ON MY MIND

There’s been a bunch of stuff on my mind lately.

I can’t wait until I go back to work, which (hopefully) is soon. Unemployed life is boring and it sucks to be broke. I need to save my money up… for a lot of practical and impractical things. I need to get a steady income rolling.

I feel like shit because I haven’t been to the gym in like… six months. I hate being lazy, for the most part. I love to work out, I just hate being surrounded by disgusting jocks in the weight room at school. I keep telling myself I’m going to get back into the habit; my gut has become slightly larger since the holidays and I can’t stand it. Definitely need to start eating healthy again and get back into old work out habits & commitment.

School is pretty breezy nowadays. I love AP Lit. I love having only 3 classes again. Unscheduled 4th period is a God-send. I even managed to swing a 4.33 GPA. I haven’t done that since freshman year. High school is almost over, I can’t believe it.

I got accepted into SFSU, woot woot-! My mom still wants me to go to community college for two years to get my general studies out of the way. It makes sense, but goddamn. I want to get out of this town. Well, I do and I don’t. I just really need a good dose of adventure & new things. I love meeting new people, and I’m very greatful to have had the opportunity to meet a handful of new people this past couple months. I need more of that. More adventures & more new people.

My writing has been slowly progressing, and that’s better than nothing in my book. I’m making an honest attempt to resurrect The Hot Dog/Cab Incident short story, but I really don’t know where to go from where I left off. I figure once I do something good with that story, then I can advance to Cheese, Chocolate & Grapes.

I’ve been feeling more disconnected from church lately. There really isn’t anything I can do about it. I don’t like the priests, I don’t pay attention during the readings- let alone the sermons, and I still don’t like the music. There isn’t much point in talking to my mom about it, because she’s really stubborn on the subject. I wish there was something I could to to renew my faith in my religion, but I’ve been drawing up blanks when it comes to that.

I’ve been feeling really restless due to lack of a driver’s license. I think if I had my license, I wouldn’t be so damn lazy all the time, and I hate wasting days away doing nothing but nap in bed. I plan on taking my permit test again sometime soon (for the 3rd time). I know. I suck. I’m a horrible test taker, I’m not even kidding. I absolutely HATE taking tests, no matter what. I get nervous, no matter what. It’s ridiculous. I need to get my license soon. I’m most likely going to be stuck driving the ugly janky Mexican van until I get a real car. My brother-in-law says I can have his old Nissan. The only problem is that it’s a stick shift, and I have never even touched a stick shift car. If I go up to San Francisco to visit my sister and stuff during spring break, I plan on driving the car back home with me. Summer is going to be here before I know it and I can’t not be without a car.

My love life… hah. Well, it doesn’t exist. The existance of my non-existant love life is pretty much the story of my life… that makes sense, right? It sucks, as always. I guess it’s better to be in no relationship rather than an unsteady one, right? I could ramble on and on about this, but I shouldn’t. And I won’t. It looks like a friendship got ruined because of a so-called “relationship,” and you have no idea how much that has really bummed me out. It would be pointless for me to ramble on and on about that as well, because no one reads this blog anyways, and… rambling wouldn’t change anything. As much as I wish it would.

LOPEZ x4

Friday, November 7- I got an extra hour to myself in the morning, since I was technically excused from first period, because the bus wasn’t scheduled to pick us up until the beginning of nutrition break. Went to Fashion Valley for P.R. and photo class. Walking all around the mall left my feet screamingly sore, with a few blisters here and there. OUCH. We met up with the P.R. lady for about 15 minutes before we got the next few hours to ourselves. Ate at Panda Express with Fernando, Ximena, Vico, and Katrina. I bought the cutest Catwoman shirt at H & M… the remaining balance on my ATM is about $19. YIKES.

I kind of, sort of ditched fourth period when we got back to school, which is something I never do, so give me a break! Stopped by at a couple Game Stop stores to see if they even touched my applications. Apparently, they’re not busy enough to be hiring. Greeeeeeeeat. I’m going to be unemployed for the fuckin’ holidays. I can only dream that I’ll get a call in the next week or so saying that one of those locations want me. I NEED A JOB.

