Don’t you ever, ever dare fucking think that what I felt for you wasn’t real. I was in love with you, dammit. I loved you through everything – all the breakups, all the arguments, all the stupid mood swings you would have. I stuck it out and I kept my heart invested in you. I was nothing but real, honest, and sincere. You were my priority for a year and a half, whether you were just my friend or my boyfriend – and you treated me nothing more than an option. You’ve hurt me with the things you’ve said and done – you’ve offended me far more times than I ever did to you. I was always willing to hear you out whenever you would try to apologize to me, and now, you won’t even do me the decency of hearing me out.
What has really angered me the most, is the way you so carelessly treated my feelings when you knew just how upset I’ve been over my dad’s current health problems. You promised that you would always be there for me, no matter what – and you said that I could rely on you in times like these. But for you to not even waste a breath asking about him, or even checking up on me when you knew that he was going to be in a serious surgery… that’s what ticked me off. I know you “have a job and a life,” but excuse me for actually believing you when you said that you cared about me. You’ve been nothing more than self-involved and selfish. For you to get angry at me for MY mood swings during such a dark time in my life… fuck you. YOU SAID YOU WOULD ALWAYS BE THERE FOR ME, REGARDLESS OF HOW FAR AWAY YOU WERE. Where were you when I needed you the fucking most?
Ignore the voicemails and texts of me begging you to forgive me/take me back. We’re not even together, so like I’ve said before: it really shouldn’t matter to you. I was surprised when you made me believe it actually did. No, not anymore. If you’re done with me, then I’m done with you. Go ahead and waste all your “precious” time on Tumblr flirting with internet strangers and indulging in whatever popular meme there may be for the day. You don’t have to make promises you feel obligated to keep to me anymore. You don’t have to deal with that “constant knot in your gut” about me, wondering if you should or shouldn’t fall in love with me. For the record, in case I haven’t said it enough to you in the past: I love you and I never doubted that.
The only times I ever doubted myself was when you gave me reason to. A large part of why I’m so insecure about myself is because of you. You’ve managed to break me down and weaken my stride. A big part of the reason I don’t like myself is because you always gave me the insecurity of not being good enough for you to fall in love with me.
If you don’t love me, then just leave me alone. If you should ever have something to fucking say to me – try your luck and maybe I’ll listen. I know one thing for sure: I’ll hear you out – something you couldn’t even have the decency to do for me.
Grow the fuck up, James. You’re 21 fucking years old, and you should know by now how to treat a human being. The way you’ve treated me is NOT the way you treat someone you have or used to have feelings for. Hell, that’s no fucking way to even treat a friend. I don’t know what I’ll ever mean to you. Probably nothing, because that’s how you have made me feel.
What I want to know is how the hell you could go on and pull all the stunts with me the way you did when you told me earlier this year that I was one of the only things worth living for. Don’t think I’ve forgotten that.
It’s a shame we’ll never do any of the things together like we said we always would.
I REST MY CASE
“Let’s stay like this, please. It’s all I want.” <3WARNING SIGN
I’m not going to lie. I’m still going through that “regression.” I’m beginning to feel weaker and weaker. I don’t know what to do. My heart is practically pounding out of my throat. Something is stopping me from reaching from the phone and looking up an all-too-familiar name under my contacts, and dialing the number. I want to so badly. I don’t know if I can, though. I feel like you’re mad at me… or you hate me. Honestly, I’m scared of you right now. I’m scared you’re going to shrug me off, and that’s the LAST thing I want. Someone please wake me up and just tell me it’s a horrible dream… tell me everything is as it always was and that everything is okay. Tell me we still talk just about every other night about everything and nothing. Tell me 6 minutes after midnight still means something to you. Tell me you still mean what you wrote in that card… if not all of it… at least some of it. Please tell me that I still mean something important to you.
This is my blog and I can put whatever I want on this… without feeling like I’m too much of a fool. No one really reads this anyways. I’m just going to go all out. Hell, I’ll even put your name under the tags.
I miss you. I miss you so much and I don’t want to believe that things will never be the same again. You were my best friend for so long last year. I don’t want to throw any of that away. I DON’T want to be like Clementine. I can’t not have you in my life. I need you to be a part of it. I’ve told myself that I’d be better off without you, hoping I’d be convinced. I’m not convinced yet. Not in the least. At this rate, I don’t know if I ever will be. I don’t know if I ever want to be. I think about you too much; more often than I should nowadays, given the current circumstances between you and me. I tell myself to stop. I can’t. I really, truly can’t. I’m definitely not as strong as I’d like other people to believe. I’m not. I see 12:06 every time I check the clock, and there’s no escaping memories of you. If there is any chance that you happen to stumble across this break-down blog of mine… please. Call me, text me, message me… do something so I know that you at least want to still be friends or… something. I don’t know. My sleep deprivation has begun taking its toll on me, but I really mean every word I’m typing. I realize now that I can’t be the tough girl. I’m not like that at all. I’m still just the sentimental romantic. I can’t be aggressive. I can only be honest. I feel lost without you. I’m far less happy without you. I’m no good without you.
+ + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + +
A warning sign
I missed the good part then I realized
That I started looking and the bubble burst
I started looking for excuses
Come on in, I’ve got to tell you what a state I’m in
I’ve got to tell you in my loudest tones
That I started looking for a warning sign
When the truth is
I miss you
Yeah the truth is
That I miss you so
A warning sign
You came back to haunt me and I realized
That you were an island and I passed you by
When you were an island to discover
Come on in, I’ve got to tell you what a state I’m in
I’ve got to tell you in my loudest tones
That I started looking for a warning sign
And the truth is
I miss you
Yeah the truth is
I miss you so
And I’m tired
I should not have let you go
So I crawl back into your open arms
Yes I crawl back into your open arms
And I crawl back into your open arms
Yes I crawl back into your open arms
THE RESOLUTION
Happy New Year! Hello 2009.
I liked ringing in the new year with James phone talk. It was nice, to say the least. LOL @ kisses.
I suppose it’s time for a list of some sort of resolutions. I don’t really have that many in mind, but I’ll do my best for the sake of the new year…
+ get driver’s license
+ get a job
+ don’t slack off (as much) in school
+ write more [particularly progress in Cheese, Chocolate, & Grapes]
+ work out/eat healthier
+ save money !!!
+ have someone to be with/kiss when the ball drops for 2010
Those are all realistic resolutions, right? Well, okay… that last one might be wishful thinking, but it’d be nice!
HOMECOMING & STUFF [2]
Saturday was good, to say the least. 
I had the house to myself all morning, which I loved. Geez, I can’t wait until I get my own place. God knows when that’ll be. (I really don’t want to forget about this… so here’s a side note: I was really giggly because I was looking at some new reblogs on Tumblr, and I heard my mom say to my dad “I have bread inside the car… do not esmush it.” LOL @ my mom’s Spanish accent peeking out at the end of that sentence. I really can’t explain why, but that just made me really giggly for the rest of the morning.)
I got ready for Mila’s 2nd birthday/costume party & had phone talk with James- the majority of the conversation included discussion about Mafia Wars/Myspace, like always, lol. I also spent a good 15 minutes looking for the damn wrapping (no, not rapping, lol James) paper for Mila’s gift. Turns out it was in the first place I looked.
Here’s another LOL, before I forget… I was about to get picked up by Kim (while still on the phone) and said bye to my mom as I was heading out the door; *puts phone down* ME: “Kim’s gonna give me a ride to the party, I wrote down the address by the computer. I’ll call you later.” MOM: “Okay… cover up!” [referring to my cleavage... {which wasn't really so cleavage-y at all, I swear}] *shuts door, returns attention to phone* JAMES: “Tell your mom I said thank-you.” ME: “For what? OH! For telling me to cover up cleavage?!” LOL. That was a good phone talk, he made me smile & giggle, like always<3
I only managed to stay at Victoria’s nana’s casa for a few hours. Had some jumps in the bounce house with Vico, Robby, Victoria, Kim, Mila & Brian. (LOL @ Robby’s sickass milkshake superhero costume, BTW. Very kickass.) I’m super excited for Halloween, even though I’m not going to Jack’s Mannequin anymore *tear* But, hay! Trick-or-treating is going to be really fun. I’ve been on a sweet craze lately, so the timing couldn’t be more perfect.
I headed home around 5ish to rush and get ready for homecoming. The directions given in the invitation 
were shit, but we found the place okay. Xander, Savannah, Erica & Gabriel were the first few (out of the people I actually knew) to arrive, then everyone else started showing up. I felt dizzy as soon as I got on the boat, and I knew that if I were to leave my 3 inch+ heels on, it’d be the death of me. It was a really nice boat- 4 levels: the bathroom on the lowest level, the dance floor on the second, the “galley” on the third, and the top was open space for seats and stuff.
