Seeing that its been a good couple months since certain events have taken place, I realized that I never took the time to post any sort of “angry” or “bitter” rant. I don’t know if that’s what this will be, but… I guess we’ll be able to tell whether or not that’s what this blog will be by the time I’m done writing it. Most of my thoughts have been invested in several pages out of journals and random song lyrics placed here and there, whether it be on Myspace or on the corner of a scrap piece of paper.
I’m not going to explain what happened. For those of you who don’t know all the nitty-gritty details, just consider yourselves lucky, especially if you were fortunate enough to not witness it. First off, let me say that I have never felt more publicly humiliated, and (at the time) I felt beyond weak; at my absolute worst breaking point. And one of the worst things from that night in particular, was that I was actually enjoying myself, regardless of how negative I was feeling a few hours before-hand. I was pepped up and really cheerful, but… shit had to hit the fan. I had to witness something I really rather would not have, and it was sort of like a wake-up call in the worst way; definitely not the wake-up calls I was used to. This was harsh reality. What’s worse, it was under intoxicated circumstances. You know, when I look back at everything that happened between me and… that person in the past year seems like a complete dream. Everything now is just so… unreal and at the rare times I do find myself thinking back to the “good times” (or at least what I believed to be “good times”) I have a hard time convincing myself that any of it happened. I’d have an easier time believing the fact that I was schizophrenic, than actually believe that what happened actually did happen, and the words exchanged really were spoken. Hours upon hours spent on the phone were all a waste. I compromised relationships with my friends and family. I turned down someone who really did seem to care for me in exchange for someone I went through the same old pointless cycle with. I allowed certain things to get out of hand and I feel that I allowed situations to carry on farther than I would have liked them to. All the sneaking around, all the lies I had to tell, all the arguments I got into over that person; all the fighting I did for him… all of it seemed to be nothing more than a waste of time and energy, and did nothing more than make me look like a bigger fool than I already am.
“You’re worth living for.” For something that seems to mean so much, he really did have one hell of an unconventional way of showing that he meant it. Yes, there are certain things I remember being told, whether I wanted to hear them or not; good and bad. I’m not going to stay mad at a person for them not being able to fall in love with me, that’s just crazy. But so help me, I will stay mad at a person for dragging our relationship out for so long, when they don’t know what they want for sure. As far as that goes, it’s going to be a while until I can stop being bitter about that. A grown man should not be harboring such indecisiveness. It’s not fair to him or that person he’s putting it through (that person being me). I’m over all the crying because “he’s not in love with me and he never will be” bullshit. No, no, no. I’m honestly beyond all that. The last time I even cried over that stuff was the last conversation we both had about it. Since then… I’ve been tough as nails, and it’s not like all the other times when I feel as if I’m only kidding myself and my feelings will eventually catch up with me to bite me in the ass.
I’ve been ready to start new; willing and able to mingle and stay open. Eye candy is one sort of sweet that most certainly will not rot the eyes. I’m beyond excited to start college, with the hopes of meeting new people: muffins in particular. I know I’ll come across my fair share of doughnuts, because I’m no stranger to that… but college is a good way for me to broaden my horizon and my God… when I was over at SWC the other day, I couldn’t get enough of all the white boys.
I’ve blocked out the good feelings and talks, and I think it’s in that sense that I’m like Clementine, only in my case… I’m not going to try to figure out what it was I erased, because I know that in the end, I’ll be back at square one, and I’ll remember exactly why I wanted to erase everything to begin with. I’ve learned the hard way that I’m only hurting myself if I continue to reminisce over the things I once loved about this person, memories shared and songs dedicated included. I don’t want to hurt anymore, and I’ve been doing pretty good by myself. I don’t even lurk on Myspace. I think the reason I haven’t completely managed to erase him off Myspace is just to keep a tiny reminder that all of it was real, and that I’m not as crazy as I let myself believe I am. Every time I don’t click the link to their page, I mentally pat myself on the back for not allowing curiosity to get the best of me.
Of course I’ll be there if there shall ever come a day when he might need me, but I know that I’m probably one of the last people he’ll ever think to turn to now, but that’s okay. I don’t need to be in places where I’m not needed. I’m glad that I have the freedom to remain carefree and not worry about the ex-girlfriends I cannot stand because of the things I’ve heard they’ve done, particularly about the way they had treated him and yet he still maintains some sort of “friendship” or keeps them as acquaintances. I don’t need to go on not being able to understand why for some reason he insists to keep in close contact. It’s out of my hands now, and I don’t have to throw subtle reminders his way that such things make me uncomfortable. I don’t have to act like I’m okay with the idea of him even exchanging words with them, hanging out with them through mutual friends… I don’t even have to pretend that I enjoy listening to him read to me the heartfelt song lyrics he wrote about them way back when. I don’t even need to feel like he’d much rather hang out with his friends than spend time with me, or would rather be pre-occupied with other things over the phone than talking to me. I don’t have to hint at the fact that I’m not having a good day rather than him just asking how my day was. I don’t need to constantly ask him how he’s feeling and not have him ask the same of me. I don’t need any of that, and I’m better off without it. In the past year, I’ve had numerous people tell me that I deserve better than this. Better than him. My friends, my family, my teachers and co-workers, complete strangers I met at parties, and even his friends have told me this, and it’s about time I start believing them.
It’s about time I get rid of the idea that one day he’ll just change his mind and realize how much I really did mean to him. It’s about time I raise my white flag and surrender all these ideas in my hopeless romantic head and figure out the difference between romanticizing a situation and seeing it for what it really is, and what it really is… is nothing. You can’t make people fall in love with you, and it’s not fair for you to stay with someone and just hope that one day they fall in love with you. That’s not how it works, and as much of a hard pill it is to swallow, it’s my turn to lean my head back and take it, and follow it with a wash of ice cold water. I’m done with counting the days to see how long it will take before my heart is broken/disappointed by the same old person.
I’m not trying to sound cocky when I say any of this, but the honest-to-God truth is that I am a great catch. I put people before myself and I am very thoughtful. I do my best to keep up conversations, and I’m the farthest thing from a man-eater. I’m not a slut, and I am sentimental and honest. I’m weird, but that’s just me. I look cute on a good day, and I admit that I don’t have a knock-out body. I’m very understanding and I do my best to be mature and open to everything. I treat boys like people- not like toys. I’m quite possibly one of the most considerate people you’ll ever meet.
I think it’s about time I wrap up this blog… this long overdue rant/reflection. I think I may be starting to talk in circles again, so I’ll end it with these last words…
If there was just one thing I could say to you, it’d be this: If I was ever anything at all, I was yours.