A little while later, I went to Victoria’s house, where I gave her some tips on Mafia Wars and we discussed our increasing obsession with Twilight *WINK WINK* We also both decided to try out for the school musical… High School Musical, to be exact. I don’t really have a huge desire to actually be in it… because it’s just High School Musical, but… it would be cool if I actually got a part in it or something, then I’d have to be in it, but I’m not going to get all butt-hurt if I don’t make it. My singing voice isn’t exactly wonderful. (I’m still deciding on whether or not to sing “The Mixed Tape” by Jack’s Mannequin or “That Thing You Do!” by The Wonders… I have until Wednesday/Thursday to make my decision!) A little later into the night, we watched Diary of the Dead, because we couldn’t get around to it on Halloween. It left me paranoid, like all zombie movies, and I was glad my mom insisted on driving half a quarter mile down the road to pick me up, because walking home would have been a nightmare, lol.

Saturday, November 8- I had to wake up around 6, 7AMish for this lame college prep workshop/Filipino pride event down at Sweetwater High School. I walked into their gym, and the first thing I saw emblazoned on the wall was a huge mural of Satan. WTFFFFFFFFFFFFFF. I had no idea their mascot was the Red Devils! Opening speeches/remarks were about 2 hours, and I noticed they did not stick to the time schedule and the first workshop rotation had to be cancelled. The second one I had to go to was about applying for financial aid, which was nothing I hadn’t heard before. The third rotation was some workshop regarding stereotypes and the importance of accepting all races, genders, etc. Tyler and Sam were there for that one, so it wasn’t as painful as it could have been. During an activity, I was randomly labeled as a “poor person,” LOL. Tyler was a “promiscuous male” and Sam was an “ASB member.” After all the workshops were done, I stayed a little longer for free food (abobo, pansit, and rice–nothing special) and I got two free shirts. I wasted a good 5 hours of my life at that damn pointless workshop.

A little later, I called Victoria to come over and help me kill time. After swooning over the newest issue of Entertainment Weekly (which had Edward and Bella on the cover… OH BABY) and kicking ass in more Mafia Wars, AND looking at the over-priced Twilight shirts and hoodies on the Hot Topic website (and then hatching the plan of making our own Twilight shirts), we went to Old Navy with her mom and sister. After getting back to her casa from Old Navy, we got picked up by Manny and chilled at his house for a while with Jo, and his college buddies- Janis and Angel. Michelle Bush stopped by with brownies.. YUM. Victoria and I obsessed over Twilight even more with Janis and Angel, which was really cool… and kind of nerdy, but oh well!

Sunday, November 9- Went to church, as usual. I felt really bad, because the sermon ended before I even started listening… I just zoned out for some weird reason. Kim came over after church, and then Victoria. We  went to go pick up Tina, and watched Diary of the Dead at mi casa. Halfway through the movie, my mom took us to Michael’s, so Victoria and I could get fabric paint for our Twilight shirts. We also got really cute iron-ons for the back design of the shirt. We had to swing by Old Navy so I could get my matching black wife beater. OH YEAH! The weather that day was really nice: cold, windy and rainy. I love fall/winter weather, and I can’t wait for it to get even colder and grayer. Back at my house we ate sweet and sour pork, then finished Diary. After that, we ended up watching Planet Terror. BRUCE WILLIS IS A BABE ;D

Monday, November 10- Spent most of the morning in Eastlake with my mom, because she wanted to check out this new Goodwill book store around there. It was a small store, but really well organized. I bought the entire Chronicles of Narnia collection for $5! I was hoping I’d see Eclipse somewhere amongst the old, used books… but that was wishful thinking. We hung out at the cutest Borders book store I’ve ever seen. And I had no idea there was even one in Eastlake-! I was looking through Eclipse, when this chick on crutches asked if I’ve read any of the Twilight books, and we ended up having a nice little chat about the series before she had to leave. I found one of my favorite genre sections (Reference books) and holed up there for the rest of the visit. I skimmed through a writing reference book about writing/publishing your first novel, which gave me more inspiration and motivation to get back into the habit of writing at least once a day, everyday again. I wish I could have bought it, but it was $16… and I had $0. On the way home, my mom and I picked up some food from Johnny Carino’s, which kept my mouth watering all the way home.

