WARNING SIGN

I’m not going to lie. I’m still going through that “regression.” I’m beginning to feel weaker and weaker. I don’t know what to do. My heart is practically pounding out of my throat. Something is stopping me from reaching from the phone and looking up an all-too-familiar name under my contacts, and dialing the number. I want to so badly. I don’t know if I can, though. I feel like you’re mad at me… or you hate me. Honestly, I’m scared of you right now. I’m scared you’re going to shrug me off, and that’s the LAST thing I want. Someone please wake me up and just tell me it’s a horrible dream… tell me everything is as it always was and that everything is okay. Tell me we still talk just about every other night about everything and nothing. Tell me 6 minutes after midnight still means something to you. Tell me you still mean what you wrote in that card… if not all of it… at least some of it. Please tell me that I still mean something important to you.

This is my blog and I can put whatever I want on this… without feeling like I’m too much of a fool. No one really reads this anyways. I’m just going to go all out. Hell, I’ll even put your name under the tags.

I miss you. I miss you so much and I don’t want to believe that things will never be the same again. You were my best friend for so long last year. I don’t want to throw any of that away. I DON’T want to be like Clementine. I can’t not have you in my life. I need you to be a part of it. I’ve told myself that I’d be better off without you, hoping I’d be convinced. I’m not convinced yet. Not in the least. At this rate, I don’t know if I ever will be. I don’t know if I ever want to be. I think about you too much; more often than I should nowadays, given the current circumstances between you and me. I tell myself to stop. I can’t. I really, truly can’t. I’m definitely not as strong as I’d like other people to believe. I’m not. I see 12:06 every time I check the clock, and there’s no escaping memories of you. If there is any chance that you happen to stumble across this break-down blog of mine… please. Call me, text me, message me… do something so I know that you at least want to still be friends or… something. I don’t know. My sleep deprivation has begun taking its toll on me, but I really mean every word I’m typing. I realize now that I can’t be the tough girl. I’m not like that at all. I’m still just the sentimental romantic. I can’t be aggressive. I can only be honest. I feel lost without you. I’m far less happy without you. I’m no good without you.

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A warning sign
I missed the good part then I realized
That I started looking and the bubble burst
I started looking for excuses
Come on in, I’ve got to tell you what a state I’m in
I’ve got to tell you in my loudest tones
That I started looking for a warning sign

When the truth is
I miss you
Yeah the truth is
That I miss you so

A warning sign
You came back to haunt me and I realized
That you were an island and I passed you by
When you were an island to discover
Come on in, I’ve got to tell you what a state I’m in
I’ve got to tell you in my loudest tones
That I started looking for a warning sign

And the truth is
I miss you
Yeah the truth is
I miss you so
And I’m tired
I should not have let you go

So I crawl back into your open arms
Yes I crawl back into your open arms
And I crawl back into your open arms
Yes I crawl back into your open arms

DECODE

How can I decide what’s right when you’re clouding up my mind?

I think it’s dangerously honest to say that I’ve been in denial. Picking at the scabs out of reflex, and partially because I just want to. Others have stepped out of the blackout, but here I am, just as I’ve always been. I need to be set free, because there’s no point wandering around here anymore. I need to do this all on my own, however way I find fit. The last thing I want to be is misleading. I’ve been relying on everyone else for support, and I forgot about leaning on my own shoulder. I know damn well what I want, but I sure as hell cannot have it, because it’s just not going to work that way. I just want to be brainwashed so I’m rid of everything that has infiltrated and poisoned my thoughts. Nobody said it was easy, right? I feel lost. My heart is idle. I can only talk in circles for so long until I’m almost positive that I’ve gone insane… and I feel as if I’m getting farther and farther away from that. (Sanity, I mean.) Over-analyzing and over-thinking never go hand-in-hand, so… fuck my life. I think I’ve already begun to make a mess of things, but… it’s my mess to make, and my consequences to deal with if any should arise. And I have a feeling some very well may. I’m going to need all the time in the world, regardless of whether or not I keep telling myself I’m fine. I’m not. I look at myself in the mirror and think: “What a damn fool.” I’d give just about anything to see something else and think differently. I need a clear mind and a fresh slate. It’s the only way to work my way towards seriously healing. I’ve got to continue looking forward to happier things and everything the rest of the year has in store for me. Please, God. Let me move on with as much grace and dignity I can muster.

I want a fresh start. A fresh start beginning with me being civil and holding my guard up a hundred feet high all around me. It’s for my own good. Civil and forgiving. That’s key. I haven’t quite worked out the rest. I suppose I should be welcoming, but not as much as I used to. Just enough, but not more than needed… I suppose. Keep my guard up. GOLDEN RULE #1.