The DJ pretty much sucked ass. There’s really no other way to describe that. Not many of the songs he played were as fun & dancy as I would have liked them to be. I requested ‘Hot In Herre’ (yes, the Nelly song) at the beginning of the dance and I don’t think he even gave playing that a second thought. It would have been a total LOL moment if he had played it… I mean, it would be completely appropriate since the dance floor was a sweat fest to begin with. I was also disappointed because he didn’t play ‘Swing’ or ‘It’s Tricky.’ LAME. LOL @ dancing with James during a mariachi song. That was the only real one-on-one dance I actually had that night, the rest was a bunch of nasty freaking with Tina, Ruben, Josalle, Yvonne, Jeffrey, Robin… and a bunch of other people I’m too lazy to recall. Damn. I really have no rhythm, it’s horrible, LOL. *Note to self: take dancing classes in preperation for my wedding… wouldn’t want to make a fool of myself with my lack of dancing skills.* Another lame thing was the fact the DJ didn’t play any slow songs… except for one at the end of the night when everyone was getting off the boat. Me & Jeff danced for like 15 seconds, hah!
Poor Tina was seasick during the dance. I had a headache all night, but hey… when do I NOT have a headache, right? I’m surprised I didn’t get all woozy like I usually do on boats, that was nice. I really enjoyed sitting out on the deck with the breeze of the cold ocean air. It wasn’t remotely close to Titanic at all, but I couldn’t help but think about that in the back of my mind. At one point when we were in the middle of what seemed to be nowhere, it was pitch black on the water and the fog 
was really rolling in… it was creepy since you couldn’t see anything. I began thinking about The Mist and went back inside, lol. We got back around 11ish, and it was foggy all over town, which I enjoyed immensely. James was mine & Jeffrey’s ride home. We were waiting around the harbor for about an hour-ish until James’ sister picked us up. I was hella tired and hella scrubby. The puppy dog curls were gone and my hair was almost completely straight. The bottom of my feet were black and dirtied from walking around barefoot all night long. As much as I suck at dancing, homecoming was really fun, and I’m glad I went
LOVER’S LIE
I hope I can keep this semi-brief.
I kept telling myself that the decision I had made was the best for me, when in reality, my insides were having a fit of kicking and screaming. I figured that if I continued to reassure myself that I would be okay, that I eventually would in time. The past 12 days have been confusing as ever, and really took a toll on my heart. I kept lying to myself, saying that I was stronger than I gave myself credit for, and that it would be easy to get over James. Bullshit. I can’t possibly get over someone I never lost a breath of interest in in the first place. It’s really discouraging when people you’re close to don’t have any faith in your relationship whatsoever. Not even the slightest hint of optimism. I’m sick and tired of people not having faith in my relationship. I’m not going to allow anyone to influence my feelings negatively anymore. I appreciate eveyone’s honest-to-God concern for me. I know everyone has my best interest at heart, and so do I; that’s the thing: my best interests for my heart revolve around James.
Call me weak all you want, because it does not matter. At the end of the day, I’m going to be the only one who’s living to satisfy my own happiness. That may sound selfish, but that’s the way I see it; and if I’m not going to be the only one who lives to satisfy my own happiness, then who the hell will?
Jumping to ridiculous conclusions and fear of history repeating due to my own insecurities. That’s all it was. If anything, this is only going to make us stronger. Neither of us are ready to call it quits. This is for the long-run, and this was just a small bump on the road. It’s past, and that’s that. I love you more than anything, James Carlson. I wouldn’t have it any other way.
“OH LORD” & ICE CREAM
I’ve been saying that a lot lately: “Oh Lord.” I don’t know why. My sister says that a lot… maybe I’m turning into a… mini-Ana. OH LORD.
Today wasn’t really as productive as yesterday. 2hour-ish phone talk/wake-up call with Jimbo, like every morning, which is nice. I love our “nerky” coversations. He makes me smile Anyways, Mobsters was the main topic, as well as Mafia Wars… which is now my new “addiction” on Myspace. OH LORD.
Drove mom to Vons and dropped off my application at Game Stop. I rrrrrrrrrreally hope I get the job… hopefully my prior retail experience will benefit me. Stopped by Cold Stone and got myself a waffle cone with chocolate ice cream, since my dream last night involved ice cream… and rednecks, NPH, cops (who ate ice cream), cars sinking into the freeway, a Buzz Lightyear-themed rocket/plane… seen driving on the freeway, and ripping off cow’s legs (IDK WTH that means). According to DreamMoods.com, to see or eat ice cream in your dream, denotes pleasure and satisfaction with your life. It is also an indicative of good luck and success in love. That works for me! It’s weird, I always dream about stuff the night before and the next day I see/hear/do something that pertains to whatever I dream about. The past few months I’ve noticed that happens, so if I dream about something (like ice cream, for instance) I “make it happen,” so to speak… if that makes sense.