[Random quote from my mom while driving: "This driver in the red car must have itchy balls."]

I indulged in some delicious pasta and chicken when we got home, and shortly after, I was in a damn food coma. When I woke up, I had some phone talk, then went to Victoria’s casa to make our Twilight shirts. The first part of the shirts are a total SUCCESS. Picture this: black wifebeater, and silver text that says “Stupid lamb.” It might sound lame to you, but those shirts are our little masterpieces. You have NO IDEA what it took us to make those. We still have to put the iron-ons, but that’ll come later on this week, perhaps. We even decided to do our makeup and everything for the midnight show. OH YEAH. We’re going to the midnight show, since next Friday is a late start day at school. HOLLAAAAAAAAAAAA!

And if you haven’t noticed, I spent 4 out of my 5 day weekend with Victoria, hence the title of this blog, LOL.

QUARANTINE, PLP & CARAMEL APPLES

Friday, October 10– “Date night” with Victoria! My mom didn’t believe me when I said I saw someone giving away a free big screen TV, hah! Walked around in hopes of picking up job applications for decent stores… all we got was Claire’s and Pac Sun. FAIL. I still really want to work at Game Stop… NO MATTER WHAT! Robby & Blake decided to join us to watch Quarantine, which totally scared the shit out of me. I’ve never jumped or screamed so much at the movies (that I can remember). I really liked it and I can’t wait until it’s playing at the Navy Base for free, hahah. Those new bastard kitten heels left my feet screaming by the end of the night, so I had no choice but to walk around Plaza Bonita mall barefoot. YUCK.

Saturday, October 11– Spent most of the day doing nothing. I got ready for The Parking Lot Proposal’s show and realized that I was practically starving, so I called Victoria up to see if she wanted to walk to Taco Bell and get some food before we left. YEARS LATER we met up at the intersection and walked down Coronado together… less than 5 minutes later we realized that it was pretty chilly and we were both idiots who forgot our cardigans at home. I got my “usual” at Taco Bell (two cheesy double beef burritos and a Sierra Mist… the raspberry iced tea tasted disgusting). We wasted so much time there while we waited for Josalle to pick us up. I wasted a good $3 (possibly more) on temporary tattoos. We kept going back and forth to the register asking for quarters in exchange for our dimes and nickels, like the losers we are. By the time we left, we were covered in bloody/gore tattoos, and other manly-type stuff. We got semi-lost on the way to Fashion Valley mall with Ruben, Jeffrey & Josalle, but we made it! PLP was amazing, like always, and I finally met their new singer, Jessika. Blake made me “anti-depressant” cookies, which is the sweetest thing anyone has done for me in a long time :3

After the show, me, Ruben, Jeffrey, Josalle, and Victoria walked around Mission Valley mall, which was kind of lame, because I could have sworn that mall had two floors… but apparently the first level is just parking structure, haha. I wasted $8 at The Sweet Factory: a jawbreaker and a dozen (or so) of blue gummy sharks.

Sunday, October 12– Went to church, as usual. Kim got dropped off and we went to the Eastlake mall with my mom, because she wanted to steal recipes from some cook books for work. We spent a couple hours in the kid’s section of Barnes and Noble, having crazy throwbacks to elementary school with all the book browsing. I wish books weren’t so damn expensive :C

We walked around the rest of the mall, LOL @ a bunch of baby teens asking us if there was an Abercrombie store. HAH. FUNNY. We attempted to take pictures in the Apple store, but had no idea how to work a Mac, so we stepped inside that one Rocky Mountain chocolate shop, or whatever it’s called, and feasted our eyes on mouth-watering, delicious caramel apples… we gave in and decided to split one. It was HEAVEN. After, we looked around in Anthropologies, this cute boutique with over-priced deliciously scented candles, clothing & miscellaneous home furnishings.

