Don’t you ever, ever dare fucking think that what I felt for you wasn’t real. I was in love with you, dammit. I loved you through everything – all the breakups, all the arguments, all the stupid mood swings you would have. I stuck it out and I kept my heart invested in you. I was nothing but real, honest, and sincere. You were my priority for a year and a half, whether you were just my friend or my boyfriend – and you treated me nothing more than an option. You’ve hurt me with the things you’ve said and done – you’ve offended me far more times than I ever did to you. I was always willing to hear you out whenever you would try to apologize to me, and now, you won’t even do me the decency of hearing me out.
What has really angered me the most, is the way you so carelessly treated my feelings when you knew just how upset I’ve been over my dad’s current health problems. You promised that you would always be there for me, no matter what – and you said that I could rely on you in times like these. But for you to not even waste a breath asking about him, or even checking up on me when you knew that he was going to be in a serious surgery… that’s what ticked me off. I know you “have a job and a life,” but excuse me for actually believing you when you said that you cared about me. You’ve been nothing more than self-involved and selfish. For you to get angry at me for MY mood swings during such a dark time in my life… fuck you. YOU SAID YOU WOULD ALWAYS BE THERE FOR ME, REGARDLESS OF HOW FAR AWAY YOU WERE. Where were you when I needed you the fucking most?
Ignore the voicemails and texts of me begging you to forgive me/take me back. We’re not even together, so like I’ve said before: it really shouldn’t matter to you. I was surprised when you made me believe it actually did. No, not anymore. If you’re done with me, then I’m done with you. Go ahead and waste all your “precious” time on Tumblr flirting with internet strangers and indulging in whatever popular meme there may be for the day. You don’t have to make promises you feel obligated to keep to me anymore. You don’t have to deal with that “constant knot in your gut” about me, wondering if you should or shouldn’t fall in love with me. For the record, in case I haven’t said it enough to you in the past: I love you and I never doubted that.
The only times I ever doubted myself was when you gave me reason to. A large part of why I’m so insecure about myself is because of you. You’ve managed to break me down and weaken my stride. A big part of the reason I don’t like myself is because you always gave me the insecurity of not being good enough for you to fall in love with me.
If you don’t love me, then just leave me alone. If you should ever have something to fucking say to me – try your luck and maybe I’ll listen. I know one thing for sure: I’ll hear you out – something you couldn’t even have the decency to do for me.
Grow the fuck up, James. You’re 21 fucking years old, and you should know by now how to treat a human being. The way you’ve treated me is NOT the way you treat someone you have or used to have feelings for. Hell, that’s no fucking way to even treat a friend. I don’t know what I’ll ever mean to you. Probably nothing, because that’s how you have made me feel.
What I want to know is how the hell you could go on and pull all the stunts with me the way you did when you told me earlier this year that I was one of the only things worth living for. Don’t think I’ve forgotten that.
It’s a shame we’ll never do any of the things together like we said we always would.
I REST MY CASE
TIMES ARE HARD FOR DREAMERS
Everything that’s been going on lately has been so surreal. I didn’t want to believe any of it, because it’s just one of those things one can’t help but think “It can’t happen to me.” I haven’t really told everyone yet -anyone, really, for that matter- and I don’t plan on doing so until I feel like I can. But… being able to confide in you, that was different. Thank you. Thank you so much for taking the time out of your day -to drop everything you were (or weren’t) doing- just for me. I think that is by far the most meaningful thing you’ve ever done for me, hands down. Being in your embrace was by far the most astounding comfort I’ve felt in a long time. Those few hours really did make me feel so much better, I don’t think you have any idea. You couldn’t have walked back into my life at a better moment -if that is in fact what you did. I don’t know. I didn’t mean to compromise your thinking process or your feelings, but the thing is, I don’t want to assume anything. I’m so sorry I hurt your feelings, but I know better to assume things from you, it’s just not a safe bet anymore. I don’t assume now, because assumptions are what have broken me down in the past. I didn’t mean what I wrote. Of course I noticed what you were doing, but I didn’t know what to think of it. I wanted you to mean everything, but there wasn’t a real way for me to know for sure. You can understand that, right? The reason why I keep my guard so high up now, the reason why I’m skeptical about putting myself completely out there, and the reason I don’t get too excited when I hear you say or do sweet things. I won’t know where you stand unless you tell me. I’m not