writing it. Most of my thoughts have been invested in several pages out of journals and random song lyrics placed here and there, whether it be on Myspace or on the corner of a scrap piece of paper.
I’m not going to explain what happened. For those of you who don’t know all the nitty-gritty details, just consider yourselves lucky, especially if you were fortunate enough to not witness it. First off, let me say that I have never felt more publicly humiliated, and (at the time) I felt beyond weak; at my absolute worst breaking point. And one of the worst things from that night in particular, was that I was actually enjoying myself, regardless of how negative I was feeling a few hours before-hand. I was pepped up and really cheerful, but… shit had to hit the fan. I had to witness something I really rather would not have, and it was sort of like a wake-up call in the worst way; definitely not the wake-up calls I was used to. This was harsh reality. What’s worse, it was under intoxicated circumstances. You know, when I look back at everything that happened between me and… that person in the past year seems like a complete dream. Everything now is just so… unreal and at the rare times I do find myself thinking back to the “good times” (or at least what I believed to be “good times”) I have a hard time convincing myself that any of it happened. I’d have an easier time believing the fact that I was schizophrenic, than actually believe that what happened actually did happen, and the words exchanged really were spoken. Hours upon hours spent on the phone were all a waste. I compromised relationships with my friends and family. I turned down someone who really did seem to care for me in exchange for someone I went through the same old pointless cycle with. I allowed certain things to get out of hand and I feel that I allowed situations to carry on farther than I would have liked them to. All the sneaking around, all the lies I had to tell, all the arguments I got into over that person; all the fighting I did for him… all of it seemed to be nothing more than a waste of time and energy, and did nothing more than make me look like a bigger fool than I already am.
“You’re worth living for.” For something that seems to mean so much, he really did have one hell of an unconventional way of showing that he meant it. Yes, there are certain things I remember being told, whether I wanted to hear them or not; good and bad. I’m not going to stay mad at a person for them not being able to fall in love with me, that’s just crazy. But so help me, I will stay mad at a person for dragging our relationship out for so long, when they don’t know what they want for sure. As far as that goes, it’s going to be a while until I can stop being bitter about that. A grown man should not be harboring such indecisiveness. It’s not fair to him or that person he’s putting it through (that person being me). I’m over all the crying because “he’s not in love with me and he never will be” bullshit. No, no, no. I’m honestly beyond all that. The last time I even cried over that stuff was the last conversation we both had about it. Since then… I’ve been tough as nails, and it’s not like all the other times when I feel as if I’m only kidding myself and my feelings will eventually catch up with me to bite me in the ass.
I’ve been ready to start new; willing and able to mingle and stay open. Eye candy is one sort of sweet that most certainly will not rot the eyes. I’m beyond excited to start college, with the hopes of meeting new people: muffins in particular. I know I’ll come across my fair share of doughnuts, because I’m no stranger to that… but college is a good way for me to broaden my horizon and my God… when I was over at SWC the other day, I couldn’t get enough of all the white boys.
I’ve blocked out the good feelings and talks, and I think it’s in that sense that I’m like Clementine, only in my case… I’m not going to try to figure out what it was I erased, because I know that in the end, I’ll be back at square one, and I’ll remember exactly why I wanted to erase everything to begin with. I’ve learned the hard way that I’m only hurting myself if I continue to reminisce over the things I once loved about this person, memories shared and songs dedicated included. I don’t want to hurt anymore, and I’ve been doing pretty good by myself. I don’t even lurk on Myspace. I think the reason I haven’t completely managed to erase him off Myspace is just to keep a tiny reminder that all of it was real, and that I’m not as crazy as I let myself believe I am. Every time I don’t click the link to their page, I mentally pat myself on the back for not allowing curiosity to get the best of me.
