I don’t know why I revert to old feelings and thoughts, even after all these months. I can’t stop thinking about all the things we said, the things we swore we meant. I miss everything. I miss those feelings. I miss you.
Fuck my life.
Don’t you ever, ever dare fucking think that what I felt for you wasn’t real. I was in love with you, dammit. I loved you through everything – all the breakups, all the arguments, all the stupid mood swings you would have. I stuck it out and I kept my heart invested in you. I was nothing but real, honest, and sincere. You were my priority for a year and a half, whether you were just my friend or my boyfriend – and you treated me nothing more than an option. You’ve hurt me with the things you’ve said and done – you’ve offended me far more times than I ever did to you. I was always willing to hear you out whenever you would try to apologize to me, and now, you won’t even do me the decency of hearing me out.
What has really angered me the most, is the way you so carelessly treated my feelings when you knew just how upset I’ve been over my dad’s current health problems. You promised that you would always be there for me, no matter what – and you said that I could rely on you in times like these. But for you to not even waste a breath asking about him, or even checking up on me when you knew that he was going to be in a serious surgery… that’s what ticked me off. I know you “have a job and a life,” but excuse me for actually believing you when you said that you cared about me. You’ve been nothing more than self-involved and selfish. For you to get angry at me for MY mood swings during such a dark time in my life… fuck you. YOU SAID YOU WOULD ALWAYS BE THERE FOR ME, REGARDLESS OF HOW FAR AWAY YOU WERE. Where were you when I needed you the fucking most?
Ignore the voicemails and texts of me begging you to forgive me/take me back. We’re not even together, so like I’ve said before: it really shouldn’t matter to you. I was surprised when you made me believe it actually did. No, not anymore. If you’re done with me, then I’m done with you. Go ahead and waste all your “precious” time on Tumblr flirting with internet strangers and indulging in whatever popular meme there may be for the day. You don’t have to make promises you feel obligated to keep to me anymore. You don’t have to deal with that “constant knot in your gut” about me, wondering if you should or shouldn’t fall in love with me. For the record, in case I haven’t said it enough to you in the past: I love you and I never doubted that.
The only times I ever doubted myself was when you gave me reason to. A large part of why I’m so insecure about myself is because of you. You’ve managed to break me down and weaken my stride. A big part of the reason I don’t like myself is because you always gave me the insecurity of not being good enough for you to fall in love with me.
If you don’t love me, then just leave me alone. If you should ever have something to fucking say to me – try your luck and maybe I’ll listen. I know one thing for sure: I’ll hear you out – something you couldn’t even have the decency to do for me.
Grow the fuck up, James. You’re 21 fucking years old, and you should know by now how to treat a human being. The way you’ve treated me is NOT the way you treat someone you have or used to have feelings for. Hell, that’s no fucking way to even treat a friend. I don’t know what I’ll ever mean to you. Probably nothing, because that’s how you have made me feel.
What I want to know is how the hell you could go on and pull all the stunts with me the way you did when you told me earlier this year that I was one of the only things worth living for. Don’t think I’ve forgotten that.
It’s a shame we’ll never do any of the things together like we said we always would.