going to lose my mind wondering, because I’ll just end up being disappointed if things don’t turn out the way I want them to. The truth of the matter is, I still want the same things I always did. That hasn’t changed. Regardless of the Clementine Kruczynski state of mind I’ve kept myself in, that was only to keep away my old pain and fears, and I’d be lying if I said it didn’t work. I really do have new-found strength, and it’s up to me as to how I decide to use it. The guard I have up has been reinforced, and there’s a part of me that wants you to work your way through it and be able to come out alive. If you don’t want to do that, then I completely understand, I wouldn’t be surprised if you’re tired of the idea of me, it’s okay – no hard feelings. I hope you know, however, that I felt sprung on the new plans you and I made. Same as always, I want more than anything to go through with all our old and new plans – if you want to, too. I remember thinking back a couple weeks ago about how much I wanted to cross some things off the old to-do lists. I want to go to Disneyland with you, I want to watch all those movies with you, I want to meet your family, I want to sit with you and watch the sunrise/sunset, and I want to have all those other numerous adventures with you. Honestly, it almost seems like you’ve come back to me. Please, don’t go. Please stay. If there was ever a time when I needed you the most, it’s most definitely now. Another reason I felt so bad about hurting your feelings was that I was scared you’d pull a Joel Barish on me. The fear of losing one of the only outlets of bona fide comfort I have during these times caused my staggering stress and worries to nearly topple over. I don’t want to fuck up anything with you. I’ve missed you, one of my best friends, and everything I’ve been going through is reminding me just how much I don’t want to lose you again. The thought of you not being here makes me feel sad and uneasy. Whatever this is, I don’t want this to be another fluke. I don’t want another bittersweet taste. I’m not going to get bent out of shape hoping for too much and getting nothing- I don’t plan on old feelings getting the best of me, because I’ve grown out of that. Whatever happens, happens. I’ll go with the flow. No more set-ups for disappointment, because I know better now. I refuse to allow myself appear pathetic. I’m stronger now, and I have to focus on just being happy with myself and everything around me. There’s no sure-fire way you’ll ever end up reading this, and it’s kind of irrelevant, but if there’s anything I feel you should know, it’s that you pretty much never fail to inspire me, and if I can’t get what I hope for out of you, I always have that lovely constellation. I think over all this time, I’ve managed to refine my expectations, and learn how to ensure they don’t interfere with my better judgment. And I hope you’ll know that you’ve managed to make me feel so much happier than I thought I possibly could be lately. Please… stay.
MY DAD…
is in the hospital. He’s been feeling sick since Thursday, when he started vommiting constantly – his vomit was dark brown/black. My mom & I just thought he had food poisoning or something when he began to slowly recover. I wasn’t home yesterday, and my mom said he was feeling better, but got a little worse during the night. Last night he woke up with a cold sweat and a fever, and there was fresh red blood in his vomit. My mom had to call an ambulance around 2AM to take us to the ER. They admitted him right away, and I was too exhausted to stay awake, so I slept in the van all night.
I woke up this morning around 8AMish and met up with my mom in ICU (Intensive Care Unit) and she said he was doing better. It turns out all that dark brown/black vomit he was ejecting was old/digested blood. They hooked him up to a bunch of cords and tubes, one of which was transferring donated blood to replace all that he lost these past few days. Later in the day, they anesthized him and stuck a tube with a camera attatched to it down his throat to see what the problem was. It turns out, he has a bleeding ulcer. The doctor tied it off and my dad’s on his way to recovery.
He’s going to be staying at the hospital for a couple more days to stay under observation. He’s doing a lot better, but damn. That really scared the hell out of me. I’ve been at the hospital since 3AM and I’m still so tired. I’m also going to spend the majority of tomorrow at the hospital.
“Let’s stay like this, please. It’s all I want.” <3ON MY MIND
There’s been a bunch of stuff on my mind lately.
I can’t wait until I go back to work, which (hopefully) is soon. Unemployed life is boring and it sucks to be broke. I need to save my money up… for a lot of practical and impractical things. I need to get a steady income rolling.
I feel like shit because I haven’t been to the gym in like… six months. I hate being lazy, for the most part. I love to work out, I just hate being surrounded by disgusting jocks in the weight room at school. I keep telling myself I’m going to get back into the habit; my gut has become slightly larger since the holidays and I can’t stand it. Definitely need to start eating healthy again and get back into old work out habits & commitment.
