Everything that’s been going on lately has been so surreal. I didn’t want to believe any of it, because it’s just one of those things one can’t help but think “It can’t happen to me.” I haven’t really told everyone yet -anyone, really, for that matter- and I don’t plan on doing so until I feel like I can. But… being able to confide in you, that was different. Thank you. Thank you so much for taking the time out of your day -to drop everything you were (or weren’t) doing- just for me. I think that is by far the most meaningful thing you’ve ever done for me, hands down. Being in your embrace was by far the most astounding comfort I’ve felt in a long time. Those few hours really did make me feel so much better, I don’t think you have any idea. You couldn’t have walked back into my life at a better moment -if that is in fact what you did. I don’t know. I didn’t mean to compromise your thinking process or your feelings, but the thing is, I don’t want to assume anything. I’m so sorry I hurt your feelings, but I know better to assume things from you, it’s just not a safe bet anymore. I don’t assume now, because assumptions are what have broken me down in the past. I didn’t mean what I wrote. Of course I noticed what you were doing, but I didn’t know what to think of it. I wanted you to mean everything, but there wasn’t a real way for me to know for sure. You can understand that, right? The reason why I keep my guard so high up now, the reason why I’m skeptical about putting myself completely out there, and the reason I don’t get too excited when I hear you say or do sweet things. I won’t know where you stand unless you tell me. I’m not going to lose my mind wondering, because I’ll just end up being disappointed if things don’t turn out the way I want them to. The truth of the matter is, I still want the same things I always did. That hasn’t changed. Regardless of the Clementine Kruczynski state of mind I’ve kept myself in, that was only to keep away my old pain and fears, and I’d be lying if I said it didn’t work. I really do have new-found strength, and it’s up to me as to how I decide to use it. The guard I have up has been reinforced, and there’s a part of me that wants you to work your way through it and be able to come out alive. If you don’t want to do that, then I completely understand, I wouldn’t be surprised if you’re tired of the idea of me, it’s okay – no hard feelings. I hope you know, however, that I felt sprung on the new plans you and I made. Same as always, I want more than anything to go through with all our old and new plans – if you want to, too. I remember thinking back a couple weeks ago about how much I wanted to cross some things off the old to-do lists. I want to go to Disneyland with you, I want to watch all those movies with you, I want to meet your family, I want to sit with you and watch the sunrise/sunset, and I want to have all those other numerous adventures with you. Honestly, it almost seems like you’ve come back to me. Please, don’t go. Please stay. If there was ever a time when I needed you the most, it’s most definitely now. Another reason I felt so bad about hurting your feelings was that I was scared you’d pull a Joel Barish on me. The fear of losing one of the only outlets of bona fide comfort I have during these times caused my staggering stress and worries to nearly topple over. I don’t want to fuck up anything with you. I’ve missed you, one of my best friends, and everything I’ve been going through is reminding me just how much I don’t want to lose you again. The thought of you not being here makes me feel sad and uneasy. Whatever this is, I don’t want this to be another fluke. I don’t want another bittersweet taste. I’m not going to get bent out of shape hoping for too much and getting nothing- I don’t plan on old feelings getting the best of me, because I’ve grown out of that. Whatever happens, happens. I’ll go with the flow. No more set-ups for disappointment, because I know better now. I refuse to allow myself appear pathetic. I’m stronger now, and I have to focus on just being happy with myself and everything around me. There’s no sure-fire way you’ll ever end up reading this, and it’s kind of irrelevant, but if there’s anything I feel you should know, it’s that you pretty much never fail to inspire me, and if I can’t get what I hope for out of you, I always have that lovely constellation. I think over all this time, I’ve managed to refine my expectations, and learn how to ensure they don’t interfere with my better judgment. And I hope you’ll know that you’ve managed to make me feel so much happier than I thought I possibly could be lately. Please… stay.
WARNING SIGN
I’m not going to lie. I’m still going through that “regression.” I’m beginning to feel weaker and weaker. I don’t know what to do. My heart is practically pounding out of my throat. Something is stopping me from reaching from the phone and looking up an all-too-familiar name under my contacts, and dialing the number. I want to so badly. I don’t know if I can, though. I feel like you’re mad at me… or you hate me. Honestly, I’m scared of you right now. I’m scared you’re going to shrug me off, and that’s the LAST thing I want. Someone please wake me up and just tell me it’s a horrible dream… tell me everything is as it always was and that everything is okay. Tell me we still talk just about every other night about everything and nothing. Tell me 6 minutes after midnight still means something to you. Tell me you still mean what you wrote in that card… if not all of it… at least some of it. Please tell me that I still mean something important to you.
This is my blog and I can put whatever I want on this… without feeling like I’m too much of a fool. No one really reads this anyways. I’m just going to go all out. Hell, I’ll even put your name under the tags.
