Everything that’s been going on lately has been so surreal. I didn’t want to believe any of it, because it’s just one of those things one can’t help but think “It can’t happen to me.” I haven’t really told everyone yet -anyone, really, for that matter- and I don’t plan on doing so until I feel like I can. But… being able to confide in you, that was different. Thank you. Thank you so much for taking the time out of your day -to drop everything you were (or weren’t) doing- just for me. I think that is by far the most meaningful thing you’ve ever done for me, hands down. Being in your embrace was by far the most astounding comfort I’ve felt in a long time. Those few hours really did make me feel so much better, I don’t think you have any idea. You couldn’t have walked back into my life at a better moment -if that is in fact what you did. I don’t know. I didn’t mean to compromise your thinking process or your feelings, but the thing is, I don’t want to assume anything. I’m so sorry I hurt your feelings, but I know better to assume things from you, it’s just not a safe bet anymore. I don’t assume now, because assumptions are what have broken me down in the past. I didn’t mean what I wrote. Of course I noticed what you were doing, but I didn’t know what to think of it. I wanted you to mean everything, but there wasn’t a real way for me to know for sure. You can understand that, right? The reason why I keep my guard so high up now, the reason why I’m skeptical about putting myself completely out there, and the reason I don’t get too excited when I hear you say or do sweet things. I won’t know where you stand unless you tell me. I’m not going to lose my mind wondering, because I’ll just end up being disappointed if things don’t turn out the way I want them to. The truth of the matter is, I still want the same things I always did. That hasn’t changed. Regardless of the Clementine Kruczynski state of mind I’ve kept myself in, that was only to keep away my old pain and fears, and I’d be lying if I said it didn’t work. I really do have new-found strength, and it’s up to me as to how I decide to use it. The guard I have up has been reinforced, and there’s a part of me that wants you to work your way through it and be able to come out alive. If you don’t want to do that, then I completely understand, I wouldn’t be surprised if you’re tired of the idea of me, it’s okay – no hard feelings. I hope you know, however, that I felt sprung on the new plans you and I made. Same as always, I want more than anything to go through with all our old and new plans – if you want to, too. I remember thinking back a couple weeks ago about how much I wanted to cross some things off the old to-do lists. I want to go to Disneyland with you, I want to watch all those movies with you, I want to meet your family, I want to sit with you and watch the sunrise/sunset, and I want to have all those other numerous adventures with you. Honestly, it almost seems like you’ve come back to me. Please, don’t go. Please stay. If there was ever a time when I needed you the most, it’s most definitely now. Another reason I felt so bad about hurting your feelings was that I was scared you’d pull a Joel Barish on me. The fear of losing one of the only outlets of bona fide comfort I have during these times caused my staggering stress and worries to nearly topple over. I don’t want to fuck up anything with you. I’ve missed you, one of my best friends, and everything I’ve been going through is reminding me just how much I don’t want to lose you again. The thought of you not being here makes me feel sad and uneasy. Whatever this is, I don’t want this to be another fluke. I don’t want another bittersweet taste. I’m not going to get bent out of shape hoping for too much and getting nothing- I don’t plan on old feelings getting the best of me, because I’ve grown out of that. Whatever happens, happens. I’ll go with the flow. No more set-ups for disappointment, because I know better now. I refuse to allow myself appear pathetic. I’m stronger now, and I have to focus on just being happy with myself and everything around me. There’s no sure-fire way you’ll ever end up reading this, and it’s kind of irrelevant, but if there’s anything I feel you should know, it’s that you pretty much never fail to inspire me, and if I can’t get what I hope for out of you, I always have that lovely constellation. I think over all this time, I’ve managed to refine my expectations, and learn how to ensure they don’t interfere with my better judgment. And I hope you’ll know that you’ve managed to make me feel so much happier than I thought I possibly could be lately. Please… stay.
MOOD: FABULOUS
Today was slightly more eventful than yesterday, hence the blog I’m beginning to write…
I got to 1st period a few seconds late, like always. The Jurassic Park substitute was there, and we just watched Super Size Me all period long. Is it bad that no matter how many times I’ve seen that documentary, there is initially never any circumstance in which I’m ever seriously disgusted by McDonald’s food? If anything, watching that documentary almost always makes me hungry… especially since it was the morning, and I didn’t eat breakfast.
