“Let’s stay like this, please. It’s all I want.” <3
FLAMINGOS
Fernando and I finally got our chance to job shadow with Kathy McCurdy! We visited the film set for the new movie, My Son, My Son, What Have Ye Done? - starring Michael Shannon, Willem Dafoe, and Chloë Sevigny. We were on the set from 12PM-5PM, and it was by far the most unforgettable experience, ever. It seriously was exactly how I pictured a film set to look, and now I can cross that off my list of things to do before I die. The set design was absolutely incredible, and the acting was amazing, especially Michael Shannon. He really embodied his role, and I can’t wait to see the final product of the film. ACADEMY AWARD! Fernie and I came out of this experience silghtly sunburned, and totally star-struck.
“They aren’t flamingos, they’re my eagles in drag.”
BLAME IT ON THE A A A A A A ALCOHOL
^ LOL, I <3 Louie! 
^ I called it quits after 2 shots: Blue Raspberry Vodka & Jäger -minus the bomb. I think if I downed a few Jägerbombs, I’d have been sloshed for the rest of the night, but it’s safe to say that I’m glad I stayed sober.
I spent the rest of the night helping Matt clean up & taking care of all the drunk hoes! I was even a “designated driver” to take a particular fuckwad home.
^ Sober @ 1:20 in the AM :]
& LOL @ watching Camp Rock with Robin the next morning. He was totally on the edge of his seat the entire time! *Note to self: edit/upload a picture of Robin watching Camp Rock…*
REGRESS – NEUTRAL – PROGRESS
Let’s keep it neutral, shall we? And if not neutral, then I’d be more than happy to progress. Let’s just promise that we won’t regress. I want to keep as far away from that at any and all costs. Please? I will not become starry-eyed with hope for what I want; I’m happier with just going with the flow, and not rushing anything. I’ll keep a good head on my shoulders, and I won’t get ahead of myself. I just don’t want to regress. I DO NOT WANT TO REGRESS. And for what it’s worth, I’m going to do my best and not give a fuck about what other people may think or say, and I’ll try to do a better job about sticking up for this. “Damned if you do, damned if you don’t.”
OM NOM NOM NOM
I have come across a new delicacy, which is absolutely delicious. It’s simple, and really easy to make. Over the course of one weekend, I managed to perfect the art of making the tastiest fried egg sandwiches.
Lightly toast two slices of bread (I use whole wheat or potato bread) while you fry the egg (sunny side up), sprinkle salt and pepper if you want. Slip the egg between the toasted bread and slap on a cheese slice or two. Wait a minute or two for the cheese to melt and enjoy :9
It’s one of the best sandwiches… ever. I really hope my mom keeps the kitchen well-stocked with bread, eggs, and cheese slices-! (The sandwiches taste a million times better with cheese, by the way- but that’s just my opinion.) And the best part of eating the sandwich is when you finally bite into the egg and break the yolk… oh man. Yum! You won’t be disappointed, I promise. Unless you’re allergic to eggs… or vegan … yikes.
WARNING SIGN
I’m not going to lie. I’m still going through that “regression.” I’m beginning to feel weaker and weaker. I don’t know what to do. My heart is practically pounding out of my throat. Something is stopping me from reaching from the phone and looking up an all-too-familiar name under my contacts, and dialing the number. I want to so badly. I don’t know if I can, though. I feel like you’re mad at me… or you hate me. Honestly, I’m scared of you right now. I’m scared you’re going to shrug me off, and that’s the LAST thing I want. Someone please wake me up and just tell me it’s a horrible dream… tell me everything is as it always was and that everything is okay. Tell me we still talk just about every other night about everything and nothing. Tell me 6 minutes after midnight still means something to you. Tell me you still mean what you wrote in that card… if not all of it… at least some of it. Please tell me that I still mean something important to you.
This is my blog and I can put whatever I want on this… without feeling like I’m too much of a fool. No one really reads this anyways. I’m just going to go all out. Hell, I’ll even put your name under the tags.
I miss you. I miss you so much and I don’t want to believe that things will never be the same again. You were my best friend for so long last year. I don’t want to throw any of that away. I DON’T want to be like Clementine. I can’t not have you in my life. I need you to be a part of it. I’ve told myself that I’d be better off without you, hoping I’d be convinced. I’m not convinced yet. Not in the least. At this rate, I don’t know if I ever will be. I don’t know if I ever want to be. I think about you too much; more often than I should nowadays, given the current circumstances between you and me. I tell myself to stop. I can’t. I really, truly can’t. I’m definitely not as strong as I’d like other people to believe. I’m not. I see 12:06 every time I check the clock, and there’s no escaping memories of you. If there is any chance that you happen to stumble across this break-down blog of mine… please. Call me, text me, message me… do something so I know that you at least want to still be friends or… something. I don’t know. My sleep deprivation has begun taking its toll on me, but I really mean every word I’m typing. I realize now that I can’t be the tough girl. I’m not like that at all. I’m still just the sentimental romantic. I can’t be aggressive. I can only be honest. I feel lost without you. I’m far less happy without you. I’m no good without you.
+ + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + +
A warning sign
I missed the good part then I realized
That I started looking and the bubble burst
I started looking for excuses
Come on in, I’ve got to tell you what a state I’m in
I’ve got to tell you in my loudest tones
That I started looking for a warning sign
When the truth is
I miss you
Yeah the truth is
That I miss you so
A warning sign
You came back to haunt me and I realized
That you were an island and I passed you by
When you were an island to discover
Come on in, I’ve got to tell you what a state I’m in
I’ve got to tell you in my loudest tones
That I started looking for a warning sign
And the truth is
I miss you
Yeah the truth is
I miss you so
And I’m tired
I should not have let you go
So I crawl back into your open arms
Yes I crawl back into your open arms
And I crawl back into your open arms
Yes I crawl back into your open arms
HE’S JUST NOT THAT INTO YOU
“I may dissect each little thing and put myself out there so much but at least that means that I still care. Oh! You’ve think you won because women are expendable to you. You may not get hurt or make an ass of yourself that way but you don’t fall in love that way either. You have not won. You’re alone. I may do a lot of stupid shit but I’m still a lot closer to love than you are.”
REGRESSION
WTF @ those two dreams I had yesterday afternoon and last night. What’s wrong with me? I thought I was getting past all this. And to make things more ironic for me, today we just happened to being discussing relationships in health class. “Do you guys remember the last time you had really strong feelings for a particular person?” Ugh. Yes, Mr. Beale. It’s a bit of a sore subject for me. WHY did we have to begin studying this now? And those dreams. Damn. Are they supposed to mean something? Anything? It’s as if I’m being tormented and something is stopping me from getting over all this. I guess it was pretty stupid for me to start listening to previously dedicated songs today, but I couldn’t help it. They’ve been stuck in my head a lot lately, and I just wanted to cure my urge. My theory was right, though: the longer I go without any communication or visual encounters, I begin to forget how wonderful everything was. Do I really want that, though? Do I want to throw away one of my best friends? It’d be foolish for me to write what I really want on here. Besides… no one really reads this anyway, right? I was zoning out today in AP Lit and just sat there thinking about how long it’s been since I last saw him. Has it really been that long? That’s almost half a year. I don’t understand how I could have possibly carried on that long. Seriously, though. What the hell is wrong with me? I’m regressing in the worst way. Nobody said it was easy. It’s such a shame for us to part. No one ever said it would be this hard. Oh, take me back to the start. Please. Let this stop being so hard on me. This feeling of hopelessness is all too familiar and I’d give anything for it to just stop.
TENNIS COURT SOUNDTRACK
What the fuck is your problem? If anyone should be feeling disdain, it should be ME. If anyone should desire to “pull a Clementine,” it should be ME. I never thought I’d lose a best friend so badly. Never have I done you wrong. Of all the people I’ve ever known/met in my life, I think it’s fair to say that you are officially the one person who has hurt me the most – without a doubt. I ain’t never loved anyone the way I loved you. Your words and actions are like acid. If any of this is some sort of ploy to make me feel bad, congratulations, mission accomplished. Do what you have to do. Delete me from Myspace, delete every last comment I ever sent you. Read every note and letter I ever wrote to you one last time and then burn them all. In case you didn’t notice, you meant everything to me. You don’t need me and you never did. And I never needed you. That’s what I’ll keep telling myself until I actually believe it. I’m definitely not as strong as I’d like everyone to believe, but so help me… I’m breaking down again. One last time. One final release of every good and bad feeling I ever felt with you. There’s no crawling back. There’s no begging and pleading. This is my intervention.
Distance never felt so horrible when it came to you, whether it was the physical or mental distance- or both. I missed you more than anyone else did, I don’t care what anyone else says. You were in 99.9% of my thoughts all day, everyday. There was pretty much never a moment when I wasn’t thinking about you, let alone missing you and wanting more than anything to be with you. My heart was thousands and thousands of miles away from me for so many months and I remained patient and hopeful. I finally caught that curve-ball you threw with my heart, and it goes without saying that the batter struck out. You’ve never been so cruel as you are now. You’ve never been so unforgiving. You’ve never seemed so eager to throw everything (concerning me) away. Just keep pushing me away until you see that I’ve become nothing at all. I guess I’ll have to do the same to you, and fight my desire to fight back like hell and do everything I can to keep you. Dammit. Fuck you. I miss you. I’m losing you and it’s effortless. I was never your first choice. I should have just walked away, because it has hurt me so much. You, you were always my first choice.