I miss you. I miss you so much and I don’t want to believe that things will never be the same again. You were my best friend for so long last year. I don’t want to throw any of that away. I DON’T want to be like Clementine. I can’t not have you in my life. I need you to be a part of it. I’ve told myself that I’d be better off without you, hoping I’d be convinced. I’m not convinced yet. Not in the least. At this rate, I don’t know if I ever will be. I don’t know if I ever want to be. I think about you too much; more often than I should nowadays, given the current circumstances between you and me. I tell myself to stop. I can’t. I really, truly can’t. I’m definitely not as strong as I’d like other people to believe. I’m not. I see 12:06 every time I check the clock, and there’s no escaping memories of you. If there is any chance that you happen to stumble across this break-down blog of mine… please. Call me, text me, message me… do something so I know that you at least want to still be friends or… something. I don’t know. My sleep deprivation has begun taking its toll on me, but I really mean every word I’m typing. I realize now that I can’t be the tough girl. I’m not like that at all. I’m still just the sentimental romantic. I can’t be aggressive. I can only be honest. I feel lost without you. I’m far less happy without you. I’m no good without you.
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A warning sign
I missed the good part then I realized
That I started looking and the bubble burst
I started looking for excuses
Come on in, I’ve got to tell you what a state I’m in
I’ve got to tell you in my loudest tones
That I started looking for a warning sign
When the truth is
I miss you
Yeah the truth is
That I miss you so
A warning sign
You came back to haunt me and I realized
That you were an island and I passed you by
When you were an island to discover
Come on in, I’ve got to tell you what a state I’m in
I’ve got to tell you in my loudest tones
That I started looking for a warning sign
And the truth is
I miss you
Yeah the truth is
I miss you so
And I’m tired
I should not have let you go
So I crawl back into your open arms
Yes I crawl back into your open arms
And I crawl back into your open arms
Yes I crawl back into your open arms
FRIENDLY ENEMY?
NOTE: I want to warn my readers that in this blog, I’ll be tripping over my words… a lot, and I may not make sense most of the time. This is mainly just for my own venting/pondering purposes. Feel free to ask me what’s really up, but I can’t promise you that I can explain myself (for the sake of not opening a can of worms).
I don’t feel like I can trust a certain person the way I used to. Wait. Let me rephrase that… I don’t feel like I can look at a certain person the way I used to. I don’t know this person well enough to honestly trust them to being with, but I assumed that this was someone worthy of my unconditional trust (once I got to really know them better, anyways). When I first met this person, they seemed really sweet and genuine. Over the past year-or-so, however, certain events that have occurred and stories I have overheard are leading me to turn my back on the idea of seriously letting this person into my life at full speed. I want to bring things to a halt, because based on what I have learned, this person’s state of mind isn’t exactly… stable. I don’t think stable is the right word. Homewrecker would be a more proper definition. I didn’t want to believe that this sweet person would attempt such a horrible deed, but they have… more than once. Unsuccessful, at that, but nonetheless… the name homewrecker stands. This person is most definitely confused about a number of things, and I feel the way they handle situations are not the best resolutions to their problems. Suspicions have begun growing, and I know it’s best if I don’t open myself to this person. At all. I’ve seen the outcome of their betrayal first hand, and although I was not personally affected by any of it, I’ve been struck with caution ever since. Better safe than sorry. I’m not letting this person in. I’ll be civil. I just won’t be inviting.
ALONE WE STAND, TOGETHER WE FALL APART
“You see, you can never muster the strength, to fight for me.” –Bridget Jones
This didn’t turn out the way I planned. Not at all. But there’s nothing I can do about it, really. There’s no use in fighting for what just was never supposed to work out. I can’t regret anything, because I learned so much about myself these past 5 months, so why would I dream of regretting knowledge? I don’t want to play the victim, because I’m assuming I’m not the only one who is hurting. What’s done is done, and all I can do is grow from it. It’s unfair to me if I allow myself to become consumed with negativity and second-guesses of possible regret, because I’ve never needed such strength to stand on my own two feet before, the way I do now. I can’t afford to shoot down my original thoughts, I just can’t. It’s not like I’m invincible, a huge part of me is still hurting. It’ll take time for me to heal completely, but I can guarantee you that I definitely will, and I’ll come out of it stronger than ever. I’m already feeling and noticing changes in myself that would not have resulted if I had chosen to remain on stand-by. I’m not going to allow myself to be taken for granted, because that’s what I felt I was being treated. Honestly, for the first time in my life, I spoke my mind for real and I didn’t feel like a push-over… and that’s a big deal to me. I love you, but I’m letting go. That’s what was going through my mind. I’ll respect my past and embrace everything in store for me in the future. I’m not going to dwell and reminisce for too long, because ultimately, all that will do is make me feel like shit, and that is the last thing I want. I had my good cry, and with a heavy heart I’m learning to slowly let go. My heart is open, but not quite all the way… yet. If only it were that easy to have a miraculous recovery after a heartbreak, but that is just wishful thinking. My good friends (they know who they are) have really been there for me and the most sincere concern makes up for this heartfuck. Thank you, good friends. Thank you, my own heart, for reminding me that I have yet to find my lobster. It’s going to be difficult to get past, but everything will get better in time. Who knows where I’ll be another 5 months for now. I’m staying optimistic and I’m telling myself that in 5 months I’ll be happier and my fear… my damn fear of not being good enough and my fear of being dropped when at my highest will dissolve.