In AP Lit, Mrs. Steinberg surprised me by reading my essay aloud to the class… I got a 40/40 (that’s a 7 on the rubric sheet)… I actually got an A. I got an A on an essay that took me 3 hours 
to write the day before it was due. Such procrastination hasn’t paid off in so long, and that made 
me feel really happy & confident about my writing. The thesaurus is a God-send, I’m telling you! I could have sworn she was going to use mine as a poor example of what we were NOT supposed to do or something… I wasn’t paying attention at all when she was discussing our grades… I was busy drawing an octopus in my notebook and adding to the list of things I consider to be “annoying as FCUK” (which I started writing in 1st period.) I really do love AP Lit, though. Mrs. Steinberg is hilarious! (Intentionally and unintentionally, mind you.) She says the best that’s what she said lines. Example: during a class discussion of The Stranger. LOL.
Yeah, I’ve been drawing a lot lately… mostly due to boredom in classes. The other day I was zoning out on a lecture about existentialism because I was (attempting) to draw Audrey Hepburn based on the small thumbnail picture reference I had of her on my cell phone. (Oh, and The Rocket Summer lyrics to All I Have was stuck in my head.) I like that I’m putting the boredom I feel in class to good use. I’ve also been writing a bit here and there. I miss that. I don’t know whether to pick up on The Hot Dog-Cab Incident story (I really need to think up a catchier name for that…) or my work-in-progress novel, Cheese Chocolate & Grapes. I owe Tumblr a lot of credit to all the inspiration I’ve had lately. My mind is reeling.
Oh yeah, something random and completely off topic: I’ve been wanting to watch Fight Club, Knocked Up, and Rushmore for the longest time. When I go back to work (hopefully sooner than later) I plan on buying all three of those movies at the same time… if I can find them all in one place… maybe on Amazon…
#1
You, you are wonderful. After all these years you still make me smile. And damn, you’re still charming as ever. I can’t believe it’s already been 5 years. Every time I talk to you, or even look at you, I remember every feeling I ever had for you, and I realize why I felt the way I did about you. There’s still that sparkle in your eye, but unfortunately, I still see the pain. I’m sorry for that. I wish I knew what was hurting you so badly all these years, or even the recent happenings. I have and most likely always will have the determination to pull the thorn from your heart, so you can progressively heal. You deserve so much better than I ever was, and even more than she ever was. I hope you find what you’re looking for. More importantly, whom you’re looking for. You changed something in me so long ago. I owe you everything; the heart-wrenching realities I had to face -because they made me so much stronger-, the ability to notice sparkles, and above all… the inspiration. Where the hell would I be if I had not met you and had never felt such things for you? You’re amazing. Now, when I look at you, I know I’ve overcome so much, because there are no more backflips my tiresome heart would perform every time I’d think of you; every time I’d see you; hell, every time I’d hear your name. All that’s gone, but the memory of my feelings remain, and that’s what matters. I remember everything, and I will never forget. You’re unforgettable, and you taught me so much… even though you’ll probably never realize it. You’re a great friend, and I love you for that. My writing would not be the same without you. You were my first muse. You’ll always be my #1, no matter what. I’m tripping over my words and talking in circles, but… everything makes sense to me. I just wanted to take this time to look back and be thankful for… well, you. We’ll go our separate ways, but you’ve left with me something I will never part with, and that’s inspiration. Here’s to these past 5 years. Hard to believe it’s been that long, but in the end, it really was worth it all. I am the way I am today partially because of you. How can I ever regret anything that changed me so positively? Thank you, “Wally.”
As Aslyn so eloquently sang: I never stopped falling in love with you.
In a sense, I never did, but in other ways, I did — so to speak. It’s complicated to explain, and the only person it will ever make sense to will be me.
UPSIDE DAY
This morning I sort of felt like shit, partially because of the phone talk I had last night, and because I was jut flat-out sleep deprived… because that’s how it’s been lately. Sorry if I was such a downer. Everyone has their off days, right? I brightened up for some weird reason towards the end of second period, and felt better – more or less. [There really is no damn point in being upset over something I can't change, as much as I'd like it to. Like the song goes: While truckin' down the road of life, although all hope seems gone, I just move on. When I can't find a single star to hang my wish upon, I just move on, I move on. I got all the closure and clarity in the world, and that's all that matters, really. I think my (very) newly found glee has left me feeling more ready to be forgiving and civil about it all. Call it a random epiphany, if you will. And... new inspiration, can't forget that.]