I think when I finally manage to get my lazy ass off Myspace, I’m going to finish watching Dragon Heart, because I haven’t seen that movie in years, and I was watching it earlier this morning. The rest of the day will be spent wasting time, in other words. It’s too damn hot to do anything! Post-summer heat is just as bad as summer heat.
SNAKES ON A TERRACE!?
I don’t really remember yesterday morning all too well, other than the fact that it becan with a wake-up call, like usual, and that is always nice. I think I went back to sleep and woke up around noon, only to find that the house was mine because my parents went to the store.
Played video games until my parents got back, picked up my $50ish paycheck at work, then drove to Party City in hopes of getting a job application… they hire at 18, dammit. I’m borderline legal, c’mon now! I can totally handle the chaos of Halloween season at Party City. IF ONLY I WAS LEGAL. Hmm, maybe next year I’ll apply at Party City to get extra money around that time.
When I got home, I played video games until Josalle got to mi casa, with pizza! We watched Snakes on a Plane, LOLing at all the ridiculous acting and decision-making that went on in the movie. We still had a couple hours to kill before Lakeview Terrace started, so we brainstormed up a bunch of movies and actors to have for “successful black men movie nights.” You wouldn’t BELIEVE the long list we had, not to mention sub-lists of “successful Asian men movie nights” (Jackie Chan & Jet Li) and other miscellaneous actors, like John Travolta, Nicolas Cage, and John Cusack. We ALSO made up a list of music from “successful Latino men,” like Enrique Iglesias and Ricky Martin; and music from “successful black men,” like R. Kelly and Will Smith.
We finally left around 7, because Josalle’s dad wanted to meet up by Bank Of America to give her a coupon to something. He left me in complete smiles after meeting him! “Don’t get played. There are bad guys at the movies.” LOL. We both freaked the hell out when we saw that Eagle Eye was playing at the drive-in, and we almost watched that… it was really almost too close to call, but we stuck with the original plan of seeing Lakeview Terrace. Just as it was about to start, Josalle realized that we were parked at the wrong screen when Bangkok Dangerous started playing. She busted a Fast and the Furious and got us parked at the right screen, with the popcorn knocking over on the way there, lol. We were perfectly situated where I could see Bangkok Dangerous perfectly from the sideview mirror, and Eagle Eye perfectly from my left eye periphs.
The movie started out kind of slow, but things really began to pick up after about 45 minutes in, and OMG, Samuel L. Jackson is teh shit! There was a really good twist at the end, which seriously had my heart racing, lol! Lakeview Terrace was most definitely a good way to pop my drive-in movie virginity. Next week we plan on seeing Eagle Eye, a way to end fall break ‘91 on a really good note 
ROUND ONE
Okay, let’s give this a try… I haven’t really dedicated myself to a blog in almost 2 years.
Today was pretty good; had the usual wake-up call around 6AMish, then went back to sleep. Jiao, Kim & Ruben came over and we got hella hella competitive while playing Mario Kart. Made a quick trip to Northgate so we can stare at the gorgeous James Franco look-alike. After about an hour of pacing up and down the aisles, Jiao decided to buy us a full gallon of sherbet ice cream :9
Victoria came over a little after we got back to my house, we were in the middle of another Mario Kart game before taking another ice cream break. The delicious push-pop ice cream seriously reminded me of childhood, as Kim pointed out. It was really nice to cool off with during the whack post-summer heat we get every year, and this year is no different. We played more video games, then made a trip to Luzita’s so Ruben & Jiao could get something to eat. After Luzita’s we stopped by Factory2U, where they had those cute, slutty red heels I had my eyes on the last time I went there with 007. It was only $1.99! I didn’t buy them though…
Played more video games at home, everyone saw just how excited I get while playing Resident Evil 4, hahaha. Watched 2 episodes of Maury (paternity tests & out of control teens) and played a few more rounds of RE4: Mercenaries. Everyone left & I gave James a call -he was in the middle of something, so I took a quick shower and checked Myspace, only to find that I got pwned in Mobsters. Mobsters is terribly pointless, but really amusing. I don’t know why. Anyways, James called back after having some difficulty with my whack phone and we talked for about 30 minutes. Both of us are really anxious to see each other- hopefully he’ll be back home by February or March. We need to work on a list of things to do for when he comes home. So far, I’ve got: play mini golf, have “sleepovers,” and watch Teeth.
Brad, Jiao & Hitler called me to see if I wanted to go bowling, but there was no way my mom would have let me go… at 10 PM?! Come on now, haha. As much as I would have liked to, I know I wouldn’t have been able to. I haven’t been bowling since this past summer with my cousins… and I totally won that game… with bumper guards on the gutters. I wonder how well I’d do without those…