Everything that’s been going on lately has been so surreal. I didn’t want to believe any of it, because it’s just one of those things one can’t help but think “It can’t happen to me.” I haven’t really told everyone yet -anyone, really, for that matter- and I don’t plan on doing so until I feel like I can. But… being able to confide in you, that was different. Thank you. Thank you so much for taking the time out of your day -to drop everything you were (or weren’t) doing- just for me. I think that is by far the most meaningful thing you’ve ever done for me, hands down. Being in your embrace was by far the most astounding comfort I’ve felt in a long time. Those few hours really did make me feel so much better, I don’t think you have any idea. You couldn’t have walked back into my life at a better moment -if that is in fact what you did. I don’t know. I didn’t mean to compromise your thinking process or your feelings, but the thing is, I don’t want to assume anything. I’m so sorry I hurt your feelings, but I know better to assume things from you, it’s just not a safe bet anymore. I don’t assume now, because assumptions are what have broken me down in the past. I didn’t mean what I wrote. Of course I noticed what you were doing, but I didn’t know what to think of it. I wanted you to mean everything, but there wasn’t a real way for me to know for sure. You can understand that, right? The reason why I keep my guard so high up now, the reason why I’m skeptical about putting myself completely out there, and the reason I don’t get too excited when I hear you say or do sweet things. I won’t know where you stand unless you tell me. I’m not going to lose my mind wondering, because I’ll just end up being disappointed if things don’t turn out the way I want them to. The truth of the matter is, I still want the same things I always did. That hasn’t changed. Regardless of the Clementine Kruczynski state of mind I’ve kept myself in, that was only to keep away my old pain and fears, and I’d be lying if I said it didn’t work. I really do have new-found strength, and it’s up to me as to how I decide to use it. The guard I have up has been reinforced, and there’s a part of me that wants you to work your way through it and be able to come out alive. If you don’t want to do that, then I completely understand, I wouldn’t be surprised if you’re tired of the idea of me, it’s okay – no hard feelings. I hope you know, however, that I felt sprung on the new plans you and I made. Same as always, I want more than anything to go through with all our old and new plans – if you want to, too. I remember thinking back a couple weeks ago about how much I wanted to cross some things off the old to-do lists. I want to go to Disneyland with you, I want to watch all those movies with you, I want to meet your family, I want to sit with you and watch the sunrise/sunset, and I want to have all those other numerous adventures with you. Honestly, it almost seems like you’ve come back to me. Please, don’t go. Please stay. If there was ever a time when I needed you the most, it’s most definitely now. Another reason I felt so bad about hurting your feelings was that I was scared you’d pull a Joel Barish on me. The fear of losing one of the only outlets of bona fide comfort I have during these times caused my staggering stress and worries to nearly topple over. I don’t want to fuck up anything with you. I’ve missed you, one of my best friends, and everything I’ve been going through is reminding me just how much I don’t want to lose you again. The thought of you not being here makes me feel sad and uneasy. Whatever this is, I don’t want this to be another fluke. I don’t want another bittersweet taste. I’m not going to get bent out of shape hoping for too much and getting nothing- I don’t plan on old feelings getting the best of me, because I’ve grown out of that. Whatever happens, happens. I’ll go with the flow. No more set-ups for disappointment, because I know better now. I refuse to allow myself appear pathetic. I’m stronger now, and I have to focus on just being happy with myself and everything around me. There’s no sure-fire way you’ll ever end up reading this, and it’s kind of irrelevant, but if there’s anything I feel you should know, it’s that you pretty much never fail to inspire me, and if I can’t get what I hope for out of you, I always have that lovely constellation. I think over all this time, I’ve managed to refine my expectations, and learn how to ensure they don’t interfere with my better judgment. And I hope you’ll know that you’ve managed to make me feel so much happier than I thought I possibly could be lately. Please… stay.
I don’t know what’s wrong with me. Lately I’ve been backtracking my thinking process, and I don’t like it. I was doing so well keeping my heart in the freezer. I didn’t… feel. I didn’t… think. It was nice to not have any pain whatsoever for a change. It was nice to repel all the “what if” scenarios that clouded my mind for so long. It was nice to have a clear mind and guarded heart. I didn’t have to worry about hurting myself or giving myself a mindfuck. I built up my new found strength and felt so damn proud of myself. I don’t know what the hell happened. I must have taken a wrong turn somewhere because my pace has been staggering. I guess I shouldn’t have listened to old songs -regardless of how much I missed them- and I shouldn’t have taken more than a “peek.” I’ve been running into too many damn “reminders” and “coincidences,” not to mention the occasional WTF dreams. During some of my insomnia-filled late nights, I found myself digging too deep into thoughts, whether they were fond memories, or ones I’d rather not remember… or things that were said; words exchanged. Some things are impossible to believe anymore. Some things seem unreal, some things seem like a lie… all those things were easy to let go as unanswered because there didn’t seem like any use in finding them out anymore. That’s why I’ve been keeping my heart in the freezer for almost 3 or 4 months.