Hello, my name is Catherine, and I’m the strongest girl I know.
FREEDOM OF RELIGION
I’m a Catholic, and I go to church just about every Sunday. My mom gets upset if I ever miss church and will go to any lengths to make sure I never do, like going on Saturday or extra early on Sunday, for instance. When I was younger, I wasn’t exactly fond of going to church, but I didn’t really dread it, either. I really enjoyed the sermons our priest delivered and the music our music director and choir performed. Over the years, however, priests moved to different parishes, and our music director moved to New York. Their replacements weren’t exactly great compensations to our losses. The changes that were being made to my church sort of discouraged me, simply because I began to loose interest. The new priests were not engaging, and the new music was… to put it lightly… horrible. Our former music director was seriously top-notch, I mean… he was amazing, and for the church to hire such a downgrade was completely disappointing.
I can remember a time when I really didn’t mind practicing and following my religion. I used to pray every night and everything. I realized that I haven’t been doing that as frequently anymore. It’s not like I want to live my life without following Catholic beliefs, but I’ve also realized that something that has been pushing me away from it is the one person who has been trying relentlessly to get me to follow it, that person being my mom. Whenever I pass by her in the living room and she’s watching TV, it’s usually on this Christian/Catholic religion channel, and she never fails to say “You should watch this once in a while instead of that garbage you usually watch” (Or something to that effect.) I can’t help but roll my eyes every time. And I hate it how almost every non-religion topic of conversation I have with her turns into exactly the opposite. I can bring up something like school or relationships, or my career goals, and she somehow takes advantage of the conversation and ends it with a long speech about how it’s important for me to pray and go to church and yadda yadda yadda. Not to mention the fact that she makes me feel guilty as hell every time I do or say something that either she or the Catholic faith (or both) would not approve of. I know she’s just trying to steer me the right way, but she should know by now that I’m not a fuck up, and I’m not going to put a bad name on the family; I am old enough and fully capable of making my own decisions however I see fit.
Of course I want to be a good person, but I don’t think that should be based on whether or not I practice my religion or not. Following your religion does not make you a good person; your judgement and the choices you make is what determines whether or not you are a good person. Honestly, I would like to have the strength to follow my religion -on my own terms. I don’t want to be forced to go to church or feel guilty if I don’t live up to the religious expectations my parents may have of me. Everything becomes tainted if I go into something I’m not capable of dedicating my heart to. I hate having to go to church every Sunday and just sit there while the priest puts everything he’s got into something that goes in one ear and out the other. I want to be able to learn from whatever he’s got to say and have it stick in my head. I’m tired of being forced to believe something I was slowly losing faith in. I’ve tried explaining this to my mom, but she didn’t really take me seriously, and continued to push it. The way I see it, is that I need to start over fresh with my religion, the problem is that I know my mom won’t let me handle this the way I’d like to. I’m not too keen with the old-fashioned way of doing things; in my experiences, I’ve noticed that the “motivational speaking method” seems to stick more, simply because the speakers have more enthusiasm in their voices, compared to the elder priests who speak softly and slowly. I think if I found a more contemporary Catholic parish to join, I’d have an easier time understanding myself as well as my own religion. I want to be able to “save” myself, because I want the same unconditional faith and dedication that so many other people have to the Catholic faith because when you reach a feeling of fulfillment with anything (not necessarily just faith/religion), it makes you feel good. I’m all for self-improvement in my life, and I can honestly say that I believe the pursuit/achievement of new-found faith will be a factor for me. It’s important for me to maintain the things in my life that make me feel good and happy, whether it be strong friendships, inspired writing, or simply a positive state of mind. I want that same effect for my religion.
Religion can’t be taken lightly, and you certainly can not force someone to believe in something they aren’t willing to follow, that’s just not how it works, and I understand that better now. My mom would always be upset that my brother-in-law was not religious, and she kept wishing and hoping for him to at least meet her half-way so my niece and nephew would at least be baptized, but even that took a good 5 or 6 years to get through. People have to be willing to see what another person sees -sometimes it’s easy, sometimes it’s not. Sometimes it takes time, and sometimes it’s just plain hopeless. No matter what, everyone needs to respect others’ opinions, because if not, you’ll always be stuck on that same track you’ve been leading your whole life. Open minds and open hearts are key in this crazy, crazy world. I hope I made at least a little sense… if not, oh well, at least it made sense to me.
BOTTOM LINE: I want enough strength to save myself from losing faith in my religion completely, because it is important to me, it just needs to be handled in a way that I can progress from and build off of.