FREEDOM OF RELIGION

I’m a Catholic, and I go to church just about every Sunday. My mom gets upset if I ever miss church and will go to any lengths to make sure I never do, like going on Saturday or extra early on Sunday, for instance. When I was younger, I wasn’t exactly fond of going to church, but I didn’t really dread it, either. I really enjoyed the sermons our priest delivered and the music our music director and choir performed. Over the years, however, priests moved to different parishes, and our music director moved to New York. Their replacements weren’t exactly great compensations to our losses. The changes that were being made to my church sort of discouraged me, simply because I began to loose interest. The new priests were not engaging, and the new music was… to put it lightly… horrible. Our former music director was seriously top-notch, I mean… he was amazing, and for the church to hire such a downgrade was completely disappointing.

I can remember a time when I really didn’t mind practicing and following my religion. I used to pray every night and everything. I realized that I haven’t been doing that as frequently anymore. It’s not like I want to live my life without following Catholic beliefs, but I’ve also realized that something that has been pushing me away from it is the one person who has been trying relentlessly to get me to follow it, that person being my mom. Whenever I pass by her in the living room and she’s watching TV, it’s usually on this Christian/Catholic religion channel, and she never fails to say “You should watch this once in a while instead of that garbage you usually watch” (Or something to that effect.) I can’t help but roll my eyes every time. And I hate it how almost every non-religion topic of conversation I have with her turns into exactly the opposite. I can bring up something like school or relationships, or my career goals, and she somehow takes advantage of the conversation and ends it with a long speech about how it’s important for me to pray and go to church and yadda yadda yadda. Not to mention the fact that she makes me feel guilty as hell every time I do or say something that either she or the Catholic faith (or both) would not approve of. I know she’s just trying to steer me the right way, but she should know by now that I’m not a fuck up, and I’m not going to put a bad name on the family; I am old enough and fully capable of making my own decisions however I see fit.

Of course I want to be a good person, but I don’t think that should be based on whether or not I practice my religion or not. Following your religion does not make you a good person; your judgement and the choices you make is what determines whether or not you are a good person. Honestly, I would like to have the strength to follow my religion -on my own terms. I don’t want to be forced to go to church or feel guilty if I don’t live up to the religious expectations my parents may have of me. Everything becomes tainted if I go into something I’m not capable of dedicating my heart to. I hate having to go to church every Sunday and just sit there while the priest puts everything he’s got into something that goes in one ear and out the other. I want to be able to learn from whatever he’s got to say and have it stick in my head. I’m tired of being forced to believe something I was slowly losing faith in. I’ve tried explaining this to my mom, but she didn’t really take me seriously, and continued to push it. The way I see it, is that I need to start over fresh with my religion, the problem is that I know my mom won’t let me handle this the way I’d like to. I’m not too keen with the old-fashioned way of doing things; in my experiences, I’ve noticed that the “motivational speaking method” seems to stick more, simply because the speakers have more enthusiasm in their voices, compared to the elder priests who speak softly and slowly. I think if I found a more contemporary Catholic parish to join, I’d have an easier time understanding myself as well as my own religion. I want to be able to “save” myself, because I want the same unconditional faith and dedication that so many other people have to the Catholic faith because when you reach a feeling of fulfillment with anything (not necessarily just faith/religion), it makes you feel good. I’m all for self-improvement in my life, and I can honestly say that I believe the pursuit/achievement of new-found faith will be a factor for me. It’s important for me to maintain the things in my life that make me feel good and happy, whether it be strong friendships, inspired writing, or simply a positive state of mind. I want that same effect for my religion.

Religion can’t be taken lightly, and you certainly can not force someone to believe in something they aren’t willing to follow, that’s just not how it works, and I understand that better now. My mom would always be upset that my brother-in-law was not religious, and she kept wishing and hoping for him to at least meet her half-way so my niece and nephew would at least be baptized, but even that took a good 5 or 6 years to get through. People have to be willing to see what another person sees -sometimes it’s easy, sometimes it’s not. Sometimes it takes time, and sometimes it’s just plain hopeless. No matter what, everyone needs to respect others’ opinions, because if not, you’ll always be stuck on that same track you’ve been leading your whole life. Open minds and open hearts are key in this crazy, crazy world. I hope I made at least a little sense… if not, oh well, at least it made sense to me.

BOTTOM LINE: I want enough strength to save myself from losing faith in my religion completely, because it is important to me, it just needs to be handled in a way that I can progress from and build off of.