I was re-reading some of the stuff I wrote last week:
“…that’s one of the things I was scared of the most -aside from feeling alone- it was the pain.” “I invested too much time and feelings to be “just friends.” You’ve had too much of an effect on me for me to want to be with you so badly like I once wanted. I can’t just allow you to rely on me to be a friend unless there’s something more -as selfish as it may sound. I’ve been a giver all my life – it’s my turn to be a taker.”
I thought about how much it would hurt to… see or know that his attention has moved on to someone funnier, smarter, prettier… someone all around better than me. As selfish as that sounds, that’s the last thing I’d want to see because it would probably upset and bother me more than anyone can imagine. Like I said: selfish.
I was daydreaming today, because I had nothing better to do, and I found myself thinking. Yet again. I was thinking about all the plans that were once made – all the things we once said we’d do together. That actually seemed to crack the ice, for the first time in a long time… for the first time in a long time, I wished things were better off, and I wanted more than anything to cross some of those plans off the old to-do lists. I realized the chances of that happening are pretty damn slim, and I felt a wave of disappointment wash over me. I even dared to think about the “future” we once playfully talked about having together and I told myself: pathetic. I forced myself to fall asleep before I could get the ice to crack beneath my feet any more farther along than it already had.
It’s times like these when I remind myself that all this is not worth sitting, waiting, wishing for someone to fall in love with me.
+ + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + +
I’m looking to see if I can
And you’re looking for me to begin this
Just try to pretend if you can
While you’re waiting for me to unwind… again…
But I can’t find a way
No, I can’t find a way
To just try and
Just try and explain myself
Because we stay the same,
We stay the same
Now I’m looking to see
If you’re sad or just lonely
So next time things will be different…
I’m waiting to find out when
And this wave is starting to get in my head
Just try to pretend if you can
Because if we fall, we’ll fall hard again
But I can’t find a way
No, I can’t find a way
To just try and
Just try and explain myself
Because we stay the same, we stay the same
Now I’m looking to see if you’re just sad or lonely
So next time I things will be different…
Just calm down, I’m always around
And I can’t seem to shake this out
And I’m still looking to see
If you’re just sad or lonely
So next time I things will be different…
Seeing that its been a good couple months since certain events have taken place, I realized that I never took the time to post any sort of “angry” or “bitter” rant. I don’t know if that’s what this will be, but… I guess we’ll be able to tell whether or not that’s what this blog will be by the time I’m done writing it. Most of my thoughts have been invested in several pages out of journals and random song lyrics placed here and there, whether it be on Myspace or on the corner of a scrap piece of paper.
I’m not going to explain what happened. For those of you who don’t know all the nitty-gritty details, just consider yourselves lucky, especially if you were fortunate enough to not witness it. First off, let me say that I have never felt more publicly humiliated, and (at the time) I felt beyond weak; at my absolute worst breaking point. And one of the worst things from that night in particular, was that I was actually enjoying myself, regardless of how negative I was feeling a few hours before-hand. I was pepped up and really cheerful, but… shit had to hit the fan. I had to witness something I really rather would not have, and it was sort of like a wake-up call in the worst way; definitely not the wake-up calls I was used to. This was harsh reality. What’s worse, it was under intoxicated circumstances. You know, when I look back at everything that happened between me and… that person in the past year seems like a complete dream. Everything now is just so… unreal and at the rare times I do find myself thinking back to the “good times” (or at least what I believed to be “good times”) I have a hard time convincing myself that any of it happened. I’d have an easier time believing the fact that I was schizophrenic, than actually believe that what happened actually did happen, and the words exchanged really were spoken. Hours upon hours spent on the phone were all a waste. I compromised relationships with my friends and family. I turned down someone who really did seem to care for me in exchange for someone I went through the same old pointless cycle with. I allowed certain things to get out of hand and I feel that I allowed situations to carry on farther than I would have liked them to. All the sneaking around, all the lies I had to tell, all the arguments I got into over that person; all the fighting I did for him… all of it seemed to be nothing more than a waste of time and energy, and did nothing more than make me look like a bigger fool than I already am.