Nothing I haven’t said before. This is just me walking in circles. It’s time for me to take a step in the right direction, and out of the circle. I wish you weren’t hurting me so badly, because it’s just making all of this that much harder. Sorry I’m not one of the girls who can break your heart; you were head over heels for those girls. Gone are the nights of phone conversations about everything and nothing. Gone are the “false hope” comments of random links/pictures/videos regarding said conversations. It was quite an experience. I’d have killed the messenger if he ever said it would turn out this way. I’m not going to lurk around Myspace every now and then to cure my curiosity. I’ll never heal at that rate. Is everything just going to remain forgotten? Is that really the end of this chapter? I’ll be damned. All right. That’s just the way it is, I guess. I want you, but I’m not giving in this time.
+ + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + +
Where have you been?
I’ve been waiting so long to hear from you
And all the things that we said we would do,
Remains to be plans of the past
We’ve been, we’ve been too quiet for too long.
Where is, where is the hope we once had?
It’s too late to be saved by your charm,
We’ll never get this right
Your words are cold, and the season is too,
The comfort in your voice is gone
Don’t keep in touch, I’m better off all alone
You’ve lost everything that I’ve loved
So is it worth this time?
Am I done in your mind?
Will I regret once you’re gone?
Why did I ever think that we would, we would be good?
We’ve been, we’ve been too quiet for too long.
Where is, where is the hope we once had?
It’s too late to be saved by your charm,
We’ll never get this right
Well, alright, I’m sorry I even tried
I was a fool to have hope in you, in you
ON MY MIND
There’s been a bunch of stuff on my mind lately.
I can’t wait until I go back to work, which (hopefully) is soon. Unemployed life is boring and it sucks to be broke. I need to save my money up… for a lot of practical and impractical things. I need to get a steady income rolling.
I feel like shit because I haven’t been to the gym in like… six months. I hate being lazy, for the most part. I love to work out, I just hate being surrounded by disgusting jocks in the weight room at school. I keep telling myself I’m going to get back into the habit; my gut has become slightly larger since the holidays and I can’t stand it. Definitely need to start eating healthy again and get back into old work out habits & commitment.
School is pretty breezy nowadays. I love AP Lit. I love having only 3 classes again. Unscheduled 4th period is a God-send. I even managed to swing a 4.33 GPA. I haven’t done that since freshman year. High school is almost over, I can’t believe it.
I got accepted into SFSU, woot woot-! My mom still wants me to go to community college for two years to get my general studies out of the way. It makes sense, but goddamn. I want to get out of this town. Well, I do and I don’t. I just really need a good dose of adventure & new things. I love meeting new people, and I’m very greatful to have had the opportunity to meet a handful of new people this past couple months. I need more of that. More adventures & more new people.
My writing has been slowly progressing, and that’s better than nothing in my book. I’m making an honest attempt to resurrect The Hot Dog/Cab Incident short story, but I really don’t know where to go from where I left off. I figure once I do something good with that story, then I can advance to Cheese, Chocolate & Grapes.
I’ve been feeling more disconnected from church lately. There really isn’t anything I can do about it. I don’t like the priests, I don’t pay attention during the readings- let alone the sermons, and I still don’t like the music. There isn’t much point in talking to my mom about it, because she’s really stubborn on the subject. I wish there was something I could to to renew my faith in my religion, but I’ve been drawing up blanks when it comes to that.
I’ve been feeling really restless due to lack of a driver’s license. I think if I had my license, I wouldn’t be so damn lazy all the time, and I hate wasting days away doing nothing but nap in bed. I plan on taking my permit test again sometime soon (for the 3rd time). I know. I suck. I’m a horrible test taker, I’m not even kidding. I absolutely HATE taking tests, no matter what. I get nervous, no matter what. It’s ridiculous. I need to get my license soon. I’m most likely going to be stuck driving the ugly janky Mexican van until I get a real car. My brother-in-law says I can have his old Nissan. The only problem is that it’s a stick shift, and I have never even touched a stick shift car. If I go up to San Francisco to visit my sister and stuff during spring break, I plan on driving the car back home with me. Summer is going to be here before I know it and I can’t not be without a car.
My love life… hah. Well, it doesn’t exist. The existance of my non-existant love life is pretty much the story of my life… that makes sense, right? It sucks, as always. I guess it’s better to be in no relationship rather than an unsteady one, right? I could ramble on and on about this, but I shouldn’t. And I won’t. It looks like a friendship got ruined because of a so-called “relationship,” and you have no idea how much that has really bummed me out. It would be pointless for me to ramble on and on about that as well, because no one reads this blog anyways, and… rambling wouldn’t change anything. As much as I wish it would.