Of course I’ll be there if there shall ever come a day when he might need me, but I know that I’m probably one of the last people he’ll ever think to turn to now, but that’s okay. I don’t need to be in places where I’m not needed. I’m glad that I have the freedom to remain carefree and not worry about the ex-girlfriends I cannot stand because of the things I’ve heard they’ve done, particularly about the way they had treated him and yet he still maintains some sort of “friendship” or keeps them as acquaintances. I don’t need to go on not being able to understand why for some reason he insists to keep in close contact. It’s out of my hands now, and I don’t have to throw subtle reminders his way that such things make me uncomfortable. I don’t have to act like I’m okay with the idea of him even exchanging words with them, hanging out with them through mutual friends… I don’t even have to pretend that I enjoy listening to him read to me the heartfelt song lyrics he wrote about them way back when. I don’t even need to feel like he’d much rather hang out with his friends than spend time with me, or would rather be pre-occupied with other things over the phone than talking to me. I don’t have to hint at the fact that I’m not having a good day rather than him just asking how my day was. I don’t need to constantly ask him how he’s feeling and not have him ask the same of me. I don’t need any of that, and I’m better off without it. In the past year, I’ve had numerous people tell me that I deserve better than this. Better than him. My friends, my family, my teachers and co-workers, complete strangers I met at parties, and even his friends have told me this, and it’s about time I start believing them.
It’s about time I get rid of the idea that one day he’ll just change his mind and realize how much I really did mean to him. It’s about time I raise my white flag and surrender all these ideas in my hopeless romantic head and figure out the difference between romanticizing a situation and seeing it for what it really is, and what it really is… is nothing. You can’t make people fall in love with you, and it’s not fair for you to stay with someone and just hope that one day they fall in love with you. That’s not how it works, and as much of a hard pill it is to swallow, it’s my turn to lean my head back and take it, and follow it with a wash of ice cold water. I’m done with counting the days to see how long it will take before my heart is broken/disappointed by the same old person.
I’m not trying to sound cocky when I say any of this, but the honest-to-God truth is that I am a great catch. I put people before myself and I am very thoughtful. I do my best to keep up conversations, and I’m the farthest thing from a man-eater. I’m not a slut, and I am sentimental and honest. I’m weird, but that’s just me. I look cute on a good day, and I admit that I don’t have a knock-out body. I’m very understanding and I do my best to be mature and open to everything. I treat boys like people- not like toys. I’m quite possibly one of the most considerate people you’ll ever meet.
I think it’s about time I wrap up this blog… this long overdue rant/reflection. I think I may be starting to talk in circles again, so I’ll end it with these last words…
If there was just one thing I could say to you, it’d be this: If I was ever anything at all, I was yours.
MAYBE ONE OF THESE DAYS…
I’ll dye my hair in streaks of blue like Clementine Kruczynski from Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind… and maybe, hopefully I’ll meet someone like Joel Barish; we’ll fall in love, out of love, and back in love once we meet again after erasing each other from our memories. Yeah… that sounds like something definitely worth hoping for<3
HE’S JUST NOT THAT INTO YOU
“I may dissect each little thing and put myself out there so much but at least that means that I still care. Oh! You’ve think you won because women are expendable to you. You may not get hurt or make an ass of yourself that way but you don’t fall in love that way either. You have not won. You’re alone. I may do a lot of stupid shit but I’m still a lot closer to love than you are.”
TENNIS COURT SOUNDTRACK
What the fuck is your problem? If anyone should be feeling disdain, it should be ME. If anyone should desire to “pull a Clementine,” it should be ME. I never thought I’d lose a best friend so badly. Never have I done you wrong. Of all the people I’ve ever known/met in my life, I think it’s fair to say that you are officially the one person who has hurt me the most – without a doubt. I ain’t never loved anyone the way I loved you. Your words and actions are like acid. If any of this is some sort of ploy to make me feel bad, congratulations, mission accomplished. Do what you have to do. Delete me from Myspace, delete every last comment I ever sent you. Read every note and letter I ever wrote to you one last time and then burn them all. In case you didn’t notice, you meant everything to me. You don’t need me and you never did. And I never needed you. That’s what I’ll keep telling myself until I actually believe it. I’m definitely not as strong as I’d like everyone to believe, but so help me… I’m breaking down again. One last time. One final release of every good and bad feeling I ever felt with you. There’s no crawling back. There’s no begging and pleading. This is my intervention.
Distance never felt so horrible when it came to you, whether it was the physical or mental distance- or both. I missed you more than anyone else did, I don’t care what anyone else says. You were in 99.9% of my thoughts all day, everyday. There was pretty much never a moment when I wasn’t thinking about you, let alone missing you and wanting more than anything to be with you. My heart was thousands and thousands of miles away from me for so many months and I remained patient and hopeful. I finally caught that curve-ball you threw with my heart, and it goes without saying that the batter struck out. You’ve never been so cruel as you are now. You’ve never been so unforgiving. You’ve never seemed so eager to throw everything (concerning me) away. Just keep pushing me away until you see that I’ve become nothing at all. I guess I’ll have to do the same to you, and fight my desire to fight back like hell and do everything I can to keep you. Dammit. Fuck you. I miss you. I’m losing you and it’s effortless. I was never your first choice. I should have just walked away, because it has hurt me so much. You, you were always my first choice.
