SELFISH & PATHETIC

I don’t know what’s wrong with me. Lately I’ve been backtracking my thinking process, and I don’t like it. I was doing so well keeping my heart in the freezer. I didn’t… feel. I didn’t… think. It was nice to not have any pain whatsoever for a change. It was nice to repel all the “what if” scenarios that clouded my mind for so long. It was nice to have a clear mind and guarded heart. I didn’t have to worry about hurting myself or giving myself a mindfuck. I built up my new found strength and felt so damn proud of myself. I don’t know what the hell happened. I must have taken a wrong turn somewhere because my pace has been staggering. I guess I shouldn’t have listened to old songs -regardless of how much I missed them- and I shouldn’t have taken more than a “peek.” I’ve been running into too many damn “reminders” and “coincidences,” not to mention the occasional WTF dreams. During  some of my insomnia-filled late nights, I found myself digging too deep into thoughts, whether they were fond memories, or ones I’d rather not remember… or things that were said; words exchanged. Some things are impossible to believe anymore. Some things seem unreal, some things seem like a lie… all those things were easy to let go as unanswered because there didn’t seem like any use in finding them out anymore. That’s why I’ve been keeping my heart in the freezer for almost 3 or 4 months.

I was re-reading some of the stuff I wrote last week:

“…that’s one of the things I was scared of the most -aside from feeling alone- it was the pain.”  “I invested too much time and feelings to be “just friends.” You’ve had too much of an effect on me for me to want to be with you so badly like I once wanted. I can’t just allow you to rely on me to be a friend unless there’s something more -as selfish as it may sound. I’ve been a giver all my life – it’s my turn to be a taker.”

I thought about how much it would hurt to… see or know that his attention has moved on to someone funnier, smarter, prettier… someone all around better than me. As selfish as that sounds, that’s the last thing I’d want to see because it would probably upset and bother me more than anyone can imagine. Like I said: selfish.

I was daydreaming today, because I had nothing better to do, and I found myself thinking. Yet again. I was thinking about all the plans that were once made – all the things we once said we’d do together. That actually seemed to crack the ice, for the first time in a long time… for the first time in a long time, I wished things were better off, and I wanted more than anything to cross some of those plans off the old to-do lists. I realized the chances of that happening are pretty damn slim, and I felt a wave of  disappointment wash over me. I even dared to think about the “future” we once playfully talked about having together and I told myself: pathetic. I forced myself to fall asleep before I could get the ice to crack beneath my feet any more farther along than it already had.

It’s times like these when I remind myself that all this is not worth sitting, waiting, wishing for someone to fall in love with me.

+ + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + +
I’m looking to see if I can
And you’re looking for me to begin this
Just try to pretend if you can
While you’re waiting for me to unwind… again…

But I can’t find a way
No, I can’t find a way
To just try and
Just try and explain myself

Because we stay the same,
We stay the same
Now I’m looking to see
If you’re sad or just lonely
So next time things will be different…

I’m waiting to find out when
And this wave is starting to get in my head
Just try to pretend if you can
Because if we fall, we’ll fall hard again

But I can’t find a way
No, I can’t find a way
To just try and
Just try and explain myself

Because we stay the same, we stay the same

Now I’m looking to see if you’re just sad or lonely
So next time I things will be different…

Just calm down, I’m always around
And I can’t seem to shake this out

And I’m still looking to see
If you’re just sad or lonely
So next time I things will be different…

REGRESSION

WTF @ those two dreams I had yesterday afternoon and last night. What’s wrong with me? I thought I was getting past all this. And to make things more ironic for me, today we just happened to being discussing relationships in health class. “Do you guys remember the last time you had really strong feelings for a particular person?” Ugh. Yes, Mr. Beale. It’s a bit of a sore subject for me. WHY did we have to begin studying this now? And those dreams. Damn. Are they supposed to mean something? Anything? It’s as if I’m being tormented and something is stopping me from getting over all this. I guess it was pretty stupid for me to start listening to previously dedicated songs today, but I couldn’t help it. They’ve been stuck in my head a lot lately, and I just wanted to cure my urge. My theory was right, though: the longer I go without any communication or visual encounters, I begin to forget how wonderful everything was. Do I really want that, though? Do I want to throw away one of my best friends? It’d be foolish for me to write what I really want on here. Besides… no one really reads this anyway, right? I was zoning out today in AP Lit and just sat there thinking about how long it’s been since I last saw him. Has it really been that long? That’s almost half a year. I don’t understand how I could have possibly carried on that long. Seriously, though. What the hell is wrong with me? I’m regressing in the worst way. Nobody said it was easy. It’s such a shame for us to part. No one ever said it would be this hard. Oh, take me back to the start. Please. Let this stop being so hard on me. This feeling of hopelessness is all too familiar and I’d give anything for it to just stop.

