PUSHOVER

I feel like a doormat. There doesn’t really seem to be any other way to elaborate, because it’s plain and simple. I tend to allow people to walk all over me. I’m too much of a damn coward to stand up for myself, and I know I need to. Don’t get me wrong, I speak my mind… sometimes. The thing of it is, I’m usually always really careful about not offending anyone or hurting someone’s feelings, and that’s why it’s sometimes difficult for me to be brutally honest. Sometimes I feel I’m too considerate. I was thinking about it… and I realized just now that if I can’t speak up for myself at all times, people may very well underestimate me, which has a big chance of leading to people taking me for granted, and there’s no way in hell I will allow that to happen, if I can help it. Words seriously cannot explain the excruciating pain I feel if I’m being taken for granted, or even if I think for one second that I may be taken for granted. I think it’s the one thing I hate the most in this world. Being taken for granted really makes me die inside.

“Never allow someone to be your priority, while allowing yourself to be their option.”

Those are words I plan to get inked into my skin, because no other quote can speak for itself quite the way this one does. I wish everyone was capable of understanding my way of thinking, and recognize when they should reflect on their own actions. I think I do that too much too: analyze myself. It’s a 50/50 thing to say that no good comes out of it, because sometimes there is good -I understand myself at least a little better; but other times, I’m left hating people’s failures to compromise and failures to open their eyes. I know everyone is different, and not everyone thinks the same. I GET THAT. It’s just my nature to automatically assume that people should see eye-to-eye on the same things that I do. I don’t think it’s that much of a challenge to take the time to really look at a person and wonder what’s on their mind, and what factors are contributing to their current state. (Reading over that last sentence, I’m starting to wonder if my sanity has run out for the time being.) It’s almost 1AM, and I’ve got a lot of other stuff on my mind, and it’s weighing me down. I think it would be best if I continue this after my mind has had some rest.

BOTTOM LINE: I don’t want to be a pushover anymore, but I don’t know where to start so that will… stop.

PERFECT TIMING

There’s a time and place for everything, right? There are times when something is totally acceptable, and other times when that same thing is completely out of the question. I think it’s weird when people sometimes don’t recognize those certain situations in which they need to provide their undivided attention for, whether it’s students dicking around in class when there is a guest speaker, or when someone is on the verge of a nervous breakdown and just needs someone to listen and/or provide some sort of genuine comfort. When stuff like that happens, it seriously upsets me, whether or not I am directly affected by it. It’s just… rude. And if one is in the “nervous breakdown” scenario, then it just makes the other person feel like complete shit if the individual (or individuals) they chose to turn to cannot even offer the slightest effort to make them feel better. One of the most honest things someone can get in the world is the sincere, undivided attention from someone concerned about their feelings. It sounds cheesy, but you should  all know where I’m coming from, because when you feel at your lowest point, and you need to talk it out, all you’d really want at the time is for someone to just listen, and in some cases, stay optimistic for your sake. I can’t seem to understand why there are people who just can’t seem to recognize certain situations and decide what the appropriate behavior is; again, there is always a time and place, and it’s the considerate thing to do when you know for a fact that you should be listening. If that’s not common sense, then I don’t know what is.

WHAT DO YOU TAKE ME FOR?

I’ve always said that I don’t want people to take me for granted, simply because it’s a horrible, painful feeling. Think about it: who wants to feel like they are being treated less than they’re really worth? And here’s another thought: who the hell has the right to let someone even think for even a split second feel that they’d mean anything less than they actually do to a person? (I have a tendency of compiling wordy sentences, I hope that made sense and I apologize for any confusion that may follow… or any that has already begun.)

I was just thinking about that; being taken for granted, I mean. I realized that I shouldn’t get so defensive because I may possibly be guilty of doing the same. Obviously I don’t mean to do such things intentionally, I’m not evil. I know things just happen, and it’s understandable for people to feel badly about it. I grew up being taught with the moral of being considerate to other people, no matter what. That may slip every now and then, but I’m usually pretty good about keeping up with it, whether it may be taking the time to do a favor for someone, working around your own schedule to benefit other peoples’, or to recognize that someone might be too busy to focus on you and allow them to continue with what they were doing, whether you like it or not.

I want to start being more vocal when it comes to letting people know that they are important to me and how glad I am to have them be a part of my life. The way I see it, everyone you meet impacts your life one way or another, if it’s greatly or a little less than that: what matters is that they did in fact change your life in some way, whether you realize it right away or after some time.

I want to tell all the people I’ve only known a couple months or weeks that I’m glad to have met them; I want to tell all my closest friends that their friendship means the world to me; I want to be able to tell my parents that I’m very grateful for everything they’ve ever done for me, and that I respect their best intentions even when I don’t agree all the time; I want to tell my brother and sister that I really enjoy spending time with them, especially since distance makes that rare; I want to tell my boyfriend that I want more than anything for us to work through this distance because I know he’s worth it; I want to develop sincere friendships with people who are merely acquaintances; (even though I don’t have a job anymore) I want to tell my co-workers that I really appreciate all the help they give me, especially when I make little mistakes at work; I want to tell my teachers (the ones I actually respect and learn from) that I appreciate the effort they put into everyday at school and that they really have contributed something to my academic life, which will ultimately lead to my future.

There’s so much more that I have left to say… to so many people, and I’m going to start doing that more often. Taking others for granted is just as bad as taking life itself for granted, and no one wants to do that, right? In so many words, and without any shame or fear, I’d like to say thank you to anyone and everyone, and I promise I’ll do my best to not take people in my life for granted, and make sure they won’t feel anything less than what they really mean to me <3 I appreciate the people I am lucky enough to know and/or love, and I don’t want ‘em to forget that.