School is pretty breezy nowadays. I love AP Lit. I love having only 3 classes again. Unscheduled 4th period is a God-send. I even managed to swing a 4.33 GPA. I haven’t done that since freshman year. High school is almost over, I can’t believe it.
I got accepted into SFSU, woot woot-! My mom still wants me to go to community college for two years to get my general studies out of the way. It makes sense, but goddamn. I want to get out of this town. Well, I do and I don’t. I just really need a good dose of adventure & new things. I love meeting new people, and I’m very greatful to have had the opportunity to meet a handful of new people this past couple months. I need more of that. More adventures & more new people.
My writing has been slowly progressing, and that’s better than nothing in my book. I’m making an honest attempt to resurrect The Hot Dog/Cab Incident short story, but I really don’t know where to go from where I left off. I figure once I do something good with that story, then I can advance to Cheese, Chocolate & Grapes.
I’ve been feeling more disconnected from church lately. There really isn’t anything I can do about it. I don’t like the priests, I don’t pay attention during the readings- let alone the sermons, and I still don’t like the music. There isn’t much point in talking to my mom about it, because she’s really stubborn on the subject. I wish there was something I could to to renew my faith in my religion, but I’ve been drawing up blanks when it comes to that.
I’ve been feeling really restless due to lack of a driver’s license. I think if I had my license, I wouldn’t be so damn lazy all the time, and I hate wasting days away doing nothing but nap in bed. I plan on taking my permit test again sometime soon (for the 3rd time). I know. I suck. I’m a horrible test taker, I’m not even kidding. I absolutely HATE taking tests, no matter what. I get nervous, no matter what. It’s ridiculous. I need to get my license soon. I’m most likely going to be stuck driving the ugly janky Mexican van until I get a real car. My brother-in-law says I can have his old Nissan. The only problem is that it’s a stick shift, and I have never even touched a stick shift car. If I go up to San Francisco to visit my sister and stuff during spring break, I plan on driving the car back home with me. Summer is going to be here before I know it and I can’t not be without a car.
My love life… hah. Well, it doesn’t exist. The existance of my non-existant love life is pretty much the story of my life… that makes sense, right? It sucks, as always. I guess it’s better to be in no relationship rather than an unsteady one, right? I could ramble on and on about this, but I shouldn’t. And I won’t. It looks like a friendship got ruined because of a so-called “relationship,” and you have no idea how much that has really bummed me out. It would be pointless for me to ramble on and on about that as well, because no one reads this blog anyways, and… rambling wouldn’t change anything. As much as I wish it would.
MOOD: FABULOUS
Today was slightly more eventful than yesterday, hence the blog I’m beginning to write…
I got to 1st period a few seconds late, like always. The Jurassic Park substitute was there, and we just watched Super Size Me all period long. Is it bad that no matter how many times I’ve seen that documentary, there is initially never any circumstance in which I’m ever seriously disgusted by McDonald’s food? If anything, watching that documentary almost always makes me hungry… especially since it was the morning, and I didn’t eat breakfast.
In AP Lit, Mrs. Steinberg surprised me by reading my essay aloud to the class… I got a 40/40 (that’s a 7 on the rubric sheet)… I actually got an A. I got an A on an essay that took me 3 hours 
to write the day before it was due. Such procrastination hasn’t paid off in so long, and that made 
me feel really happy & confident about my writing. The thesaurus is a God-send, I’m telling you! I could have sworn she was going to use mine as a poor example of what we were NOT supposed to do or something… I wasn’t paying attention at all when she was discussing our grades… I was busy drawing an octopus in my notebook and adding to the list of things I consider to be “annoying as FCUK” (which I started writing in 1st period.) I really do love AP Lit, though. Mrs. Steinberg is hilarious! (Intentionally and unintentionally, mind you.) She says the best that’s what she said lines. Example: during a class discussion of The Stranger. LOL.
Yeah, I’ve been drawing a lot lately… mostly due to boredom in classes. The other day I was zoning out on a lecture about existentialism because I was (attempting) to draw Audrey Hepburn based on the small thumbnail picture reference I had of her on my cell phone. (Oh, and The Rocket Summer lyrics to All I Have was stuck in my head.) I like that I’m putting the boredom I feel in class to good use. I’ve also been writing a bit here and there. I miss that. I don’t know whether to pick up on The Hot Dog-Cab Incident story (I really need to think up a catchier name for that…) or my work-in-progress novel, Cheese Chocolate & Grapes. I owe Tumblr a lot of credit to all the inspiration I’ve had lately. My mind is reeling.
