I don’t know what’s wrong with me. Lately I’ve been backtracking my thinking process, and I don’t like it. I was doing so well keeping my heart in the freezer. I didn’t… feel. I didn’t… think. It was nice to not have any pain whatsoever for a change. It was nice to repel all the “what if” scenarios that clouded my mind for so long. It was nice to have a clear mind and guarded heart. I didn’t have to worry about hurting myself or giving myself a mindfuck. I built up my new found strength and felt so damn proud of myself. I don’t know what the hell happened. I must have taken a wrong turn somewhere because my pace has been staggering. I guess I shouldn’t have listened to old songs -regardless of how much I missed them- and I shouldn’t have taken more than a “peek.” I’ve been running into too many damn “reminders” and “coincidences,” not to mention the occasional WTF dreams. During some of my insomnia-filled late nights, I found myself digging too deep into thoughts, whether they were fond memories, or ones I’d rather not remember… or things that were said; words exchanged. Some things are impossible to believe anymore. Some things seem unreal, some things seem like a lie… all those things were easy to let go as unanswered because there didn’t seem like any use in finding them out anymore. That’s why I’ve been keeping my heart in the freezer for almost 3 or 4 months.
I was re-reading some of the stuff I wrote last week:
“…that’s one of the things I was scared of the most -aside from feeling alone- it was the pain.” “I invested too much time and feelings to be “just friends.” You’ve had too much of an effect on me for me to want to be with you so badly like I once wanted. I can’t just allow you to rely on me to be a friend unless there’s something more -as selfish as it may sound. I’ve been a giver all my life – it’s my turn to be a taker.”
I thought about how much it would hurt to… see or know that his attention has moved on to someone funnier, smarter, prettier… someone all around better than me. As selfish as that sounds, that’s the last thing I’d want to see because it would probably upset and bother me more than anyone can imagine. Like I said: selfish.
I was daydreaming today, because I had nothing better to do, and I found myself thinking. Yet again. I was thinking about all the plans that were once made – all the things we once said we’d do together. That actually seemed to crack the ice, for the first time in a long time… for the first time in a long time, I wished things were better off, and I wanted more than anything to cross some of those plans off the old to-do lists. I realized the chances of that happening are pretty damn slim, and I felt a wave of disappointment wash over me. I even dared to think about the “future” we once playfully talked about having together and I told myself: pathetic. I forced myself to fall asleep before I could get the ice to crack beneath my feet any more farther along than it already had.
It’s times like these when I remind myself that all this is not worth sitting, waiting, wishing for someone to fall in love with me.
+ + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + +
I’m looking to see if I can
And you’re looking for me to begin this
Just try to pretend if you can
While you’re waiting for me to unwind… again…
But I can’t find a way
No, I can’t find a way
To just try and
Just try and explain myself
Because we stay the same,
We stay the same
Now I’m looking to see
If you’re sad or just lonely
So next time things will be different…
I’m waiting to find out when
And this wave is starting to get in my head
Just try to pretend if you can
Because if we fall, we’ll fall hard again
But I can’t find a way
No, I can’t find a way
To just try and
Just try and explain myself
Because we stay the same, we stay the same
Now I’m looking to see if you’re just sad or lonely
So next time I things will be different…
Just calm down, I’m always around
And I can’t seem to shake this out
And I’m still looking to see
If you’re just sad or lonely
So next time I things will be different…