PUSHOVER

I feel like a doormat. There doesn’t really seem to be any other way to elaborate, because it’s plain and simple. I tend to allow people to walk all over me. I’m too much of a damn coward to stand up for myself, and I know I need to. Don’t get me wrong, I speak my mind… sometimes. The thing of it is, I’m usually always really careful about not offending anyone or hurting someone’s feelings, and that’s why it’s sometimes difficult for me to be brutally honest. Sometimes I feel I’m too considerate. I was thinking about it… and I realized just now that if I can’t speak up for myself at all times, people may very well underestimate me, which has a big chance of leading to people taking me for granted, and there’s no way in hell I will allow that to happen, if I can help it. Words seriously cannot explain the excruciating pain I feel if I’m being taken for granted, or even if I think for one second that I may be taken for granted. I think it’s the one thing I hate the most in this world. Being taken for granted really makes me die inside.

“Never allow someone to be your priority, while allowing yourself to be their option.”

Those are words I plan to get inked into my skin, because no other quote can speak for itself quite the way this one does. I wish everyone was capable of understanding my way of thinking, and recognize when they should reflect on their own actions. I think I do that too much too: analyze myself. It’s a 50/50 thing to say that no good comes out of it, because sometimes there is good -I understand myself at least a little better; but other times, I’m left hating people’s failures to compromise and failures to open their eyes. I know everyone is different, and not everyone thinks the same. I GET THAT. It’s just my nature to automatically assume that people should see eye-to-eye on the same things that I do. I don’t think it’s that much of a challenge to take the time to really look at a person and wonder what’s on their mind, and what factors are contributing to their current state. (Reading over that last sentence, I’m starting to wonder if my sanity has run out for the time being.) It’s almost 1AM, and I’ve got a lot of other stuff on my mind, and it’s weighing me down. I think it would be best if I continue this after my mind has had some rest.

BOTTOM LINE: I don’t want to be a pushover anymore, but I don’t know where to start so that will… stop.

PERFECT TIMING

There’s a time and place for everything, right? There are times when something is totally acceptable, and other times when that same thing is completely out of the question. I think it’s weird when people sometimes don’t recognize those certain situations in which they need to provide their undivided attention for, whether it’s students dicking around in class when there is a guest speaker, or when someone is on the verge of a nervous breakdown and just needs someone to listen and/or provide some sort of genuine comfort. When stuff like that happens, it seriously upsets me, whether or not I am directly affected by it. It’s just… rude. And if one is in the “nervous breakdown” scenario, then it just makes the other person feel like complete shit if the individual (or individuals) they chose to turn to cannot even offer the slightest effort to make them feel better. One of the most honest things someone can get in the world is the sincere, undivided attention from someone concerned about their feelings. It sounds cheesy, but you should  all know where I’m coming from, because when you feel at your lowest point, and you need to talk it out, all you’d really want at the time is for someone to just listen, and in some cases, stay optimistic for your sake. I can’t seem to understand why there are people who just can’t seem to recognize certain situations and decide what the appropriate behavior is; again, there is always a time and place, and it’s the considerate thing to do when you know for a fact that you should be listening. If that’s not common sense, then I don’t know what is.

LOVER’S LIE

I hope I can keep this semi-brief.

I kept telling myself that the decision I had made was the best for me, when in reality, my insides were having a fit of kicking and screaming. I figured that if I continued to reassure myself that I would be okay, that I eventually would in time. The past 12 days have been confusing as ever, and really took a toll on my heart. I kept lying to myself, saying that I was stronger than I gave myself credit for, and that it would be easy to get over James. Bullshit. I can’t possibly get over someone I never lost a breath of interest in in the first place. It’s really discouraging when people you’re close to don’t have any faith in your relationship whatsoever. Not even the slightest hint of optimism. I’m sick and tired of people not having faith in my relationship. I’m not going to allow anyone to influence my feelings negatively anymore. I appreciate eveyone’s honest-to-God concern for me. I know everyone has my best interest at heart, and so do I; that’s the thing: my best interests for my heart revolve around James.

Call me weak all you want, because it does not matter. At the end of the day, I’m going to be the only one who’s living to satisfy my own happiness. That may sound selfish, but that’s the way I see it; and if I’m not going to be the only one who lives to satisfy my own happiness, then who the hell will?

Jumping to ridiculous conclusions and fear of history repeating due to my own insecurities. That’s all it was. If anything, this is only going to make us stronger. Neither of us are ready to call it quits. This is for the long-run, and this was just a small bump on the road. It’s past, and that’s that. I love you more than anything, James Carlson. I wouldn’t have it any other way.