Oh yeah, something random and completely off topic: I’ve been wanting to watch Fight Club, Knocked Up, and Rushmore for the longest time. When I go back to work (hopefully sooner than later) I plan on buying all three of those movies at the same time… if I can find them all in one place… maybe on Amazon…
MF PWNS
Medford Falling was amazing last night-! Me and Victoria met up at Val’s casa with Robby, Laura, Jessika, Gina, Kevin, Casey, Moriah (and of course, Val). LOL @ Laura’s holler to that guy as we drove to the back of Soma. Victoria and I met our new “biffle” (LOL) Amantha while everyone was setting up for the show. We had interesting talks in that one dark hallway next to the kite shop. MF’s set was kick-ass, and I’m glad I got to hear my new favorite song by them performed live 
After their set, Victoria, Amantha & I went to In-N-Out and sat around talking for about an hour. We drove back to Soma and sat talking in Amantha’s car some more, then eventually met up with everyone else after the show was over.
A bunch of us met up at Casey’s casa for “ghost” stories and hookah fun, wished Victoria a happy 18th birthday at midnight, and around 1:30ish Amantha drove me & Victoria home. I’m hella excited for next week’s MF show in Anaheim! 
THE RESOLUTION
Happy New Year! Hello 2009.
I liked ringing in the new year with James phone talk. It was nice, to say the least. LOL @ kisses.
I suppose it’s time for a list of some sort of resolutions. I don’t really have that many in mind, but I’ll do my best for the sake of the new year…
+ get driver’s license
+ get a job
+ don’t slack off (as much) in school
+ write more [particularly progress in Cheese, Chocolate, & Grapes]
+ work out/eat healthier
+ save money !!!
+ have someone to be with/kiss when the ball drops for 2010
Those are all realistic resolutions, right? Well, okay… that last one might be wishful thinking, but it’d be nice!
STIMULATED
Wow, nothing gets past my mom. WAS IT REALLY THAT OBVIOUS?
“I was just waiting for you to tell me. You couldn’t fool me. There was no way you were on the phone with who you said you were. I heard the way you were talking and laughing, and saw the way you smiled.”
Stimulation. Wish I had that more often, like I used to. Now, everything is spent on my increasing under-stimulation and feelings of being undiscovered. I’m horrible for allowing that to carry on, I know.
#1
You, you are wonderful. After all these years you still make me smile. And damn, you’re still charming as ever. I can’t believe it’s already been 5 years. Every time I talk to you, or even look at you, I remember every feeling I ever had for you, and I realize why I felt the way I did about you. There’s still that sparkle in your eye, but unfortunately, I still see the pain. I’m sorry for that. I wish I knew what was hurting you so badly all these years, or even the recent happenings. I have and most likely always will have the determination to pull the thorn from your heart, so you can progressively heal. You deserve so much better than I ever was, and even more than she ever was. I hope you find what you’re looking for. More importantly, whom you’re looking for. You changed something in me so long ago. I owe you everything; the heart-wrenching realities I had to face -because they made me so much stronger-, the ability to notice sparkles, and above all… the inspiration. Where the hell would I be if I had not met you and had never felt such things for you? You’re amazing. Now, when I look at you, I know I’ve overcome so much, because there are no more backflips my tiresome heart would perform every time I’d think of you; every time I’d see you; hell, every time I’d hear your name. All that’s gone, but the memory of my feelings remain, and that’s what matters. I remember everything, and I will never forget. You’re unforgettable, and you taught me so much… even though you’ll probably never realize it. You’re a great friend, and I love you for that. My writing would not be the same without you. You were my first muse. You’ll always be my #1, no matter what. I’m tripping over my words and talking in circles, but… everything makes sense to me. I just wanted to take this time to look back and be thankful for… well, you. We’ll go our separate ways, but you’ve left with me something I will never part with, and that’s inspiration. Here’s to these past 5 years. Hard to believe it’s been that long, but in the end, it really was worth it all. I am the way I am today partially because of you. How can I ever regret anything that changed me so positively? Thank you, “Wally.”
As Aslyn so eloquently sang: I never stopped falling in love with you.
In a sense, I never did, but in other ways, I did — so to speak. It’s complicated to explain, and the only person it will ever make sense to will be me.