“You’re worth living for.” For something that seems to mean so much, he really did have one hell of an unconventional way of showing that he meant it. Yes, there are certain things I remember being told, whether I wanted to hear them or not; good and bad. I’m not going to stay mad at a person for them not being able to fall in love with me, that’s just crazy. But so help me, I will stay mad at a person for dragging our relationship out for so long, when they don’t know what they want for sure. As far as that goes, it’s going to be a while until I can stop being bitter about that. A grown man should not be harboring such indecisiveness. It’s not fair to him or that person he’s putting it through (that person being me). I’m over all the crying because “he’s not in love with me and he never will be” bullshit. No, no, no. I’m honestly beyond all that. The last time I even cried over that stuff was the last conversation we both had about it. Since then… I’ve been tough as nails, and it’s not like all the other times when I feel as if I’m only kidding myself and my feelings will eventually catch up with me to bite me in the ass.
I’ve been ready to start new; willing and able to mingle and stay open. Eye candy is one sort of sweet that most certainly will not rot the eyes. I’m beyond excited to start college, with the hopes of meeting new people: muffins in particular. I know I’ll come across my fair share of doughnuts, because I’m no stranger to that… but college is a good way for me to broaden my horizon and my God… when I was over at SWC the other day, I couldn’t get enough of all the white boys.
I’ve blocked out the good feelings and talks, and I think it’s in that sense that I’m like Clementine, only in my case… I’m not going to try to figure out what it was I erased, because I know that in the end, I’ll be back at square one, and I’ll remember exactly why I wanted to erase everything to begin with. I’ve learned the hard way that I’m only hurting myself if I continue to reminisce over the things I once loved about this person, memories shared and songs dedicated included. I don’t want to hurt anymore, and I’ve been doing pretty good by myself. I don’t even lurk on Myspace. I think the reason I haven’t completely managed to erase him off Myspace is just to keep a tiny reminder that all of it was real, and that I’m not as crazy as I let myself believe I am. Every time I don’t click the link to their page, I mentally pat myself on the back for not allowing curiosity to get the best of me.
Of course I’ll be there if there shall ever come a day when he might need me, but I know that I’m probably one of the last people he’ll ever think to turn to now, but that’s okay. I don’t need to be in places where I’m not needed. I’m glad that I have the freedom to remain carefree and not worry about the ex-girlfriends I cannot stand because of the things I’ve heard they’ve done, particularly about the way they had treated him and yet he still maintains some sort of “friendship” or keeps them as acquaintances. I don’t need to go on not being able to understand why for some reason he insists to keep in close contact. It’s out of my hands now, and I don’t have to throw subtle reminders his way that such things make me uncomfortable. I don’t have to act like I’m okay with the idea of him even exchanging words with them, hanging out with them through mutual friends… I don’t even have to pretend that I enjoy listening to him read to me the heartfelt song lyrics he wrote about them way back when. I don’t even need to feel like he’d much rather hang out with his friends than spend time with me, or would rather be pre-occupied with other things over the phone than talking to me. I don’t have to hint at the fact that I’m not having a good day rather than him just asking how my day was. I don’t need to constantly ask him how he’s feeling and not have him ask the same of me. I don’t need any of that, and I’m better off without it. In the past year, I’ve had numerous people tell me that I deserve better than this. Better than him. My friends, my family, my teachers and co-workers, complete strangers I met at parties, and even his friends have told me this, and it’s about time I start believing them.
It’s about time I get rid of the idea that one day he’ll just change his mind and realize how much I really did mean to him. It’s about time I raise my white flag and surrender all these ideas in my hopeless romantic head and figure out the difference between romanticizing a situation and seeing it for what it really is, and what it really is… is nothing. You can’t make people fall in love with you, and it’s not fair for you to stay with someone and just hope that one day they fall in love with you. That’s not how it works, and as much of a hard pill it is to swallow, it’s my turn to lean my head back and take it, and follow it with a wash of ice cold water. I’m done with counting the days to see how long it will take before my heart is broken/disappointed by the same old person.