Anyways, I was seriously trailing off topic… but like I was saying, today really seemed to lift my spirits, for a number of reasons. I actually got into the musical at school. (Oh yeah, I actually did try out, by the way. I sang That Thing You Do! for my audition song.) I can’t believe I’m at least a little good enought to get in. I must say, I’m proud of myself. High School Musical, here we go! Had lots and lots of LOLs with Victoria and Kim after school. “Will you eat my insides, Catherine?” LOL @ burned potstickers. Mad Libs is about a million times more amusing when you’ve got perverted word choices, in MY opinion. *WINK WINK*
About an hour ago, my mom tells me my sister, Ana’s genius plan of having me & a friend (I pick Kim right off the bat, because it’s just a given) meet up with her and my brother-in-law, Don, and niece, Colleen, and nephew, Sean at Disneyland for TWO DAYS while she and him attend to work-related matters. HELL YEAH. Now, I’m listening to Disney music, getting myself really pumped up. Nothing else gives me such a wonderful feeling the way Disneyland does… that’s just how it is with me. Disneyland is my sweet escape, and it really could not have come at a better time.
The last two-ish months of the year are always my favorite, and this year is no exception. I’ve always got so much to look forward to around this time of the year, and I love that. Twilight at midnight with Victoria and a whole bunch of other people on Thursday, Thanksgiving weekend is next weekend, and the weekend after THAT will be Disneyland, and the weekend after Disneyland will be the first week of winter break! You should all know by now know all the things in store for winter break: 18th birthday (which has a bunch of cool sub-plans/events on its own), I’m going back to the Disney Store (or so I’m told) after I turn 18, and then there’s Christmas… AND New Year’s! Whooooooooo. This is a wonderful time for things to be looking up for me. I’m glad. Lord knows I needed it, and for that I’m very thankful 
P.S. Better than Jacob Black.
LOPEZ x4
Friday, November 7- I got an extra hour to myself in the morning, since I was technically excused from first period, because the bus wasn’t scheduled to pick us up until the beginning of nutrition break. Went to Fashion Valley for P.R. and photo class. Walking all around the mall left my feet screamingly sore, with a few blisters here and there. OUCH. We met up with the P.R. lady for about 15 minutes before we got the next few hours to ourselves. Ate at Panda Express with Fernando, Ximena, Vico, and Katrina. I bought the cutest Catwoman shirt at H & M… the remaining balance on my ATM is about $19. YIKES.
I kind of, sort of ditched fourth period when we got back to school, which is something I never do, so give me a break! Stopped by at a couple Game Stop stores to see if they even touched my applications. Apparently, they’re not busy enough to be hiring. Greeeeeeeeat. I’m going to be unemployed for the fuckin’ holidays. I can only dream that I’ll get a call in the next week or so saying that one of those locations want me. I NEED A JOB.
A little while later, I went to Victoria’s house, where I gave her some tips on Mafia Wars and we discussed our increasing obsession with Twilight *WINK WINK* We also both decided to try out for the school musical… High School Musical, to be exact. I don’t really have a huge desire to actually be in it… because it’s just High School Musical, but… it would be cool if I actually got a part in it or something, then I’d have to be in it, but I’m not going to get all butt-hurt if I don’t make it. My singing voice isn’t exactly wonderful. (I’m still deciding on whether or not to sing “The Mixed Tape” by Jack’s Mannequin or “That Thing You Do!” by The Wonders… I have until Wednesday/Thursday to make my decision!) A little later into the night, we watched Diary of the Dead, because we couldn’t get around to it on Halloween. It left me paranoid, like all zombie movies, and I was glad my mom insisted on driving half a quarter mile down the road to pick me up, because walking home would have been a nightmare, lol.
Saturday, November 8- I had to wake up around 6, 7AMish for this lame college prep workshop/Filipino pride event down at Sweetwater High School. I walked into their gym, and the first thing I saw emblazoned on the wall was a huge mural of Satan. WTFFFFFFFFFFFFFF. I had no idea their mascot was the Red Devils! Opening speeches/remarks were about 2 hours, and I noticed they did not stick to the time schedule and the first workshop rotation had to be cancelled. The second one I had to go to was about applying for financial aid, which was nothing I hadn’t heard before. The third rotation was some workshop regarding stereotypes and the importance of accepting all races, genders, etc. Tyler and Sam were there for that one, so it wasn’t as painful as it could have been. During an activity, I was randomly labeled as a “poor person,” LOL. Tyler was a “promiscuous male” and Sam was an “ASB member.” After all the workshops were done, I stayed a little longer for free food (abobo, pansit, and rice–nothing special) and I got two free shirts. I wasted a good 5 hours of my life at that damn pointless workshop.
A little later, I called Victoria to come over and help me kill time. After swooning over the newest issue of Entertainment Weekly (which had Edward and Bella on the cover… OH BABY) and kicking ass in more Mafia Wars, AND looking at the over-priced Twilight shirts and hoodies on the Hot Topic website (and then hatching the plan of making our own Twilight shirts), we went to Old Navy with her mom and sister. After getting back to her casa from Old Navy, we got picked up by Manny and chilled at his house for a while with Jo, and his college buddies- Janis and Angel. Michelle Bush stopped by with brownies.. YUM. Victoria and I obsessed over Twilight even more with Janis and Angel, which was really cool… and kind of nerdy, but oh well!