CUT

Interesting dream I had last night… it was bizarre at many points, but one part really stuck out to me. I got a little cut on my right pinky finger, and I was bleeding and bleeding and bleeding… and it wouldn’t stop. I even felt the little sting of the cut in my dream. When I woke up, there was no cut, which makes sense. It just felt so real… I half-expected to see one on my finger.

According to DreamMoods.com, to dream that you have a cut, suggests that you are being let down or being undermined. When I looked up “blood,” results showed: to see blood in your dream, represents life, love, and passion as well as disappointments. To dream that you are bleeding or losing blood, signifies that you are suffering from exhaustion or that you are feeling emotionally drained. The results for “pinky finger” showed: to notice your pinky finger in your dream, represents mental power, intellect, memory, and the power of communication.

My dreams usually make no sense, but this one really hit the nail on the head. Fuck my life.

11:11

So, today I applied for college. SDSU is going to be my default, UCLA will always be my dream, and SFSU turned out to be my “surprise.” Online applications are confusing to fill out, and I accidentally clicked on SFSU instead of SDSU on one of the first pages. I didn’t notice until I got to the second page or so (the majors course selections) when I realized I was NOT applying to SDSU. I was about to click the back button, when I noticed my beloved major of choice on the application list: creative writing. I continued to fill out the SFSU application without anymore hesitation after I saw that. UC Riverside also has creative writing as a major, or so Manny told me… but with non-UC schools I don’t have to submit and personal statements… which is a serious load off my mind. Finding a college that actually has creative writing as a straight-out major is like a miracle to me, because whenever I’m asked about my major, I always say creative writing (or film theory– UCLA is the only school I’m aware of that has that as a major), and people always reply with something like: “Oh, you might just have to settle for an English major” I’m cool with that, but hell! I actually found an English major that revolves around creative writing. I’m so glad my mom insisted that I apply to at least two colleges… I don’t think I would have found this if she hadn’t.

The application process took about 2 or 3 hours, since I was working on the SFSU one first, and then it took my dad a while to calculate our annual income but… I’m done. SDSU and SFSU. Let’s hope I get accepted in at least ONE of those colleges!

Since I completed the applications, I feel more relaxed and less stressed, which is really good, because I was starting to feel the build up.

“OH LORD” & ICE CREAM

I’ve been saying that a lot lately: “Oh Lord.” I don’t know why. My sister says that a lot… maybe I’m turning into a… mini-Ana. OH LORD.

Today wasn’t really as productive as yesterday. 2hour-ish phone talk/wake-up call with Jimbo, like every morning, which is nice. I love our “nerky” coversations. He makes me smile Anyways, Mobsters was the main topic, as well as Mafia Wars… which is now my new “addiction” on Myspace. OH LORD.

Drove mom to Vons and dropped off my application at Game Stop. I rrrrrrrrrreally hope I get the job… hopefully my prior retail experience will benefit me. Stopped by Cold Stone and got myself a waffle cone with chocolate ice cream, since my dream last night involved ice cream… and rednecks, NPH, cops (who ate ice cream), cars sinking into the freeway, a Buzz Lightyear-themed rocket/plane… seen driving on the freeway, and ripping off cow’s legs (IDK WTH that means). According to DreamMoods.com, to see or eat ice cream in your dream, denotes pleasure and satisfaction with your life. It is also an indicative of good luck and success in love. That works for me! It’s weird, I always dream about stuff the night before and the next day I see/hear/do something that pertains to whatever I dream about. The past few months I’ve noticed that happens, so if I dream about something (like ice cream, for instance) I “make it happen,” so to speak… if that makes sense.

I think when I finally manage to get my lazy ass off Myspace, I’m going to finish watching Dragon Heart, because I haven’t seen that movie in years, and I was watching it earlier this morning. The rest of the day will be spent wasting time, in other words. It’s too damn hot to do anything! Post-summer heat is just as bad as summer heat.