I’m not trying to sound cocky when I say any of this, but the honest-to-God truth is that I am a great catch. I put people before myself and I am very thoughtful. I do my best to keep up conversations, and I’m the farthest thing from a man-eater. I’m not a slut, and I am sentimental and honest. I’m weird, but that’s just me. I look cute on a good day, and I admit that I don’t have a knock-out body. I’m very understanding and I do my best to be mature and open to everything. I treat boys like people- not like toys. I’m quite possibly one of the most considerate people you’ll ever meet.
I think it’s about time I wrap up this blog… this long overdue rant/reflection. I think I may be starting to talk in circles again, so I’ll end it with these last words…
If there was just one thing I could say to you, it’d be this: If I was ever anything at all, I was yours.
No Doubt was amazing, to say the least. It was definitely the concert of my life! When Victoria and I pulled up to the Cricket parking lot, the line was already stretched all the way to the back, bordering Soak City. Ran into Manny’s friend Bianca in line, and she gave us Star Trek lights she got from cereal boxes.
Victoria and I bought matching tour shirts for $35, and a cute tote bag for $25. I’ve got my eye on the cute $85 houndstooth hoodie for next time… AND the suspenders shirt…
After changing into our matching shirts and buying $5 water, we found our seats in the 200′s section, which was a lot closer to the stage than I thought, which was a really nice surprise. The Sounds opened up first. I’d never really listened to them before, but they’re pretty catchy. Definitely need to download their discography.
Paramore was the next opening band, which really got the party started. Victoria & I were jumping and singing along, and LOL @ Victoria pretty much memorizing their entire live CD. I really wish their set was a little bit longer… I definitely need to get tickets for their next show when they come to town.
At last… No Doubt finally made their appearance on stage. The intro was beyond epic, as you can tell from the video:
Their set list was as follows:
Spiderwebs
Hella Good
Bathwater
Underneath It All
Excuse Me Mr.
Ex-Girlfriend
Simple Kind of Life
Guns of Navarone (Instrumental)
Hey Baby
New
Running
End It On This
Don’t Speak
It’s My Life
Just A Girl
Rock Steady
Different People
Sunday Morning
I was so happy when they played End It On This! That’s one of my favorite songs off their Tragic Kingdom CD, and I really didn’t expect them to play it. I danced and sang my lungs out, and I’m really glad there wasn’t anyone monstrously tall in front of me and Victoria. We had a perfect view of the stage, and I managed to get some decent pictures.
I’m beyond stoked for their August 8th show – Victoria’s mom got us pit tickets! Definitely an upgrade from the 200′s. I can’t wait! Seeing No Doubt in concert was literally at the top of my list of things I HAVE to do before I die, and I’m really glad I get to cross that off… twice!
So, tonight was prom. It was really fun, and I’m glad I went with Jonathan. He actually got a limo! I’d never been in a limo before, so that was cool. I felt like I was in a teen movie or something, with the way he picked me up at my house and put on my corsage, and with our moms and his sisters taking a whole bunch of pictures. Talk about ultimate teen movie moment!
We even popped open a bottle of sparkling cider on our way to Balboa, while we reminisced over elementary school and high school, and even talked about the usual nerdy stuff, like video games and books and movies. We were among the first to arrive at the Hall of Champions, which was actually set up real nicely. When I’d been there before, I thought it was a horrible place to have our prom at, but the decorating job was done perfectly, and the dance floor was really nice with the sparkling disco ball overhead. I told Jonathan straight up that I’m not much of a dancer, and I prefer slow dancing to dirty bumping and grinding, and he was totally cool with that. We talked with friends most of the night, and took advantage of the yummy cream puffs and chocolate-covered strawberries they had at the desert table. We took pictures in front of a big backdrop and everything, which reminded both of us of Beauty and the Beast. We got in a few slow dances, which was really nice, but it’s a shame they didn’t play too many slow songs. Jonathan told me he praciticed his dance moves and everything, and he was a lot better than me, even if it only was in fact slow dancing… no matter what, I think I’ll always have two left feet, haha.
^ Victoria sandwich! (Happy 18th birthday, Vico!)
^ Mendoza Elementary School kids<3
^ LOL @ Xander’s pants splitting open!