Nothing I haven’t said before. This is just me walking in circles. It’s time for me to take a step in the right direction, and out of the circle. I wish you weren’t hurting me so badly, because it’s just making all of this that much harder. Sorry I’m not one of the girls who can break your heart; you were head over heels for those girls. Gone are the nights of phone conversations about everything and nothing. Gone are the “false hope” comments of random links/pictures/videos regarding said conversations. It was quite an experience. I’d have killed the messenger if he ever said it would turn out this way. I’m not going to lurk around Myspace every now and then to cure my curiosity. I’ll never heal at that rate. Is everything just going to remain forgotten? Is that really the end of this chapter? I’ll be damned. All right. That’s just the way it is, I guess. I want you, but I’m not giving in this time.
+ + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + +
Where have you been?
I’ve been waiting so long to hear from you
And all the things that we said we would do,
Remains to be plans of the past
We’ve been, we’ve been too quiet for too long.
Where is, where is the hope we once had?
It’s too late to be saved by your charm,
We’ll never get this right
Your words are cold, and the season is too,
The comfort in your voice is gone
Don’t keep in touch, I’m better off all alone
You’ve lost everything that I’ve loved
So is it worth this time?
Am I done in your mind?
Will I regret once you’re gone?
Why did I ever think that we would, we would be good?
We’ve been, we’ve been too quiet for too long.
Where is, where is the hope we once had?
It’s too late to be saved by your charm,
We’ll never get this right
Well, alright, I’m sorry I even tried
I was a fool to have hope in you, in you
ON MY MIND
There’s been a bunch of stuff on my mind lately.
I can’t wait until I go back to work, which (hopefully) is soon. Unemployed life is boring and it sucks to be broke. I need to save my money up… for a lot of practical and impractical things. I need to get a steady income rolling.
I feel like shit because I haven’t been to the gym in like… six months. I hate being lazy, for the most part. I love to work out, I just hate being surrounded by disgusting jocks in the weight room at school. I keep telling myself I’m going to get back into the habit; my gut has become slightly larger since the holidays and I can’t stand it. Definitely need to start eating healthy again and get back into old work out habits & commitment.
School is pretty breezy nowadays. I love AP Lit. I love having only 3 classes again. Unscheduled 4th period is a God-send. I even managed to swing a 4.33 GPA. I haven’t done that since freshman year. High school is almost over, I can’t believe it.
I got accepted into SFSU, woot woot-! My mom still wants me to go to community college for two years to get my general studies out of the way. It makes sense, but goddamn. I want to get out of this town. Well, I do and I don’t. I just really need a good dose of adventure & new things. I love meeting new people, and I’m very greatful to have had the opportunity to meet a handful of new people this past couple months. I need more of that. More adventures & more new people.
My writing has been slowly progressing, and that’s better than nothing in my book. I’m making an honest attempt to resurrect The Hot Dog/Cab Incident short story, but I really don’t know where to go from where I left off. I figure once I do something good with that story, then I can advance to Cheese, Chocolate & Grapes.
I’ve been feeling more disconnected from church lately. There really isn’t anything I can do about it. I don’t like the priests, I don’t pay attention during the readings- let alone the sermons, and I still don’t like the music. There isn’t much point in talking to my mom about it, because she’s really stubborn on the subject. I wish there was something I could to to renew my faith in my religion, but I’ve been drawing up blanks when it comes to that.
I’ve been feeling really restless due to lack of a driver’s license. I think if I had my license, I wouldn’t be so damn lazy all the time, and I hate wasting days away doing nothing but nap in bed. I plan on taking my permit test again sometime soon (for the 3rd time). I know. I suck. I’m a horrible test taker, I’m not even kidding. I absolutely HATE taking tests, no matter what. I get nervous, no matter what. It’s ridiculous. I need to get my license soon. I’m most likely going to be stuck driving the ugly janky Mexican van until I get a real car. My brother-in-law says I can have his old Nissan. The only problem is that it’s a stick shift, and I have never even touched a stick shift car. If I go up to San Francisco to visit my sister and stuff during spring break, I plan on driving the car back home with me. Summer is going to be here before I know it and I can’t not be without a car.