Sunday, November 9- Went to church, as usual. I felt really bad, because the sermon ended before I even
started listening… I just zoned out for some weird reason. Kim came over after church, and then Victoria. We went to go pick up Tina, and watched Diary of the Dead at mi casa. Halfway through the movie, my mom took us to Michael’s, so Victoria and I could get fabric paint for our Twilight shirts. We also got really cute iron-ons for the back design of the shirt. We had to swing by Old Navy so I could get my matching black wife beater. OH YEAH! The weather that day was really nice: cold, windy and rainy. I love fall/winter weather, and I can’t wait for it to get even colder and grayer. Back at my house we ate sweet and sour pork, then finished Diary. After that, we ended up watching Planet Terror. BRUCE WILLIS IS A BABE ;D
Monday, November 10- Spent most of the morning in Eastlake with my mom, because she wanted to check out this new Goodwill book store around there. It was a small store, but really well organized. I bought the entire Chronicles of Narnia collection for $5! I was hoping I’d see Eclipse somewhere amongst the old, used books… but that was wishful thinking. We hung out at the cutest Borders book store I’ve ever seen. And I had no idea there was even one in Eastlake-! I was looking through Eclipse, when this chick on crutches asked if I’ve read any of the Twilight books, and we ended up having a nice little chat about the series before she had to leave. I found one of my favorite genre sections (Reference books) and holed up there for the rest of the visit. I skimmed through a writing reference book about writing/publishing your first novel, which gave me more inspiration and motivation to get back into the habit of writing at least once a day, everyday again. I wish I could have bought it, but it was $16… and I had $0. On the way home, my mom and I picked up some food from Johnny Carino’s, which kept my mouth watering all the way home.
[Random quote from my mom while driving: "This driver in the red car must have itchy balls."]
I indulged in some delicious pasta and chicken when we got home, and shortly after, I was in a damn food coma. When I woke up, I had some phone talk, then went to Victoria’s casa to make our Twilight shirts. The first part of the shirts are a total SUCCESS. Picture this: black wifebeater, and silver text that says “Stupid lamb.” It might sound lame to you, but those shirts are our little masterpieces. You have NO IDEA what it took us to make those. We still have to put the iron-ons, but that’ll come later on this week, perhaps. We even decided to do our makeup and everything for the midnight show. OH YEAH. We’re going to the midnight show, since next Friday is a late start day at school. HOLLAAAAAAAAAAAA!
And if you haven’t noticed, I spent 4 out of my 5 day weekend with Victoria, hence the title of this blog, LOL.
WRITER’S… ROAD BLOCK –? !
Dear self,
hello, hope you’re doing well… with the exception of senioritis, unemployment, and being overcome by the deadly sin of sloth. I was just curious about something, and the best way for me to come about that is by asking… WHAT THE FUCK?! Why the hell haven’t you been writing lately? Remember One In Twenty and All You Wanted? Both of those scripts were completed years ago, and they still require your attention… given the changes you’ve been considering making for the sake of the characters and plots. And what the hell happened to that novel?! Cheese, Chocolate, and Grapes still has so much promise, don’t forget about it! You started that back in 8th grade, and now you’re in 12th. I think it’s safe to say you’ve made progress on it, however said progress is minimal. Get your lazy ass off Myspace and Mafia Wars and get back to writing! Whatever happened to that girl who carried around a notebook wherever she went? That girl who would write herself to sleep? That girl who would even write while soaking in the bathtub? WE WANT THAT GIRL BACK! Lord knows you’ve had enough inspiration to work with, so use it! Don’t waste such valuable writing resources. Don’t forget: everyday you don’t write something clever is one more day you’ve foolishly wasted; and one less word, sentence, paragraph, or page lost.
So what if Zack Braff stole your ending to Candy Hearts when Garden State was released? As brilliant as that ending was, work around it and come up with something better. And whatever happened to that “short ” story you started working on two years ago? Yeah, you know what I’m talking about: The Hot Dog/Cab Incident. That has a lot of promise too. ADD TO IT, DAMMIT. Don’t solely rely on blog sites in which to write all your material. Go back to old habits, and carry around a huge notebook and inky pens. Find yourself writing one-liners and short synopsises.
Look at yourself. You’ve gone so crazy, you’re writing a letter to yourself in hopes of striking that writing bug you’ve seem to lost over the years.
Good luck.
Love, Catherine