^ Prom Queen Codallos :3
Carlos won Prom King, but I couldn’t find him all night!
^ Kinder buddies <3
By the end of the night I was surprised my feet weren’t killing me in the $8 heels I bought at Factory2U, and my hair managed to stay tame in the puppy curls. The limo driver took us over the Coronado bridge, which was really cool, and we listened to random top 40 music on our way home. I kept my corsage on for the rest of the night, even after changing out of my dress and into booty shorts and a wifebeater, and before going to sleep, I pinned it right next to my Audrey Hepburn poster.
is in the hospital. He’s been feeling sick since Thursday, when he started vommiting constantly – his vomit was dark brown/black. My mom & I just thought he had food poisoning or something when he began to slowly recover. I wasn’t home yesterday, and my mom said he was feeling better, but got a little worse during the night. Last night he woke up with a cold sweat and a fever, and there was fresh red blood in his vomit. My mom had to call an ambulance around 2AM to take us to the ER. They admitted him right away, and I was too exhausted to stay awake, so I slept in the van all night.
I woke up this morning around 8AMish and met up with my mom in ICU (Intensive Care Unit) and she said he was doing better. It turns out all that dark brown/black vomit he was ejecting was old/digested blood. They hooked him up to a bunch of cords and tubes, one of which was transferring donated blood to replace all that he lost these past few days. Later in the day, they anesthized him and stuck a tube with a camera attatched to it down his throat to see what the problem was. It turns out, he has a bleeding ulcer. The doctor tied it off and my dad’s on his way to recovery.
He’s going to be staying at the hospital for a couple more days to stay under observation. He’s doing a lot better, but damn. That really scared the hell out of me. I’ve been at the hospital since 3AM and I’m still so tired. I’m also going to spend the majority of tomorrow at the hospital.
Universal Studios 2009 was a success! It was an very bittersweet success. Hard to believe this is the 4th and final Universal Studios trip I’ll be going on in high school. I can’t believe I’ve gone to every single one of these trips since 8th grade. I was getting sort of worried, because when we arrived at the park, Monica was having problems getting the tickets for all of us, but everything straightened out and we were released into the park like the pack of animals we were. The first stop was the House of Horrors, which scared the buh-jeezus out of every single one of us, like always. We all ran out screaming and laughing and came face to face with the lovely Vin Diesel. Photo op had arisen *wink wink*
The second stop was Terminator 2: 3D, which is something we always manage to miss out on every year… except this year! LOL @ “kinves… and stabbing weapons.” I still get a hoot out of that!
Third stop was the much-anticipated Simpsons Ride. I really wanted to see what it was all about, and hot damn. We were all completely blown away! That ride is most definitely a major upgrade from the Back To The Future Ride. You can just tell from the looks in our faces just how much we loved it.
After nom nom noming on some delicious Cinnabon, our entire group (which included Kim, Victoria, Vico, Fernando, Jessica, Yvonne, Ruben, Jeffrey and Ximena) made our way down the never-ending series of escalators to the lower lot… with the pre-Jurassic Park and Mummy ride adrenaline already pumping in our veins.
We had our rounds on the Jurassic Park Ride and the Mummy Ride a few times each, and all with failed attempts to drag Ximena and/or Vico onto Jurassic Park. There was literally one point when we all tried to drag Ximena on Jurassic Park -carrying her and everything- but still a fail. Major props to Yvonne, who is known to be terrified of dinosaurs to toughen up and get on Jurassic Park! Definitely a great Yvonne-moment milestone. Before heading back to the upper lot, we all got some group pictures with one of the most legit-looking Beetlejuice characters I’ve seen.
We hit up the backlot tram tour before getting food from City Walk and heading on back to the bus. Everyone was already pretty drained by the end of the day, and the bus ride was about 3 hours because we got stuck in Friday evening traffic.
I’ll dye my hair in streaks of blue like Clementine Kruczynski from Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind… and maybe, hopefully I’ll meet someone like Joel Barish; we’ll fall in love, out of love, and back in love once we meet again after erasing each other from our memories. Yeah… that sounds like something definitely worth hoping for<3