My love life… hah. Well, it doesn’t exist. The existance of my non-existant love life is pretty much the story of my life… that makes sense, right? It sucks, as always. I guess it’s better to be in no relationship rather than an unsteady one, right? I could ramble on and on about this, but I shouldn’t. And I won’t. It looks like a friendship got ruined because of a so-called “relationship,” and you have no idea how much that has really bummed me out. It would be pointless for me to ramble on and on about that as well, because no one reads this blog anyways, and… rambling wouldn’t change anything. As much as I wish it would.
GUTSY
HAVE THE GUTS TO LET GO; Whether it’s a broken relationship, an old idea, things you’ve outgrown, unrequited love, all the things you need to let go.
Source: Thresca
#1
You, you are wonderful. After all these years you still make me smile. And damn, you’re still charming as ever. I can’t believe it’s already been 5 years. Every time I talk to you, or even look at you, I remember every feeling I ever had for you, and I realize why I felt the way I did about you. There’s still that sparkle in your eye, but unfortunately, I still see the pain. I’m sorry for that. I wish I knew what was hurting you so badly all these years, or even the recent happenings. I have and most likely always will have the determination to pull the thorn from your heart, so you can progressively heal. You deserve so much better than I ever was, and even more than she ever was. I hope you find what you’re looking for. More importantly, whom you’re looking for. You changed something in me so long ago. I owe you everything; the heart-wrenching realities I had to face -because they made me so much stronger-, the ability to notice sparkles, and above all… the inspiration. Where the hell would I be if I had not met you and had never felt such things for you? You’re amazing. Now, when I look at you, I know I’ve overcome so much, because there are no more backflips my tiresome heart would perform every time I’d think of you; every time I’d see you; hell, every time I’d hear your name. All that’s gone, but the memory of my feelings remain, and that’s what matters. I remember everything, and I will never forget. You’re unforgettable, and you taught me so much… even though you’ll probably never realize it. You’re a great friend, and I love you for that. My writing would not be the same without you. You were my first muse. You’ll always be my #1, no matter what. I’m tripping over my words and talking in circles, but… everything makes sense to me. I just wanted to take this time to look back and be thankful for… well, you. We’ll go our separate ways, but you’ve left with me something I will never part with, and that’s inspiration. Here’s to these past 5 years. Hard to believe it’s been that long, but in the end, it really was worth it all. I am the way I am today partially because of you. How can I ever regret anything that changed me so positively? Thank you, “Wally.”
As Aslyn so eloquently sang: I never stopped falling in love with you.
In a sense, I never did, but in other ways, I did — so to speak. It’s complicated to explain, and the only person it will ever make sense to will be me.
THANKS
Happy Thanksgiving, everyone.
Watching old home movies from when I was a baby really hit a nerve, and I was eventually in tears. Hard to believe I’m that same baby girl… well, not quite so hard to believe, since I stumbled around unsteadily on my two feet even way back when… I guess I’ve always been the same girl, hahah. I’ve really grown up and I can’t believe how much some things have changed. The house looked the same (in some parts) the people looked younger (& LOL@ early 90’s fashion). (And I noticed that I was a Disney freak from the womb. My high chair was Mickey & Minnie Mouse, and I ALWAYS wore a Minnie Mouse sweatshirt.) Kim said that watching those home movies would make me feel thankful, and she was right. I don’t know what else to say, other than thank you… to everyone. My life wouldn’t be the same without any of you, and I love you guys for that. I love my friends. I love my family. I love every curve ball life has ever thrown at me. I never thought I could get so choked up just from watching myself stumble around the same old house in diapers. God… this house. I’ve grown up in it. The tile is still the same, that’s what really gets me for some reason, I don’t know why. I’ve stumbled around on the same old tile for almost 18 years now, and I’m still not the least bit graceful, hahaha.
I don’t know what I’m really getting at anymore, but I suppose that doesn’t matter, because when I read this back a year from now, I’ll remember where my thoughts were when I wrote this, and that’s what matters. This is a rather unconventional “what I’m thankful for” blog, but oh well. I’m an unconventional girl, right?
